


Nothing Left to Give

by Elaine (LumCheng)



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Amnesia, Awkwardness, Car Accidents, Dating, Drama, Fluff, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Memory Loss, Pining, Probably ooc, Romance, Tragedy, Trauma, less angry Guanshan, trying to fall in love again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:27:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 49,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24547624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumCheng/pseuds/Elaine
Summary: 8 years have passed and the boys started living together. Life was good - until He Tian got involved in a car accident and lost his complete memory.Can he become friends with the trio again?And will he be able to fall in love with Guanshan once more?
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days), Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Comments: 583
Kudos: 976





	1. If only I could wake you up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I post a 19 Days fanfic in english.  
> Thank you very much for the beta, [crimsonleaf](https://crimsonleaf.tumblr.com/) ♥
> 
> Well, and I hope you're ready for the upcoming heartache ^^;

He Tian set foot outside the main street jewelry shop, a small black box in one hand, his phone in the other.  
He smirked and answered the call.

"So, did Zhengxi and Yi already take off?", he said instead of a greeting.

"Yeah, apparently about an hour ago or so", Guanshan replied. "You're being awfully mysterious, you know that? It's almost annoying."

A short laugh followed and He Tian knew that his boyfriend wasn't really annoyed. Just curious. He didn't like secrets - and He Tian couldn't blame him. He didn't like secretiveness either. But in this case it couldn't be helped. He wanted this to be a special surprise.  
Their two housemates were privy to He Tian's plans and agreed to go on a weekend trip in order to give the other couple some privacy.

"Right. So stay where you are, I'm going to pick you up now", he said and looked at his car, which he had parked on the other side of the road. "And later we have the house to ourselves for the whole weekend."

"Uh-huh." Guanshan could imagine what He Tian had in mind for _later_. "Well, hurry up then, because it looks like it's going to rain."

"Don't worry, darling." They both laughed. "Give me ten minutes. I'm on my way."

"See ya in a bit."

He Tian hung up and shoved the phone into the pocket of his dark coat. He quickly walked to the stoplight and waited for it to turn green. His right hand still held the little box and he snapped it open with a flick of his thumb.  
A smile spread across his face, his features becoming soft for a moment, as he looked at its content. _Perfect_ , he thought, before closing it again and shoving it deep into his other coat pocket.

The traffic light gave a beeping signal and He Tian started walking across the street, deep in thoughts, neither looking left nor right.  
After a few steps, he heard a loud honk and his head turned to the side.  
He Tian froze and stopped walking immediately.  
Face to face with the front of a large truck, he already felt its impact before he could react.

His body was hit with incredible force, his world started spinning, it was light and dark, suddenly he couldn't tell apart up and down, everything was loud, screeching tires, screaming, blood rushing in his ears.

Seconds later he lay there on the asphalt, staring up into the evening sky, feeling strangely weightless... and then everything went black.

**~ Five days later ~**

Guanshan stood in front of the vending machine, staring at the available drinks, but not really looking at them. For days now, his mind was only occupied by one thought: _He Tian, He Tian, He Tian._  
His hands clasped on the front corners of the machine, head hanging low, eyes rimmed red, dark circles underneath.

"Guanshan?"

Jian Yi slowly approached him and tried to give him a reassuring smile.

"Xixi and I are leaving for today. Call us, when... if anything happens."

The redhead just nodded, hands sliding down, before he straightened himself up.  
They hugged for a moment and Zhengxi stepped closer, rubbing his hand over Guanshan's shoulder without a word, before giving it a light squeeze.

He watched them walking down the hospital corridor, side by side. He swallowed and tried to ignore the now ever present sting behind his eyes. Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyesockets, Guanshan tilted his head back and forced himself to take a few deep breaths to keep himself from crying again.

He was so tired.

After a while, he pressed some buttons on the vending machine and got himself a canned espresso.  
He cracked it open and drank a few sips while walking back to He Tian's room.

When he entered, dimmed light, the beeping of the machines and warm, used up air surrounded him immediately.  
Closing the door quietly, he cast the bed a quick glance, before walking to the window and opening it, letting the cold night air freshen up the room.

He put the half empty can down on the nightstand and made sure, He Tian was tucked in properly. Guanshan didn't want him to be cold.  
He settled into the chair next to the bed - his usual place these days, where he spent day and night.

Zhengxi and Jian Yi had tried to talk him into coming home, if only for a few hours, to get some proper sleep. The doctors and nurses of the hospital had tried to coax him into using at least one of the spare beds.

Guanshan had refused.

The only times he had left He Tian's side, was when he went to the toilet or to get a drink.  
When his friends came to visit, they brought him food and clothes for changing.  
And so he had spent the last five days by He Tian's bedside, waiting for him to finally wake up.

At first the doctor had said it was quite normal to be unconscious after such an accident. That He Tian should wake up within a day or two.  
But two days became three. Three became four, four became five. Minutes turning into hours, hours turning into days, days turning into eternity. All of it one blurry mess.

Carefully, Guanshan took He Tian's free hand, the one that didn't have the IV needle in it.  
His gaze wandered over the shape of the body under the blanket.  
His boyfriend looked so different. He couldn't remember ever seeing him so fragile, so vulnerable.

The accident had left He Tian with three broken ribs, a broken leg, countless lacerations and bruises and an intracarnial injury, which was responsible for the coma.

Guanshan lifted the hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss onto the long, motionless fingers.

"Please, wake up", he whispered and looked up at He Tian's sleeping face. Half of it was covered by a respiratory mask.

"I'm begging you", he continued, sounding desperate. "Tian... wake up. Please..."

His vision started to get blurry. The world was swimming again.

"You had enough rest. This isn't fair."

He pressed the back of the hand to his forehead and closed his eyes, choking on a sob.

"...don't leave me."

Everything had gone well over the past few years.  
He had finished school, lived together with his best friends, they all had regular jobs. They laughed, they argued from time to time, they always made up. They enjoyed life. And life had been good to them.

However now none of that mattered anymore.  
The moment Guanshan had picked up that fateful call, everything shattered, his world crumbling down around him.  
Without He Tian... there was no laughter, no happiness and no point in anything really. Not with the way he was violently taken from him.

Guanshan's head sank down onto the mattress next to He Tian's thigh, cheek pressed to the white linen. He kept his hand close to his lips, watching the slow movement of his ribcage under the covers.  
His eyelids were heavy. He tried keeping watch over He Tian for as long as possible, before sleep took over at last.

~

The next time Guanshan woke up, it was still dark outside.  
He sat up and let go of He Tian's hand, rubbing the back of his own neck instead. His shoulders and back hurt from sleeping in that awkward position.  
A short glance at the relaxed face, and Guanshan stood up, walked towards the still open window and closed it. The room felt cold and clammy.

His phone revealed that it was just after five in the morning.  
He stared at the cityscape outside and the thin stripe of orange on the horizon, where the sun would rise soon.

Hearing a muffled sound behind him, Guanshan didn't turn around at first, not being able to connect it to any cause.  
A moment later his eyes went big and he spun around.  
Three big steps and he was beside the bed again.

"Tian?!"

The other man had his eyes open, now slowly focusing on him.  
Guanshan gasped and covered his mouth.  
Finally!!  
He let his hand sink and grabbed He Tian's, gently holding it while sitting down on the edge of the bed.

He Tian's eyes widened, looking around between Guanshan and the room, trying to figure out what was happening.  
The heart monitor started beeping faster and the ventilator started pumping quicker.  
A choked, raspy sound came from under the mask.  
His facial expression changed to panic.

"Hey, hey, easy", the redhead said and rose to his feet. He gently placed a hand on He Tian's chest. "You were in a traffic accident and you broke some ribs. Try to breathe evenly."

Despite those words, He Tian tried to sit up and Guanshan put both his hands on his shoulders and held him down with gentle force.

"Please, don't panic. It's alright. You're in a hospital. You shouldn't get up yet, you're injured."

He looked at the headboard on the wall above and pressed the little red button to call for a nurse.  
He Tian lifted his right hand and dragged the mask down to his chin. His eyes were fixed on Guanshan now.

His voice sounded low and hoarse.

"Who are you?"

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm, I'm not sure if this is something that people are interested in?  
> But thank you for reading if you made it this far :)


	2. I'm missing my same old us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone, who gave this fic a chance and read the first chapter. I was really touched by all the positive feedback you guys gave me here and on social media. You really made my day!  
> Thank you very much for the beta, [crimsonleaf](https://crimsonleaf.tumblr.com/) ♥

Guanshan didn't know what was worse.  
Getting the message from He Tian's accident or learning that his boyfriend had lost his memory. All of it.  
He couldn't remember his friends, his family or anything about his life. Not even his own name.

The doctor had given him a quick check-up after He Tian had woken up, but he announced that they'd have to run proper tests and CT scans later. It was possible that it was just temporary and he could start to remember little things or even everything within a few days— it could also take months or years.  
It was also possible that he'd never remember anything again.

_Who are you?_

Guanshan had just stood there in shock, unable to answer the question.  
First a nurse had shown up, soon after, one of the doctors had walked in.  
And he had just stood there, back against the wall, staring at a random point on the floor, while they asked He Tian a few questions to get an idea of the situation and his current state.

He could still speak all the languages he'd ever learned, he could tell the names of different items they'd shown him, he was even able to use a pen and write something onto a piece of paper they'd handed him.  
In that aspect, everything seemed normal. But all of the rest?

Guanshan felt numb.  
The hospital staff had left the room a few minutes ago and he was alone with He Tian once more.  
He Tian was staring at him, he could feel his gaze on him since a while back now.  
The redhead dared to look up.  
The other man's eyes seemed darker than usual and his stare was so... _intense_.

"Are we close? Or related?", he asked after a moment, voice still a bit raspy from not talking for a few days.

Guanshan didn't want to answer the first one.  
Were they close? Of course they were fucking close! More than that. But how was he supposed to explain that to someone, to whom he suddenly became a nobody?  
As for their relation; no wonder He Tian had asked that. He hadn't had the chance to look into a mirror yet, so it was probably natural to assume that Guanshan was a relative, if he was staying by his side, waiting for him to wake up.

He Tian tried to shift in his bed, presumably to find a more comfortable position. They had removed the respiratory mask, so his face was no longer covered.  
Hesitantly, Guanshan pushed himself away from the wall and stepped closer. He paused by the footend of the bed, not going to sit down in that chair again or on the bed itself. For some reason he felt like that must feel like an invasion of privacy to He Tian.

"Well, we—", his voice cracked. He cleared his throat and tried again. Louder this time. "We live together, but we're not related by blood, no."

He Tian's brows furrowed. "So you're my roommate?"

The redhead only nodded, before taking out his phone and casting it a quick glance.

"You could say that. We rented a house a few years ago and we share it with two other guys. I will call them. They will want to know you finally woke up."

He Tian didn't respond to that, but Guanshan could tell, that he wasn't at all satisfied with those answers. He could only assume that his boyfriend must have a thousand questions right now.  
Sighing, he looked down on his phone once more and flicked through his contacts to call Zhengxi. He was usually the one to be up early.

While the phone was ringing on the other end, Guanshan strolled to the window and turned his back to He Tian.  
When Zhengxi picked up, he explained the situation in short sentences, voice low and hushed.  
He nodded a few times, even though his friend couldn't see him. Then he hung up and slowly walked back to the bed, pocketing his phone.

His eyes wandered down to He Tian's hand, where the clip for the monitor was still attached to keep an eye over his vital functions. The IV was still there as well. He wondered if He Tian was hungry.

"Our friends will be here soon", he finally spoke up again and their eyes met for a short moment.

Guanshan was the one to look away.

"Do you want a drink? Or something to eat maybe? You might be hungry."

"Water", came the answer almost immediately and Guanshan nodded, before leaving the room hastily.

Outside on the corridor, he leaned against the wall next to the room and his body slid down until he was sitting on the cold floor.  
He took a few sharp breaths and shoved his fingers into his short hair, nails dragging over the scalp.

"Fuck!"

He didn't want to cry. Not again. He Tian was awake. He was finally awake. That was something he should be thankful for.  
Yet he couldn't find it in himself to be happy.  
For the time being, he was a stranger to He Tian.

Everything they had built over the past eight years... for He Tian it was gone.  
And where did that leave Guanshan? How was he supposed to act around He Tian from now on?

He rose to his feet, using the wall as support.  
Water. He Tian had requested water.  
He stumbled towards the usual vending machine by the end of the corridor, which had fueled him with caffeine for almost a week now.  
The coins made a clinking metal sound, as they rolled down the inside of the machine. The press of two buttons, the buzzing noise of the bottle being pushed forward and released, the rumble as it fell down into the hatch.  
It was all so familiar. Yet he stared at the bottle behind the glass, as if he'd forgotten how to open the hatch.

A nurse walked by and he tilted his head, only to catch her looking at him in a weird way.  
With a huff he bent over and retrieved the water, before making his way back to He Tian. He took his time, thinking about what to say.  
Guanshan certainly didn't want to overwhelm him, so he decided it might be best not to tell him about their relationship just yet.

Surely it was already a big thing to take in, that he lived together with his three best friends and cut ties with his parents.  
That reminded Guanshan — he'd have to call He Cheng. Or maybe he could ask Jian Yi to do it for him. The quirky blond was way better when it came to dealing with the He-Family. He'd let him handle that.

With a final deep breath, Guanshan opened the door and slipped back into the room.  
He Tian's head turned to him at once. Without a word, the redhead walked to the bedside and offered him the bottle of water.  
He Tian rose his hand slowly to take it, then steadied it with his other hand, before twisting the cap open. He wanted to take a sip, but realized his position wasn't fit to drink from a bottle.

"Oh."

Guanshan quickly kneeled down and searched for the remote to raise the top part of the bed. He found the long, grey cable and pulled on it until he had the end with the remote in his hand. Studying it for a moment, he finally pressed one of the buttons and the mechanics whirred while pushing up the top part of the mattress, bringing He Tian into an almost sitting position.

"How's your chest?", Guanshan asked, sounding worried. "Does it hurt when you sit up?"

"I can manage", He Tian replied and finally took a few sips from the bottle.

"Of course."

The silence that followed was uncomfortably awkward.  
Guanshan picked at some frayed edges of his jeans, He Tian played with the bottle cap.

"You must have lots of questions", he started and coughed to break the weird atmosphere. "I can try to answer, if you want me to."

He Tian nodded and screwed the cap back onto the bottle, before laying it down on the mattress next to his thigh.

"So, the doctor said my name is He Tian?", he waited for an affirmative nod, before he continued. "Then what's your name?"

The redhead pushed back the chair a few inches from the bed and sat down. Standing was too nervewrecking afterall. He folded his hands in his lap, forced himself to appear calm.

"Mo Guan Shan."

"And the other roommates?"

"Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi. Yi and I work at the same hotel. He manages the staff, while I work in the kitchen. Zhengxi has an office job, he's a programmer for a videogame company."

"Wow." He Tian unconsciously mimicked Guanshan and casually folded his hands in his lap. "Then what's my profession? I do have a job, right?"

Guanshan almost smiled at the low concern in the other's voice, but his lips remained a thin line. "You work for a pharmaceutical group as their CFO."

He Tian's hands tightened as his face showed a bit of distress. "CFO?", he asked and sounded a bit confused.

"Erm, a chief financial officer. You manage their finances. It earns a decent salary."

That was probably an understatement. All four of them had landed good jobs with a steady income, which left them in a position where they didn't have to worry about much at all. However, if He Tian would be able to go back to his old job, that remained to be seen.

He played with the grey clip around his forefinger and then looked back at Guanshan.

"How old am I?"

"23."

"Hm."

Guanshan could see how He Tian tried to puzzle together all the information he'd just received. He could sense how his mind was processing everything and realizing that there was an important piece of information still missing.

"Listen, about your family—"

They both turned their heads, when the door opened and two young men entered the room, appearing hurried and out of breath.

"Tian!!"

Jian Yi rushed towards the bed, ready to give his friend a hug, when Zhengxi managed to grab his elbow just in time. He pulled him back with gentle force.

"Please be mindful", he said firmly, but still sounding friendly. "He Tian doesn't know us. You wouldn't like to be hugged by a stranger either, would you?"

He Tian looked indeed a little bit uncomfortable and Jian Yi put both hands over his mouth.

"Of course", he mumbled, eyes big as if in shock. "I'm so sorry!"

He lowered his hands again, now taking the last few steps slowly, before cautiously sitting down by the footend of the bed. His eyes sparkled, mouth stretched into a wide smile.

"I'm so glad you're back amongst the living."

"Yi!"

"It's true. He looked like a corpse with that horrible mask over his face and his eyes closed all the time."

Zhengxi let out an embarrassed groan. Guanshan sighed. What a relief it was, to have their friends here now. Somehow it felt like a lot of the tension had dropped as soon as Jian Yi had waltzed in like a summer storm.

"Maybe we should start with an introduction then?", he offered. "I'm Jian Yi and no matter what the others will try to tell you, I'm actually your best friend. You adore my soft, silky hair and we're the ones who watch horror movies long into the night, while the rest listens to Disney songs instead."

"Lies!" - "That's not true!" Guanshan and Zhengxi shouted at the same time. Jian Yi laughed.

"I'm sorry", he said and closed his eyes for a moment. "Sorry, that you two are pussies."

He Tian still looked uncomfortable and Guanshan felt mortified. "Yi, please", he begged quietly. "Slow down, okay?"

They all fell silent and the redhead pinched the bridge of his nose, before turning back to He Tian.

"As you can guess, the voice of reason here is Zhan Zheng Xi, like I mentioned earlier."

He Tian nodded into his direction and picked up the water bottle again. This time not to drink, but to play with the label.

"How long have we known each other?", he asked. "Are we childhood friends or...?"

"Xixi and I know each other since kindergarten", Jian Yi answered and brushed some strands of ash blond hair behind his ear. "You and I, hm... I think we were around twelve? Thirteen maybe? Ah well and the other two you got to know in middle school, when we were all about fifteen. That story is actually quite hilarious, but maybe we should save that for another day."

Skeptical, He Tian raised an eyebrow, but decided not to dig deeper. For now. Instead, he faced Guanshan again and asked: "You wanted to tell me about my family earlier."

"Ah, that...", Guanshan scratched his cheek, suddenly looking nervous. "It's rather complicated, but to cut straight to the point, you broke all ties with your father and stepmother a few years ago. You have a sibling though, an older brother. Yi will give him a call."

While he said the last bit, he turned his head and stared at Jian Yi intensely, as if he wanted to tell him telepathically to make that call. The other one just shrugged and stood up, fishing a phone out of his pocket.

"Sure, excuse me for a minute then."

He Tian's expression was unreadable. But then he spoke up again.

"I do have a phone, right?"

"Ye, of course", Guanshan replied, while Jian Yi walked out of the room.

"Can I have it, please?"

"S-sure. Uh, I think it must be at the nurse's office with your other valuables. Let me try and get it for you."

He left He Tian alone with Zhengxi and passed Jian Yi in the hallway, the other one already talking on the phone.  
The nurse's office was next to the elevators and Guanshan knocked on the open door, which prompted the young woman behind the desk to look up.

"Ahh, Mr. Mo", she said, remembering him and offering a smile. "Is everything alright with Mr. He? How can I help you?"

"Ye, he's fine, I think, but uhm... excuse me, but he asked for his phone."

"Oh, sure. We have his personal belongings in the safe, since no family member picked them up so far. I'll bring them over in a few minutes."

"Alright, thank you."

He walked back to He Tian's room, noticing that Jian Yi wasn't standing in the corridor anymore.  
When he opened the door, Jian Yi was just telling He Tian, that his brother would stop by tomorrow. Then He Tian looked at him expectantly.

"A nurse will bring it soon", he told him and leaned against the wall. With only a few hours of sleep, he felt dead tired. Maybe he could go home now for half a day or so? He could shower properly and catch a bit of sleep in an actual bed for a change. Surely He Tian would like some privacy now and time to think about... things. The very few things he knew so far. _Dammit_. It was all still too weird. Almost surreal.

Just as he was about to sit down again, there was a knock on the door and everyone looked at the nurse who entered soon after, carrying a little tray with some things on it.

"These are your personal belongings, Mr. He", she said and set it down on the nightstand next to his bed. "The contents of your coat pockets."

"Thank you very much", He Tian replied and glanced over the stuff sitting on the tray. It wasn't much. His wallet, his phone, car keys, house keys, a squished pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  
The nurse left and He Tian was reaching for the phone, when suddenly he paused and noticed the little black box behind the cigarettes.  
It looked an awful lot like a jewelry box.

He took that instead of his phone and opened it. He stared at the content.  
Everybody else in the room froze.

He Tian lowered the ring box down into his lap, taking one of the two platinum rings out and turning it between his fingers.  
The two rings were identical, probably even in size. They were of a light silverish color, the bands quite wide, the outside studded with screw heads.  
He looked back at the box, which was branded with the _Cartier_ logo.

Finally He Tian's gaze went up, staring at the other three guys in the room.

"Do I have a girlfriend?"

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, sorry if this chapter was a bit slow and boring ^^; It's just that I wanted to set the right stage for the upcoming events and didn't want to rush everything too much.  
> Thank you for reading and hopefully I'll see you in part 3 soon :)


	3. I wish you cared a little more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear lovely readers - I'm absolutely blown away by all your kind feedback. Wow, you really made my day and I tried my hardest to finish this chapter quickly, so you didn't have to wait too long for it to continue ^^  
> Thank you very much for the beta, [crimsonleaf](https://crimsonleaf.tumblr.com/) ♥

The following silence was thick enough to be cut by a knife.  
Neither of them wanted to answer the question. Guanshan stared at He Tian in horror.  
That little thought had been there in the back of his mind. However he had tried his hardest to ignore it.  
It was only natural of He Tian to assume he'd have a girlfriend, after seeing the rings. Right? That was what he tried to tell himself. If one couldn't remember anything about their former life, they wouldn't instantly suspect they'd have a partner of the same gender. Yes, it was only natural. _Calm down!_

It was Jian Yi who finally broke the silence by letting out a small, fake cough.

"Uhm, perhaps we shouldn't rush things", he said, sounding rather embarrassed. "It's a bit hard to explain actually. It's..."

"Complicated", Zhengxi offered as an explanation and the both of them nodded in agreement.

He Tian stared at them with unbelieving eyes.

"Complicated?", he echoed. "But I got the rings already. That must obviously mean something. Is she my fiancée? Did something happen to her as well—?" He paused, his expression changing, eyes widening, voice down to a whisper. "Don't tell me... is she...?"

"Dead?", Jian Yi asked, rising his eyebrows and quickly waved a hand into his direction. "No-no-no. It's nothing like that. But, hm..."

"Then I want to see her!", He Tian demanded immediately. "Maybe... maybe I'll remember something, when she's here."

For a while, nobody said anything. He Tian got more and more confused. And frankly more annoyed.

" _He_ is already here", Zhengxi muttered after some consideration. There was no point in trying to keep this a secret for now, if He Tian got so riled up about it already.

He Tian blinked and looked around between all three men. "Excuse me, but what the fuck is going on?"

Jian Yi pointed towards Guanshan, who had turned away from the bed, hiding half his face with one hand.

"Guanshan isn't just your friend, He Tian. He has actually been your partner for the past six years", Jian Yi explained in a quiet voice. "You were planning to propose the night of the accident. That's why you had the rings on you."

He Tian's eyes lay hard on him, not looking over to the redhead.

"Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?", he asked, his voice dangerously calm, almost threatening. "Because it's not fucking funny."

Guanshan's heart sank into his stomach, instantly followed by a sharp pain, the ache coming quickly and mercilessly. Blood rushing in his ears, sweat breaking out and knees going weak, he let out a small gasp and reached for the wall for support.  
A moment later Zhengxi was by his side and led him to the window, opening it to get some fresh air.

He Tian's gaze followed them, brows furrowed.  
Jian Yi stared down on him and clicked his tongue in annoyance. Instead of a reply, he dug out his phone and swept over the screen a few times, before he held it out and offered it to the other man.  
He Tian took it from him and looked at the picture.

It showed a dark-haired guy in his twenties and Guanshan. They were sitting on a couch, both without a shirt and the taller one was hugging him sideways while leaning his forehead against the redhead's temple, eyes closed.

"That was not even two weeks ago", Jian Yi commented. "And I know there are more pictures like this on your own phone. Certainly more intimate as well."

"I need a mirror."

Jian Yi looked confused for a moment, then made a small sound. "Oh, right. You haven't seen yourself yet, huh?"

He took the phone out of He Tian's hands and turned on the front camera, then handing it back.

"Here."

He Tian looked at himself on the screen, turning his head to see his own face from all angles, carefully tracing some of the scratches from the accident, which had started to scab.  
Finally he let the phone drop into his lap, before his eyes darted to the window, where Guanshan had leaned onto the ledge, with Zhengxi's arm around his shoulders.  
He Tian swallowed, adam's apple visibly moving.

"So what? I'm gay?", he asked, shifting his attention back to Jian Yi.

It sounded a lot harsher than he intended to, but the blond didn't seem to take offense by that remark and merely shrugged.

"I don't think so. You never liked to put a label on your sexual orientation."

He Tian picked up the phone and gave it back.

"I think... I need some time alone", he said, suddenly sounding exhausted and tilting his head back, until it rested on the pillow behind him. He took the ringbox from his lap and snapped it shut after one last glance.

"Sure", Jian Yi nodded. "We will leave for today. Remember that your brother will stop by tomorrow. If you need anything or... want to see any of us, just text us or give us a call. I'll tell the nurses to lend you a phone charger."

He Tian hummed in agreement and avoided looking at Guanshan, as they all made their way to the door.  
But the redhead hesitated to leave.

"Is it okay if I stop by tomorrow afternoon again?"

He Tian didn't answer right away. It looked like he was contemplating it.  
Finally he took a deep breath, but turned his face to the window, instead of looking at his alleged partner.

"Alright."

Jian Yi opened the door and motioned for the other two to follow him.

"Bye, He Tian. Get some rest."

They walked down the hallway in silence. Guanshan at the front, hands deep in his jeans' front pockets, shoulders hanging.  
Jian Yi and Zhengxi followed him, exchanging looks, communicating without words.  
Finally Jian Yi shook his head and took three big steps to catch up with his friend.

"Go down with Xixi, he knows where I parked. I'll talk to the nurses and organize a TV card for He Tian's room, okay?"

Guanshan nodded thankfully and went to the elevator, where he pressed the button and prepared to wait. The doors, however, opened immediately and he slowly stepped in, followed by Zhengxi. There was nobody else with them in the cabin and they started going down to the ground floor.

"You okay?"

The redhead thought hard about what to answer. Was he okay? Certainly not.  
Would he ever be okay again? Maybe. But if He Tian's memory would never come back? If he wouldn't fall for him again?  
Then what?

"I'm not", he replied quietly and rubbed his thumb and index finger over his eyes.

Zhengxi turned to face him. He looked helpless seeing one of his best friends like this, not being able to offer anything right now, which would actually make the situation better.

"Give it time", he said, when the doors opened with a ting. "You have to be very patient now and I know it's gonna be hard, but you can't rush things and push him. That'll only drive him further away, you've seen his reaction."

Guanshan sighed. Zhengxi was right. If he'd try to force his feelings on He Tian, he'd probably retreat. But patience wasn't his strong point, everybody knew that.

They walked to the parking lot and waited for Jian Yi.  
The blond didn't take long to catch up and when they were all sitting in Jian Yi's black Lexus, he offered to take Guanshan someplace to have breakfast. However the redhead just wanted to go home and sleep.

"Alright, I'll drop you off then and will drive Xixi to work", he said and maneuvered out of the hospital's parking area. "I only have a half-day today, I'll be back after lunch and check on you."

"Don't worry about me", Guanshan mumbled in the backseat and looked out the window. This was not at all how he'd imagined things to go.  
Every day he had hoped for He Tian to wake up. He had imagined different scenarios, how they'd laugh about the whole thing, because how ridiculous was it, to get involved in an accident during such an important day? He'd imagined how He Tian would annoy him, trying to get Guanshan to blow him by pretending he couldn't use his own hands. He'd imagined how He Tian would get frustrated and ask the doctor every day to be released, so he could finally go home.

But not a single time, Guanshan had thought about the possibility of He Tian losing his memory. To be seen as a complete stranger, as soon as those gray eyes opened again.

~*~

When Guanshan unlocked the door to their family home, a furry and cream-coloured shape ran down the hallway and jumped at him as soon as he pushed the door open.

"Roxy, down!", he shouted and tried to shove the Golden Retriever away so he could close the door behind them.

"I know, I know", he said, when the dog was stomping around him and made a fuss. "Did you miss me, girl?"

Guanshan put the keys into a bowl on the cupboard and dropped to his knees. He hugged the dog and stroked her soft fur, while she tried to lick his face and stick her wet nose into his ear.  
For the first time in days, he couldn't help but smile.  
He hadn't been home since the night of the accident and she must've missed him - and especially He Tian - like crazy. She was He Tian's dog afterall.

"Come on", he got up with a heavy sigh and walked to the living room, Roxy jumping at his side. "I'll let you out. Did you have breakfast yet?"

She barked at him and wagged her tail in excitement. Guanshan opened the sliding door to the garden, but she refused to go out and stayed by his side instead.

"Not leaving me now, hm?"

He went to the kitchen and checked her bowls. Jian Yi must've fed her this morning, since there was still some dog food left in the silver bowl.  
She stomped her paws next to him and sat down, staring at him intensely.  
Guanshan laughed through his nose.

"Do you want a treat?"

One bark was the answer and he opened one of the kitchen cabinets to get a dried pig's ear for her.

"There. This'll keep you busy for a bit."

Roxy happily accepted the treat and ran off to one of her many baskets, to chew it up in peace.  
Guanshan closed the door to the garden and made his way to the bedroom. He wanted to get some fresh clothes, jump in the shower and then sleep until the next day. Maybe he'd wake up and find out that everything had just been one long, horrible nightmare.

But as soon as Guanshan opened the door to his and He Tian's bedroom, reality hit him hard.  
He froze and immediately felt a heavy lump in his throat again, which made it hard to breathe, hard to swallow.  
There were unlit candles all over the room and a single red rose on his side of the bed. He clenched his hands into fists to stop them from trembling and finally walked over to pick up the flower. It was wilted already and had started to dry up after laying there for almost six days.

Why?  
Why did he have to run into He Tian's love confessions over and over again?  
If there hadn't been an accident and He Tian would've taken him to that expensive restaurant and they would've ended up here afterwards, Guanshan would've laughed at the sight of this and would've called him cheesy. They would've kissed then, both wearing their new rings, another symbol of how they unmistakably belonged together, and He Tian would've jokingly accused him of low-key loving this type of attention once in a while.

But seeing all this now — without He Tian — was simply torture.  
Guanshan slumped down on the bed, staring at the rose in his hand.

"You idiot", he whispered, warm drops falling onto his hand and down on the carpet. His fingers curled around the petals, feeling the dried edges, hearing the crisp sound of them crumbling under the pressure.  
He snuffled, before a choked noise escaped his throat and he fell sideways onto the mattress, drawing his feet up on the bed as well.  
His free hand reached over to the other bedside, grabbed He Tian's pillow, pulling it towards him. He inhaled the scent, but couldn't smell him, the only fragrances on the fresh covers were laundry detergent and fabric softener.

Guanshan closed his eyes and drew his knees towards his chest, the broken rose still in one hand.  
He didn't care about the shower anymore. Didn't care about getting cold, laying like this. Didn't care about his aching stomach.

When Roxy jumped onto the bed and curled into a ball behind his legs, he was already asleep.

~*~

The next time he woke up, it was almost dark in the room. Somebody had drawn the curtains. There was also a cozy blanket over his body and he felt comfortably warm.  
Guanshan couldn't tell if it was late in the evening or early in the morning. He had lost any sense of time.  
Lazily he threw back the blanket and got up to head to the kitchen.  
Roxy jumped off the bed and followed him, panting happily, tail wagging.  
He checked the time.  
04:17 in the morning.

For what seemed like endless minutes, he just stood there, hands against the edge of the kitchen counter, leaning his full weight onto it and staring into its clean, shiny surface.  
It wasn't until the dog pawed at his legs that Guanshan snapped out of it and let her out into the garden.

The next two hours, Guanshan worked on autopilot.  
He made breakfast, ate, fed the dog and cleaned the kitchen.  
He hopped into the shower, put fresh clothes on and took care of the laundry.  
All the while trying not to think about He Tian.

At six o'clock he could hear an alarm from the other bedroom, as he was just putting all the candles into the trash, which he had picked up from all over his own bedroom.  
Afterall, there was no need for these anymore. He Tian couldn't remember and he didn't want to remember.  
He closed the lid of the trash can and looked up when Zhengxi walked into the kitchen.

"Morning", his friend said and stopped for a moment to properly look at him.

Guanshan nodded and leaned against the kitchen counter. "Good morning. There's breakfast, if you want some", he pointed towards some plates and bowls that were covered in clingfilm.

"Oh, nice. Thank you."

Zhengxi turned on the coffee machine and grabbed three mugs from one of the cabinets.

"You look better", he commented and shot the redhead a quick glance, before fetching the milk from the fridge. "You slept alright?"

"Ye, I guess so."

They continued chatting quietly, until Jian Yi entered the kitchen, yawning and still sleepy, his hair a mess.  
He joined them at the round glass table and nicked a few bites from Zhengxi's plate instead of getting his own.  
Roxy stormed back into the house upon hearing Jian Yi's voice and ran into the kitchen, paws dirty with soil and a few blades of grass stuck between her claws.

"Ohhh, good morning!", Jian Yi gushed, voice high and excited. "How's my little Roxy today? Have you been digging in the garden?" He bent to the side and started fussing over her.

Guanshan sighed and placed his empty mug down. "She's not that small anymore..."

"She'll always be my little baby. I remember the day you brought her and the look on Tian's face, when... he...", Jian Yi trailed off and closed his mouth. "Mh."

Zhengxi sighed and grimaced, while Guanshan stared down on the glass tabletop.  
It was as if someone had suddenly draped a black cloth over them, like covering up some furniture to prevent them from collection dust, before leaving the house for a long period of time.  
It was quiet for a while.  
Then the scraping sound of a chair being dragged over the floor broke the silence when Guanshan pushed his chair back to get up.

"I'm gonna head back to bed and catch a few more hours of sleep, before..."

"Yeah", Jian Yi nodded. "You do that. And don't worry about work. Boss said, you can take as many days off as you need. He fully understands your situation."

"Thanks. I guess...", he placed his empty mug into the dishwasher and walked out of the kitchen. In the corridor, just outside of his bedroom, he heard them whispering.  
He closed the door behind himself.

~*~

Standing outside He Tian's hospital room, he hesitantly knocked on the door and waited for the other one to respond, rather than just walking in, like he'd done all those days before.  
It didn't take long for the dreaded "Come in" to sound through the closed door and Guanshan took a deep breath before entering.  
He could feel his heart painfully throbbing in his chest and just hoped that He Tian wouldn't look at him the same way he did yesterday, before they left.

To his surprise though, He Tian looked pretty normal today, almost relaxed, facial expression neutral. The IV drop and the monitor were gone. It was just him on that white bed, dark hair freshly washed, bruises already fading and if it wouldn't have been for that cast on his left leg, one could almost assume he'd be ready to leave soon.

"Hi", he said and closed the door behind him, a black motorcycle helmet in one hand.

He Tian looked at him with mild interest then. "Hey", he answered and gestured to the chair next to the bed.

Guanshan placed the helmet on the nightstand, next to a vase with fresh flowes, and opened the zipper of his dark leather jacket before sitting down. "How are you today?"

"Better", He Tian answered honestly and the redhead could feel his gaze on him, how he was eyeing his new appearance. He looked way more like himself today than he had yesterday in those wrinkly, wornout clothes, with little to no sleep and puffy, red eyes.

"You came by bike?"

"Yeah, I could've taken your car, but I prefer riding on two wheels", he smirked and leaned back, suddenly feeling a little bit cool. "Who sent you the flowers?"

"Ah", He Tian curled his bottom lip inwards and scraped his teeth over it, before letting it go again. "The family of the man who drove the truck was here earlier. They came to formally apologize."

Guanshan sat up straight, brows furrowed. "I heard he was hardly injured and is awaiting trial right now." It sounded more like a question.

"Yes. My brother said that the police will visit me in the upcoming days. They'll have questions, even though I'm almost certain I won't be able to answer them."

"Seems like you had a busy day so far."

"You could say that."

The redhead looked at He Tian and they locked eyes for a second.

"I guess you didn't have any sort of flashback so far?" There was a flicker of hope in his voice, even though he knew that was probably pretty unrealistic right now.

He Tian shook his head slowly. "No", he answered, sounding thoughtful. "I can't even remember my damn passwords."

He picked up the phone that had been lying next to him on the mattress and waved it into Guanshan's direction.

"I asked Cheng to take it with him to unlock it with some professional help, however he said that you would be able to do so."

Without a word, Guanshan leaned forward and stretched out his arm to take the phone from him. He swept over the screen and typed in the pin, then handed it back.  
He Tian's expression was unreadable.

"So he was right. You knew", he murmured and stared down at the unlocked screen, where folders upon folders of pictures and videos waited to be discovered, text and voice messages waited to be read and heard. The past few years of his life: precious moments, memories, stories and information — all stored inside this little device.

"Tian...", Guanshan started and took a shaky breath. "We knew everything about each other."

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for reading this fanfic and I apologize if there was too much dog stuff ^^;  
> I'll tone it down in future chapters, haha. So don't worry, this won't turn into a dog-fic, lol


	4. I need someone to tear me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry that this took me almost 2 weeks - I got kinda busy reading fanfics myself, haha.  
> But once again I was completely overwhelmed by all the kind feedback which reached me after the last chapter.  
> I can't thank you guys enough for dedicating your freetime to read this story :D  
> Thank you very much for the beta, [crimsonleaf](https://crimsonleaf.tumblr.com/) ♥

The following week He Tian had to undergo some tests at the hospital and was visited frequently by his friends and his brother.  
Like predicted, someone from the police had also shown up to take his testimony. A psychologist from the hospital was sent next - to evaluate the situation and He Tian's state of mind.  
There was still no progress in recovering his memory, however one of the specialists assured him, that once he was allowed to go home, it might be easier and even very much likely that he'd start to remember things, being surrounded by personal belongings and living in the same space.

During the daily visits from his roommates, He Tian had rediscovered that he liked Jian Yi. The young man was funny and joyful, his way of speaking with his whole body and creating a light-hearted mood so easily had something charming about it and soon He Tian could easily imagine why they were friends.  
However he still wasn't so sure about Zhengxi. Jian Yi's partner was way more calm, almost the opposite of him, and it always seemed like he'd think a lot about what to say before opening his mouth. Every word seemed revised, calculated, to the point. There was something slightly discomforting about him, that He Tian couldn't quite grasp yet.

And then there was Guanshan.  
Once he had started looking through the pictures and text messages on his phone, He Tian actually felt mortified around him. They looked so close on some of those pictures. So intimate, so natural around each other. Like they were meant to be.  
And yet, when the redhead sat on that chair next to his bed, making awkward conversation, he looked at him and couldn't figure out what was so special about him. Why did he used to be in love with this guy? So much, that he actually wanted to marry him?  
He Tian didn't even know if Guanshan was his type. He had no idea anymore, what his type was.  
All he knew was that this tall man, with his short red hair and amber eyes, used to make him happy. In some magical, incomprehensible way, this guy evidently had the ability to make him happy. The proof was right there, in the memory of his phone. And now he wasn't able to relate to it anymore.

There was another thing on his phone though. Something he didn't dare to look at yet. He Tian had just seen that special video folder and the preview icon — which told him exactly what kind of content was to be expected there.  
He didn't want to see this. And for a second, he even thought about straight up deleting it, but then he'd found himself hesitating. There was a possibility, he'd get back all his memories. And if that were the case, he'd surely be upset with his past-self for deleting memories, which were apparently so important that he'd saved them there. Inappropriate or not.  
He had let the folder be then. Deciding not to bother with it for now.

Afterall, there were literally hundreds, if not thousands, of other pictures, videos and text messages, which were supposed to help him remember.  
However it was like watching the life of somebody else. His own voice sounded strange on recordings, his movements seemed weird - not his own, yet he wasn't even sure himself, how he'd move around, since he had only been able to leave the bed for the past two days. And only for short periods of time.  
Everything felt new and unfamiliar. When he had tried the crutches for the first time earlier today, it was like walking with somebody else's legs.

He Tian didn't know who he really was.  
And it frightened him.

He was to be released this afternoon and the thought of going back to an unfamiliar home, to a life that somebody else used to live, caused his stomach to twist, made his palms sweat and his mouth go dry.  
Also Guanshan was going to pick him up alone, since the other two had to work late. Another thing that made him nervous. He wasn't comfortable being alone with the redhead yet. He Tian could sense the longing, when those amber eyes rested on his body. That type of attention was something he couldn't deal with.  
What was he supposed to do? He felt sorry for Guanshan, but he also knew it was impossible to just give him his partner back to just start a relationship with a stranger, who claimed to know him better than he knew himself.

As the hours went by, a nurse helped He Tian to get ready and pack the few things which his friends had brought over.  
After 4pm, he was sitting in a chair, still in his room, fully dressed, with the left leg of his pants rolled up over his knee, exposing the cast.  
He was on edge, his right foot tapping a nervous rhythm, hands either constantly running through his hair or pulling on the seams of his clothes.  
Just as he reached for the glass of water on his nightstand, there was a knock on the door.

He Tian froze, his heart skipping a beat, breath held.  
After a few seconds, he let it out with a small hiss and leaned back in the chair.

"Come in."

The door opened and Guanshan poked his head in.

"Hi", he said and offered an uncertain smile, before entering the room, not bothering to close the door behind him. "Are you ready to leave?"

He Tian nodded and grabbed the armrests of the chair to stand up. His chest hurt, his healing ribs protesting against the movement.  
Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Guanshan instinctively move in his direction, silently offering help. He tried to ignore it. He wasn't helpess.  
He shifted all his weight onto the right leg and turned half around, grabbing the crutches.

"Is that all?", Guanshan asked, as he took the black bag and gave the room a quick glance.

"Yes", he replied shortly and started walking towards the open door.

Guanshan waited until He Tian was out in the hallway, then he closed the door behind them and started heading for the elevator.

"You want to say Goodbye to the nurses?", he asked and waited for He Tian to catch up.

He shook his head, taking two more cautious steps. "No, they'll only force one of these wheelchairs on me", he answered and made a face. "I'll send some flowers via a courier later."

The redhead nodded and called the elevator.  
They rode down in silence, left the hospital and Guanshan ordered him to wait by the entrance while he fetched the car.  
He Tian looked around before closing his eyes for a moment and enjoying the fresh breeze messing up his hair. The air smelled way better out here than in that stuffed hospital room.  
A black BMW came to a halt in front of him and Guanshan got out, walked around the car and opened the passenger door for him.

"Here, give me those, I'll put them in the back."

He Tian walked towards the car and carefully sat down, handing the crutches to the redhead. Slowly he pulled in his legs, making sure not to bump his cast against anything.  
He heard the clatter, when Guanshan put the two crutches on the backseats, then the door clapped, a few seconds later he was sitting next to him, pulling his seatbelt.  
He Tian buckled up himself and put his hands into his lap. He felt weird.

"This is your car by the way", Guanshan said, while leaving the parking lot and heading for the open road. "Do you like it?"

He Tian frowned and gave the dashboard a quick glance. What kind of question was that? He shrugged. "It's okay, I guess", he replied vaguely. "I must've liked it a lot apparently, if I once spent money on this."

Guanshan merely nodded and concentrated on the traffic.  
He Tian bit the inside of his mouth. He probably didn't exactly make this easier for the two of them. But he could hardly help it. He didn't think that this redhead was even remotely funny or somewhat interesting. So far, it only annoyed him that this man clearly wanted him to be someone he didn't know. His only hope relied in the home they were heading towards now. Maybe, if he saw how they used to live, he'd be able to remember. Hopefully there was something, that would—

"Tian?"

He snapped out of his thoughts and turned his head. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if you're hungry. And if you wanted me to cook you something at home or if you wanna grab some takeout on the way?"

He Tian shrugged and looked back onto the road ahead. "Whatever", he mumbled.

He wasn't feeling particularly hungry, though he knew he didn't like the hospital food much.

"Hey, uhm... what's my favorite dish?"

It felt awkward asking someone else this question. But Guanshan answered instantly, without the slightest hesitation.

"Beef stew."

"Oh", He Tian tried to think about this dish, tried to remember the taste. It was all blank. "Can you make it?"

A smile tugged on the corner of Guanshan's mouth.

"Sure. I'll drop you off and then go for some shopping", he said. "That'll give you some time to explore the house on your own, I don't know if that helps, but..."

He Tian nodded. "Thank you."

They spent the rest of the drive being quiet, not even listening to the radio.  
He Tian actually felt relieved when Guanshan pulled into the driveway, parking the BMW in the spacious courtyard in front of the large single-story house.  
So this was where they all lived together.  
He kept staring at the house while climbing out of the car, holding onto the door for support. Guanshan got him the crutches and He Tian started walking towards the front door, looking at the neat cobblestone patterns on the ground, the cultivated flower beds next to the fence and the huge gate of the garage on the left.

Everything looked neat and clean and _expensive_. He was slightly impressed, even though he recognized some of this from a few pictures he had seen on his phone.  
Guanshan grabbed He Tian's bag with spare clothes and the bunch of keys in his other hand jingled softly, as he fumbled for the doorkey.  
He Tian saw him pausing out of the corner of his eye, while he was busy admiring everything around him, but Guanshan didn't say anything, just proceeded to unlock the door, hand on the doorknob, waiting for him to follow.

"Here we are", he finally said, pushing the door open and letting He Tian walk in first.

He passed the treshold and took two more careful steps, his eyes already darting around the corridor, taking in furniture, pictures on the wall, decoration items.  
One, two heartbeats later, something raced around the corner, paws sliding on the polished wooden floor, tongue hanging out, tail wagging and panting happily.

The Golden Retriever jumped at He Tian, smashing her front paws into his aching chest and causing him to lose his balance, crutches noisily falling to the floor.  
It all happened so fast. He was far too surprised to brace himself and react.  
Luckily Guanshan was right behind him to prevent the fall.  
His back hit the redhead's chest, when he stumbled backwards, a surprised noise escaping his throat.  
Guanshan let the bag drop to the floor in an instant, his arms instinctively wrapping around He Tian's waist.

Immediately, He Tian stiffened.  
Through all the ruccus, his shirt was slightly pushed up, Guanshan's fingers touching the small bit of exposed skin on his flat stomach.  
It was the first physical contact they had since he woke up from his coma.  
To He Tian's surprise, his boyfriend felt astonishingly warm and alive around him, while he was almost hugging him.  
It was, as if his body could remember the touch. His body, but not his mind.  
The thought scared him.

"Roxy! Down! Get off, girl!"

He Tian was grateful for the dog distracting him out of his thoughts in this moment and he tried to push her away from his now painfully aching ribs.

"Shit", Guanshan cursed under his breath, reaching around with one hand, trying to keep the excited dog at bay. "Tell her to sit, she'll listen to you."

He Tian's eyes widened in surprise upon hearing this.  
Sure, he'd seen pictures of this dog, but he had never bothered to ask any of his roommates about it.

"Sit", he finally said in a stern voice and Roxy obeyed almost immediately, lowering her behind onto the floor, looking at him expectantly while still wagging her tail in excitement.

"Wow, what the..."

Guanshan let go of him, picking up the crutches.

"Sorry, should've warned you about her. She's yours. So out of the four of us, you got the highest chance of getting her to do what you want", he explained and walked past the dog into the living room.

He Tian took a moment to catch his breath, carefully rubbing his chest before following him, Roxy on his heels.

"You alright?", Guanshan asked, his chin jerking into the direction of He Tian's torso.

"Yeah, it's fine", he assured him and stopped to take a look around.

The redhead gestured to the open kitchen. "If you're thirsty, just grab a drink. Around the kitchen corner, you'll see another corridor. You'll find the bedrooms there, a study and the bathroom we all share."

He Tian nodded, not looking at Guanshan, but at all the nice furniture and the large window front, giving a stunning view onto the patio and the garden behind it.

"Well", the redhead scratched the back of his head. "I'll be buying some groceries then, I'll be back in less than an hour. Will you be okay until I return?"

He Tian turned to look at him now. "I'm not a three-year-old... I think I can be left alone for an hour", he said more sarcastically than intended.

"That's not what I meant", Guanshan mumbled, letting his hand sink, looking a bit lost. "Right then."

He Tian looked down at the dog, who tried to get his attention by constantly pawing into his direction.

"Hey, wait", he shouted, when the other one had already disappeared behind the corner.

Guanshan stopped and stepped back, looking at him inquiringly.

"You said, her name was... Roxy?"

"Yes", he answered. "At first we thought it was a boy, so you wanted to name it Rocky, then we found out she's female, so you changed it to Roxy."

He Tian raised an eyebrow. "How can you confuse a dog's gender?!"

"Well, when I bought her for you, she was just a tiny puppy and the breeder had assured me, this was a boy. I didn't bother to look then, so..."

Roxy barked as if she could understand what they were saying and wanted to confirm the story. He Tian hobbled towards the dining table and sat down on one of the chairs to stroke the dog, who settled down next to him in an instant.  
Her fur felt soft, especially on the top of her head and around the ears. He smiled.

Guanshan stood in the doorway for a few seconds, indecisive what to say next, but finally he turned to leave again. "See you in a bit."

"Later", He Tian mumbled, too focused on Roxy now.

So she was a present from Guanshan.  
Not the worst present one could give. He continued to pet her, while she rested her head on his thigh.  
He wondered just how attached he used to be to her. She was cute and seemed to listen to him. How old could she be?

He Tian sighed and looked around. There was an ashtray on the table. He remembered there were cigarettes amongst his personal things in the hospital, however he hadn't felt the need to smoke since he had awoken.  
He had no idea how much of a smoker he used to be, but maybe he could see this as an opportunity to quit?

After several minutes he forced himself to get up and started exploring the house.  
The living room had the open kitchen in one corner, the dining area in another and the rest of the room was turned into some kind of lounge area with a large TV, a ridiculously long corner couch for at least eight people and a small coffee table in the middle.  
A kitchen aisle separated the cooking appliances from the rest of the room.  
Down the second hall, he found the home office. A surprisingly big room with two computer desks, some shelfs, a small two-seater sofa and another huge TV with some gaming consoles set up.  
The room next to it was the bathroom. To his delight, it contained both, a shower and a bathtub.

Only two rooms were left to explore on the other side of the corridor.  
He Tian opened the door to the first one and stopped after taking only one step inside.  
None of the things looked familiar, yet he knew immediately that this was his room. There was something about the scent lingering in there, which was different from the rest of the house.  
It reminded him slightly of the way Guanshan smelled, but there was something else.

He Tian gripped the doorknob harder when he felt a painful sting behind his forehead. He could feel he was on the verge of remembering something, yet the harder he tried to focus on it, the more it seemed to slip away. Like waking up after a deep sleep and trying to remember a dream. One second, he thought he could remember some actual events, the next second there was nothing left but a faint idea of what had happened here before.  
The only thing left behind was the strong scent of this particular room, which he inhaled greedily, while stepping forward now, letting go of one crutch, a hand reaching for the comforter on the bed, touching it, fingertips sliding up towards the pillow.  
He grabbed it and pressed it into his face, taking a deep breath.

Nothing.

Frustrated he tossed it back, sitting down with a huff, regretting the sudden movement immediately and wincing as his ribcage reminded him of the broken bones again.  
He Tian sat there for a while, just staring down at his cast, fingers clawing into the blanket beneath him.  
Apparently he had secretly hoped for a miracle, the doctors at the hospital giving him hope that he'd be able to remember as soon as he set foot into his old life.  
Maybe he needed to look for more personal things instead?

He forced himself to get up and decided to look through the drawers, shelfs and cabinets. It couldn't hurt to dig for more clues.  
He Tian almost laughed at that thought, suddenly asking himself if that was how private investigators must feel when they broke into someone else's house, looking for evidence. He had seen it on TV a few days ago and had found it rather interesting.

Since it was closest to him, he decided to start with the nightstand.  
He Tian opened the top drawer to peek inside and froze instantly. He stared for a few seconds, hand still on the handle, before he slowly straightened up and let go.  
His scalp tingled and his heart started beating faster, eyes big, heat creeping up into his cheeks.  
A few seconds later, he bent forward again, his right hand reaching for the condoms in slow-motion, his left grabbing a tube of lubricant.

He Tian stared at the items and swallowed.  
Why was this here?  
 _Because you used to have an active sex life_ , he told himself and closed his eyes for a moment, telling himself not to act silly. Of course it was perfectly normal to have such things in a bedroom.  
Yet, he couldn't help but feeling nauseated by the sight of it. His mind was racing, thinking of that video folder on his phone again. The forbidden folder. Now it was impossible not to imagine the unspeakable things which that redhead and him were doing before the accident.

"Tian?"

His head jerked to the side, heart skipping a beat, his hands losing grip on the items he was holding. Some condoms and the lubricant fell to the ground with a low thud.  
He felt like a kid, who was caught stealing.  
Guanshan was standing in the doorway, brows furrowed.

"What are you doing?"

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now. We're finally starting to get to the 'interesting' part of this whole thing, haha.  
> Thanks a lot for reading, if you made it this far :D


	5. I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU for all the love and support you've shown me during the last 2 weeks, here and on social media. You guys are incredible. Sorry you had to wait so long for this chapter. But I hope you enjoy~ (There's drama, so brace yourselves lol)  
> PLUS there's fanart by [Clo](https://clomtlqc.tumblr.com/) ♥  
> [Also a big, huge thank you to bellona-owl, crimsonleaf and raichu for the help and the beta!! ♥]

When He Tian didn't answer, merely stared at him, Guanshan sighed and stepped closer.  
He picked up the crutches and leaned them against the bed next to him. Then he bent down to retrieve the items he had dropped.

"If this already shocked you, you shouldn't open the drawer below the bed", he said and tried to sound funny.

He Tian continued to be silent, his lips nothing but a thin line.  
Guanshan put the things back into the nighstand drawer before taking the last condom out of He Tian's hand and tossing it in as well. He closed the drawer with a loud rattle.

"Don't think about this too much, if it makes you feel uncomfortable", he suggested and took a step back, eying him carefully.

"I'll start cooking. Come to the kitchen when you're ready."

Guanshan turned around and left the bedroom, giving He Tian the time and space to process his latest discovery. He didn't think condoms and some scented jelly would be that big of a deal for the other one, but apparently he had underestimated the situation. Just how much of common sense and usual, everyday life was still present in He Tian's mind?  
He knew from back in the hospital that He Tian was able to recall how to use electronic devices and appliances. When the doctors had asked him about certain activities, He Tian was very much able to explain the concept of them all.

Guanshan took the groceries out of the white, flimsy plastic bag and set them on the kitchen counter, staring at a random point while thinking about his boyfriend.  
Surely He Tian knew about sex as well, understood the whole concept of it, how it was done between different genders. However if he couldn't remember having sex anymore - did that practically make him a virgin again?  
The redhead could feel the heat coloring his cheeks, having these kind of thoughts.

Annoyed with himself, he closed his eyes, clapped his hand together in front of his face and tried to focus on the task at hand: Food. Dinner. Preparations. No distractions please.

He gave the vegetables a wash, defrosted a container of beef broth he had stashed in the freezer and gathered all the utensils and equipment he needed.  
After chopping, slicing and dicing all the vegetables, he cut the beef into generous chunks and started frying them off in a pan.  
He Tian silently joined him in the kitchen, just as he transferred the seared meat into a large stew pot.

A bit clumsily He Tian sat down on one of the two bar stools on the opposite side of the counter, leaning his crutches against the edge.  
Guanshan deglazed the pan with a little bit of water and poured that into the pot as well. He set everything down and took a moment to look at his spectator.

"Are you still on pain medication?", he asked and reached for a kitchen towel to wipe his hands.

He Tian looked a bit surprised but shook his head slightly. "No, not since yesterday."

Guanshan nodded and turned around to open the fridge. "Want a beer?", he asked and paused, peeking around the door. "Or maybe you prefer a glass of wine?"

The other one thought about it. "I think I'd prefer the wine?" He sounded unsure.

Snatching a beer, before he let the door slam shut, Guanshan opened one of the drawers and fetched a bottle opener. "Why not try both?"

The cap came off with a low hiss and he set the cold bottle of Heineken in front of He Tian, before spinning around again, going for the wooden wine rack in the far corner of the kitchen.  
He pulled out a bottle of Merlot.

"We're gonna need this for the stew anyway", he said and rummaged through a different drawer, trying to find the cork screw to remove the cork.

"So you mentioned you're a cook", He Tian said, as he watched the redhead extracting the cork and taking two bulgy wine glasses out of one of the overhead cabinets.

"A sous-chef"¸ Guanshan corrected and sniffed the underside of the cork. He didn't study gastronomy and went to culinary school for several years just to end up as a short order cook in some meaningless restaurant chain. "I'm working at the Shangri-La, the same hotel where Yi works as a manager."

He carefully poured the red liquid into the two glasses, filling them just shy of halfway up.

He Tian reached for the green bottle first, the condensation already leaving a wet circle on the countertop. "You seem to be really proud of your job", he said, a faint hint of amusement in his voice. He took a sip and put it back down.

"Hell yeah!", Guanshan exclaimed. "Chef Kam had been working for the Shang Palace for several years, while I was still studying. I wanted nothing more than to work with him, so I literally started out as a dishwasher despite my training. Took me years of work and additional training to get to where I am now. I think I'm allowed to be proud of my achievements."

"Hey, sure", He Tian raised both eyebrows and lifted his hands in defense. "You're really passionate about cooking. That's cool."

They locked eyes, staring at each for several seconds, trying to figure out what the other one was thinking.  
Finally, Guanshan averted his gaze and cleared his throat.

"Right", he croaked. "How's the beer?"

"Awful."

He laughed through his nose. "Ye, I don't like it either. Dutch beer... But for some reason Zhengxi and Yi love that shit."

He Tian got a hold of the stem of the wineglass with three fingers and lifted it up to his lips.

"Much better", he nodded, after taking a cautious sip. "I could get used to that, I think."

"Wait until you try whisky", Guanshan muttered and turned around to fry the vegetables in the pan.

They were mostly quiet while he continued to make He Tian's favorite dish. He added the softened vegetable cubes to the stew and fried the mushrooms next, adding a bit of flour at the end. Afterwards he poured the beef stock into the large pot, followed by a more than generous glug of the red wine and a myriad of spices and herbs.  
All the while, He Tian was watching him, absentmindedly stroking Roxy's head, who came to sit next to him and leaned her head against his good leg.

"Alright", Guanshan sighed and started to clean up. "That needs to simmer for an hour now, then I'll add the potatos and peas. And half an hour after that, we can eat. The others should be back by then as well."

He Tian downed the rest of his drink.

  
  
_(Amazing fanart drawn by[Clo](https://clomtlqc.tumblr.com/)! Please follow him on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/clomtlqc/) for more 19Days fanart ♥ )_   


At around half past seven Roxy suddenly got excited and ran towards the front door. Only seconds later, said door was opened and He Tian could hear Jian Yi coming in, starting to make a fuss over the dog immediately.  
He was sitting at the dinner table while Guanshan was in the bathroom, taking a shower.

"Ahh, that smells sooo nice", Jian Yi said, appearing around the corner, stepping into the living room. He saw He Tian by the table and came over, loosening his necktie.

"Is Momo making his famous beef stew?"

He Tian nodded and looked at the dog, who tried to get Jian Yi's attention back.  
The blond dragged his blue paisley tie over his head and proceeded to open the first few buttons of his white shirt.

"I'll have to text Xixi, so he won't bring takeout", he said, turning around and slipping out of his dark blazer. "Man, I missed Momo's cooking. Where is he anyway? Shower?"

"Ye", He Tian said, voice a bit hoarse. He cleared his throat. "Was he always cooking for... us?"

"Mostly, yes", Jian Yi answered, blazer neatly folded over his arm. "Okay, I'll get changed, then we can talk some more."

He disappeared into the second corridor and soon after, Guanshan returned. Barefoot and a white towel around his waist, skin still damp from the shower. He went into the kitchen to check on the stew and give it a stir.  
He Tian turned away, pretending to look out into the garden, even though by now it was almost dark outside.  
Guanshan suppressed a sigh and bit back a comment about missing out on a nice view. The old He Tian would've loved that. But then again - that version wouldn't have looked away in the first place.

"Don't just sit there, looking bored", he said instead. "Turn on some music at least."

"Ah, no, it's alright—"

But the redhead had already turned on the radio in the kitchen.

"This is your home too, Tian. You don't need to sit there, acting like a guest. Do whatever you want", he said over the tunes of a pop song and opened the fridge to get a cold drink.

He Tian looked at him then. Probably more out of principal than interest. Guanshan unscrewed the cap from the bottled water and drank almost half of it, before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.  
He wanted to say something else, but then Jian Yi entered the kitchen, wearing a gray tanktop and some matching yoga pants.

"You started the party without me?", he laughed and bumped his hips playfully into Guanshan's side.

"Hey", Guanshan placed the bottle on the counter and held onto his towel, when he felt the knot getting a little loose. "Dinner's practically done. When will Xixi be here?"

"Any minute now", Jian Yi answered and grabbed the bottle, taking a few swigs as well. "Man, I love this song!"

Guanshan shook his head and rushed into the bedroom to get dressed, while Jian Yi started dancing, much to He Tian's amusement.

Standing in front of their open wardrobe, Guanshan thought about what to wear, before realizing that there was probably no point in trying to impress He Tian. He was glad to see that his boyfriend was still able to laugh about stupid shit, if only he was the one who could make him smile. Ever since He Tian had woken up, it had always been Jian Yi who was able to stretch that beautiful mouth into a bright and wide smile.  
It was frustrating.

In the end, he settled for a simple look which was similar to what Jian Yi was wearing. What all of them were wearing most of the time inside the house anyway - tanktops and sweatpants.  
Aside from him, all the others had jobs which forced them to wear tailored suits. Thus, wearing something that allowed you to move your arms freely was far more comfortable.

When Guanshan returned to the living room, he walked in on Jian Yi showing off his twerking skills to ' _Single Ladies_ ' in front of a chuckling He Tian.

"Stop embarrassing yourself", he muttered and ran a hand over his face, before turning down the volume of the music. "I think he's seen enough..."

Jian Yi just laughed and walked up to him, ruffling his short, still wet hair.  
Then he leaned his elbow on Guanshan's shoulder and looked back to He Tian.

"You are a hell of a dancer yourself. We should hit the clubs as soon as that cast comes off."

He Tian gaped at him. "Me?", he asked doubtfully. "A dancer?"

"Yep. Best I've ever seen. Right, Momo?"

"Hmh."

They started setting the table and Guanshan thought about their club nights. He Tian could be such a party animal at times. He would always attract a crowd when he hit the dance floor. Men and women flocking to him, just like the countless girls back in school.

He sneaked a peek at him, when putting down a silver spoon next to the empty porcelain bowl on his bamboo placemat.  
Would He Tian actually enjoy this kind of attention now? It was clear to him that he didn't enjoy Guanshan's attention so far and always put up a guard. He wondered what he needed to do in order to change that.  
But before Guanshan had more time to dwell on his thoughts, Zhengxi returned home and joined them at the table - too hungry to change out of his suit right away. He merely took off his blazer and hung it over the backrest of the chair.

"Beef stew?", he asked and turned to look at the kitchen, where Guanshan just fetched the big pot.

Jian Yi laughed and came closer, carrying two open beers. "Missed Momo's cooking, too?"

He gave his boyfriend a peck on the lips and handed him one of the bottles.  
Zhengxi took a swig, before putting it down on the table. "Well, I love you and all, but after two weeks of only takeout and your cooking, my taste buds could use a rest", he laughed and barely dodged the blond's playful slap.

"Stop squabbling and sit down", Guanshan said, rolling his eyes and putting the stew on a cork coaster in the middle of the table.

He started ladling the thick soup into all of their bowls and then stared at He Tian, while the other two started eating immediately.

"I'm starving", Jian Yi said around a mouthful of beef and potato.  
Zhengxi elbowed him in the side. "Don't eat and talk at the same time."

He Tian paid them no attention. He sat there, spoon in his hand, looking at the contents of the bowl in front of him.  
Slowly he dipped into it, scooping a few peas and some of the thick broth onto the spoon. He hesitated for a moment, before raising it to his mouth, lips parting, wrapping around the polished metal.  
Guanshan could only stare and it dawned on him that He Tian only had had hospital food since he woke up.

He almost didn't dare to ask, but he had to know. "How is it?"

He Tian didn't answer right away. He took his time, savoring the taste, swallowed, lowered the spoon.  
Jian Yi and Zhengxi had stopped eating as well.  
Everyone was looking at him now, curious to hear his judgement.  
He looked up, brows furrowed.

"It's good."

Guanshan could tell by the sound of his voice, that something was wrong.

"You can say if it's not after your taste", he assured him. "I won't take offense."

He Tian's head jerked to the side. "No, it's just, that....", he trailed off and put the spoon down.

"I think I remember the taste", he tried to put his thoughts into words. "I know I've never eaten this, yet... it tastes familiar. And I feel like it reminds me of something, but I can't really remember what it was."

He sighed in frustration and Guanshan reached out on impulse, wanting to stroke his shoulder. However he froze midway and just barely kept from flinching when Jian Yi coughed.

"Sorry", the offender croaked and Zhengxi slapped his back. "But that's good. Isn't it?"

"No", the brunette said. "It's probably highly frustrating."

Everyone kept silent after that and the mood was dampened, despite the cheerful pop music.  
They finished their dinner without talking about much else.  
As they put away all the dirty tableware into the dishwasher, Jian Yi sighed and said: "Maybe we should call it an early night? Momo is off until late afternoon tomorrow, right? You two could take Roxy to the beach, she hasn't been there for a while."

Guanshan nodded. "Good idea. You up for it?"

He Tian shrugged, leaning against the kitchen counter. "Sure, why not." He sounded bored.

Zhengxi raised an eyebrow and started walking away. Before leaving the kitchen, he turned to the dark-haired man and offered: "You can shower first."

He Tian grabbed his crutches. "Alright."

Guanshan followed Zhengxi into the hallway and walked into his' and He Tian's bedroom.  
He waited until his boyfriend caught up, then closed the door behind them. He Tian spun around - as fast as his crutches allowed him.

"Why did you close the door?", he asked, voice slightly alarmed, defensive.

Guanshan gave him a funny look. "Relax, man. It's just the bedroom door. What are you getting so worked up about?"

Did He Tian expect him to try something funny?  
He placed his hands on his hips and slightly shook his head, while He Tian stared at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"I thought you wanted to shower, but if you prefer getting undressed with the door open... have it your way. It's not like all four of us haven't seen each other naked yet."

Guanshan turned around and opened the door to leave it ajar.  
He Tian didn't move an inch the entire time. He looked pissed.  
The redhead forced himself to stay calm, even though he felt like snapping at him, since he was slowly losing his patience.

"Do you need help showering?", he asked. "Or want me to run you a bath? I suppose you could bend your left leg over the edge of the tub. I mean, your cast shouldn't get wet, so—"

"I don't want your help!"

Guanshan bit the inside of his bottom lip and looked away, hoping He Tian wouldn't catch the flicker of hurt in his eyes.  
He suppressed a sigh and came closer. He Tian took a step back.  
Guanshan let out a puff of air.

"Can you like... not look so disgusted, please?", he asked, sounding clearly hurt now. "I know it's hard for you to accept all this, but there really is no need to be so rude."

"Rude?", He Tian echoed.

Guanshan nodded. "Yes. You're being very rude, I don't know if you even realized it, but I'm trying my best here, okay? I just want to help you and you could be a bit more approachable, alright. I think you owe me that much."

He Tian laughed. A short and incredulous sound. There was nothing funny about it.

"Are you serious?!", he snapped, tossing the crutches aside. "I don't owe you shit! I don't even _know_ you!"

"...wow."

Guanshan stumbled back as if He Tian had shoved him away. Never in his life, he would've thought such words could come out of his boyfriend's mouth. Much less directed at him.  
He Tian stood there, weight shifted on his good leg, fingers raking through his hair, scratching the scalp.  
He flung his arms open in a helpless gesture, before letting them sink to his sides again.

"Let's be real here for a moment, Guanshan", he hissed, "the man you love, the man you desperately want me to be... that person currently doesn't exist."

Guanshan felt his heart sinking into his stomach. He sat down on the foot end of the bed, hands in his lap. He felt awful.

"I'm only asking you to try", came the hushed reply.

He Tian clicked his tongue. "Try _how_? I can't force myself to fall in love with you. I don't know what you're expecting."

The redhead looked up and swallowed. "I'm expecting you to be open towards us. I'm expecting you to give me a fucking _chance_ and not rule us out from the get-go. It's only been a week since you woke up, we gotta be patient, things don't happen over night."

He Tian folded his arms in front of his chest. His expression was hard and defensive.

"But I don't want to be patient!", he snarled. "I don't want to sit here all my life, waiting for my memory to come back, all the while _trying_ to fucking love you, when there's a whole world waiting for me out there."

Guanshan almost laughed at that. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I want to meet people. I want to make friends... and at some point, I guess I want to have sex, alright."

The redhead blinked. Sex? He Tian really thought about that of all things? What a fucking joke this was.  
He pursed his lips, stood up, one hand on his hip, the other hand rubbing over his chin in a mocking manner.

"Great, me too", he said, sneering. "Let's do it."

He Tian shot him a dismissive look and said nothing.

"...ah, yeah. Of course", Guanshan pointed a finger at him. "You want to have sex. Just not with me."

"I'm sorry—"

"Don't!", he interrupted him, brushing it off by waving his right hand. "You're everything _but_ sorry. You seem to forget that I know you inside out. I can still tell when you're lying."

He Tian bit his tongue and stepped back until he was leaning against the wall next to the nightstand.

"Fine, I'm not", he admitted. "What do you want me to do? Pretending to be someone I'm not?"

"But this _is_ you", Guanshan shouted desperately. "You and me together. Us. The real you. You've seen all the pictures, the videos... you've read the messages. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

He Tian let the back of his head hit the wall, hands behind his lower back. He slowly shook his head.

"I can't give you what you're looking for."

Guanshan's toes curled into the soft carpet underneath. He felt like throwing up, his heart hammering in his chest as if he'd just completed an hour-long workout session.  
Breathing with his mouth slightly open, he finally nodded and walked over to his side of the bed, gathering the pillow and his phone charger.  
Without another word he left their bedroom and went back to the living room, preparing to sleep the night on the couch.

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always: Thanks a lot for reading this chapter if you made it this far ♥


	6. Tell me something I don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, it took me forever to update and I'm so sorry, guys. You deserve better T_T  
> Thank you so much for all the ongoing love and interest you show me. Your feedback leaves me breathless every time ♥~  
> Now, enjoy this double-chapter (it's quite long) and I hope you're ready for some awkwardness ;)  
> Also - I had to up the rating for this fic now, haha  
> (And a big fat thanks to [crimsonleaf](https://crimsonleaf.tumblr.com/) for betareading!! ♥)

When He Tian woke up the next morning, it took him only seconds to remember where he was and what had happened the night before.  
Almost immediately, a sickening feeling started spreading in his stomach. The way things had played out were definitely not how he had imagined coming home and spending the first night back in his own bed.  
He remembered how Jian Yi had knocked on his open door soon after Guanshan had fled their bedroom. He had offered him help with the shower, too, and He Tian appreciated that he didn't mention their argument - which he was fairly certain the other two must've heard.

The blond had acted calm and considerate. He had wrapped his cast in a plastic bag and waited outside the half open bathroom door in case He Tian slipped or needed further help.  
It all went well.  
After he had gone to bed, he had tried not to think of Guanshan. Of how hurt the redhead had looked.  
He Tian had been angry the night before. But now he felt bad about his harsh choice of words. Maybe he should apologize?

Sighing and with an aching belly, he turned to get out of bed when he became aware of a little problem between his legs.  
Groaning in frustration, he let his head fall back onto the pillow.  
Ever since regaining consciousness in the hospital, he woke up with a boner every damn morning. And he hated it.  
So far, he'd simply waited until it was gone. However, by now, He Tian was considering to take care of that differently.  
He hadn't lied to Guanshan when he said he wanted sex.

He Tian was curious. He knew he had had sex in the past. He knew he liked it. Yet he couldn't think of a single sexual encounter, obviously. Also, he couldn't picture himself with another man. But when he saw ads of pretty girls in underwear or bikinis, he couldn't help but picture them in his mind. Bent over a table, countertop, the backrest of the couch or any surface really. And he'd stand behind them and—  
He hissed and closed his eyes, left arm lying across his face, while his right hand had already trailed down, slipping underneath the elastic waistband of his dark pyjama pants.

His chest was still aching and lifting his arms above shoulder level hurt, but it had gotten to the point - even without the pain medication - that the pain was manageable.  
In his mind, he pictured the cute anchor lady he saw on TV the other day when watching the news. He'd hardly paid any attention to what she had been saying. Instead his focus had been on her plunging neckline, the way her light gray blazer hugged her shoulders and that wide, open collar, revealing the soft curves of her collarbones. The two sides of the fabric met just above the point where he could guess her breasts were starting to plump up, the cleavage neither showing a piece of bra nor shirt underneath.

He Tian's head rolled to the side, breathing deep, nostrils flared.  
He took his arm away from his face and reached for the phone on the nightstand.  
He had been looking for porn before in his browser, but there were no bookmarks, no recently visited websites, nothing remotely raunchy in his search history.  
Could it actually be that his sex life with Guanshan had been so fulfilling that his past-self had no need to watch this sort of content?

That thought made him feel weird and he could feel himself going soft under his palm already.  
He Tian took his hand away and dropped the phone on his pillow.  
These thoughts were useless. Time to get up.  
He drew back the covers and slowly sat up, sliding his legs over the edge of the bed and carefully setting down his cast on the floor.

He Tian held onto the nightstand for support while getting his crutches, but then remembered something else and turned back around to face the bed.  
His gaze went to the two drawers underneath it and curiosity got the better of him, a few moments later he was half kneeling, half sitting on the carpet, inquisitively tugging on the drawer.

He was staring at the content for a good two minutes before finally reaching inside, fingers prying open the lid of one of three plastic boxes containing various toys. The boxes were see-through and not really big, but each seemed to have a certain theme going on.  
He Tian hesitated for a second before actually touching one of the vibrators, taking it out and turning it in his hand. He swallowed.  
That thing was big. And he hoped to God that it was clean as well.  
There was a faint smell of silicone, rubber and chemicals wafting from those boxes.

He put it back and glanced over the other items in that box. It was full of fake dicks in different shapes, sizes and colors.  
The second box contained mostly electronical toys and also beads and cock rings.  
He Tian accidentally turned one of the vibrating love eggs on and dropped it when that thing started buzzing in his hands. His alarmed gaze shot to the door and he hastily turned it off and stuffed it away.

The last box had a myriad of condoms, lubricants, handcuffs, some rope and blindfolds.  
He also found a whip behind the containers at the far end of the drawer. His first thought had associated it with horse-riding, but then he was overcome with the vague feeling that it was intended for people instead.

He Tian closed the drawer and leaned his elbow onto the mattress.  
So that was what they had been doing in bed? He was really into this sort of stuff? He Tian had a hard time believing that and somehow he felt embarrassed having seen all this stuff, knowing they had been using it on each other.  
Just then he couldn't help but wonder, who had been doing exactly what to whom. Was he the one in charge? Or was it Guanshan? Maybe they took turns?  
He Tian cringed and realized that he'd rather not know.

Groaning and with a lot of effort he managed to get up from the floor and left the bedroom at last.  
He went to the bathroom, trying not to make a lot of noise with his crutches, and used the toilet before heading towards the living room.  
Silently, carefully, he approached the couch and saw the redhead asleep on it.  
Guanshan lay on his side, a thin blanket only covering part of his body, his knees slightly drawn up and Roxy curled into a fluffy ball behind him, resting her head on his thigh.

She wagged her tail when He Tian stood behind the backrest but made no attempt to move or leave Guanshan's side.  
He Tian almost smiled then.

"So you've chosen him over me, hm?", he whispered but didn't sound mad, rather amused.

He Tian bent forward a little and lightly petted her head for a bit.  
He looked at Guanshan's sleeping face more closely and felt a pang of guilt when he realized how red and puffy the area around the eyes appeared.  
_That's all my fault_ , he thought and knew he definitely needed to apologize.  
Surely Roxy had sensed the mood between them and probably concluded that the redhead needed some comfort during the night.

He Tian exhaled quietly and wanted to move away to open the door to the garden and let Roxy out for her morning business. But it was then that Guanshan stirred and moved his legs.  
A muffled sound came from his throat and he pressed his nose into the pillow under his head, before slowly opening his eyes.  
He blinked a few times, staring at the TV set behind the coffee table, then his gaze shifted and he turned his head, staring at He Tian.

Guanshan's expression went from slightly confused to somewhat pained and He Tian could clearly see the flicker of hurt across his face.  
He Tian remained in his hunched over position, forearms leaned onto the backrest of the couch, but he averted his gaze. It was uncomfortable looking at the redhead and he was searching for the right words to start this conversation.

"I, erm...", He Tian started and realized his voice sounded off.

He cleared his throat and vaguely gestured around with his right hand.

"I wanted to apologize", he tried again. "For... what I said last night. It... well, it wasn't fair and uncalled for. I'm sorry."

Guanshan didn't say anything for a long time and eventually He Tian turned his head slightly to look at him again.  
The redhead stared at him, seemingly considering his apology.

"Okay", he finally said. And that was it. Just okay. Nothing more.

He Tian's brows furrowed. "Okay?"

"Yeah", Guanshan nodded. "Okay."

He drew back the thin blanket and set his feet onto the carpet, before leaning his elbows onto his naked thighs and rubbing over his face with both hands.

"You still up for going to the beach later?"

He Tian was surprised. He hadn't thought it'd be that easy. Somehow he had been expecting another scene, not quite like yesterday, but he was ready to accept any sort of complaints Guanshan might have wanted to throw at him.  
But there was none of that. Just a silent understanding and he had accepted his apology. On top of that, Guanshan even still wanted to take that trip with him.

 _He really must be madly in love_. The thought zapped through He Tian's mind like a lightning bolt. He swallowed and nodded, finally straightening himself up again.

"Yes", he said quietly and grabbed his crutches. "Why not."

He limped towards the patio and heard Roxy jumping off the couch. She came racing towards him, panting, paws sliding on the polished wooden floorboards.  
He Tian opened the door for her and out she went, exploring the garden all over again.

Meanwhile Guanshan stood in the kitchen, preparing their breakfast. He Tian came closer and couldn't help but think that he looked kind of sad, how he was making coffee there in nothing more than a tank top and boxer briefs.  
His eyes grazed over the redhead's body - his strong thighs, muscles clearly visible under taut skin, the dark underwear with the Tommy Hilfiger logo flashing up when Guanshan reached up to get some cups and his tank top slid up his side, revealing the waistband of said briefs.  
The black tank top hung lose from his torso, showing off his slightly muscular upper arms, both of them revealing numerous faint scars on the pale skin.  
He Tian wondered where those came from.

"You want scrambled eggs?" Guanshan asked and yawned as he opened the fridge.

"Sure", He Tian said before he paused and reluctantly offered: "Need some help?"

"Nah, it's fine."

He Tian shrugged and sat down by the counter, just watching him prepare everything.  
Twenty minutes later they were both sitting at the counter, eating breakfast and talking about nullities.  
Afterwards Guanshan cleaned up while he told He Tian to play with Roxy. With his crutches he'd be more of a hindrance than a help, the redhead had said.  
And so He Tian was sitting in the garden just before noon, throwing a ball for Roxy now and again, and occasionally feeding her treats which he had found in the kitchen.

Jian Yi and Zhengxi had been up since around 10am but were now getting ready for their date. They both had a day off and were planning to go to the movies and hit the city for some shopping and dinner. He Tian heard them getting ready in the living room, laughing and talking loudly.  
He got up from the wooden garden chair by the end of the patio, and slowly walked back inside.

"Tian!", Jian Yi shouted and zipped up his jacket. "You guys should get ready too, if you want to enjoy the beach, since Momo has to work later. And remember not to dress too lightly. The wind can be pretty strong by the ocean."

He Tian smiled. "Thanks for the reminder. Have fun, you two."

"Oh, we definitely will!"

Jian Yi hugged him and the redhead before heading towards the front door. Zhengxi grabbed one of the car keys from the bowl in the corridor and just waved them Goodbye.

"Later, guys."

They watched them leave and it suddenly went really quiet in the big house.  
Guanshan cleared his throat.

"So, you wanna get ready then?", he asked and eyed their dog, who sensed that something exciting was about to happen.

"Yeah, just let me get changed."

He Tian went into their bedroom and put on some appropriate clothing for a windy beach trip while Guanshan gathered a couple of toys, a harness and a leash for Roxy.  
When He Tian was ready, Guanshan went to get changed as well.  
Ten minutes later the both of them were sitting in He Tian's BMW, with an excited Roxy in the back.

"Is it very far?", He Tian asked, watching the busy streets as Guanshan drove them through the weekend traffic.

"About half an hour", the redhead replied. "Can you tell she's excited?"

He laughed quietly and cast Roxy a quick glance through the rearview mirror. She had one paw on the door, looking outside the window, panting happily and throwing her head around from time to time.

"It's been weeks since anyone took her there."

"I bet", He Tian mumbled and turned half around in his seat to give the dog a few strokes.

Soon they left the busy city center behind them and drove through the more quiet outskirts, followed by a long winded road through fields and meadows.  
Not long after, He Tian could see water at the horizon and the sparkling reflection caused by the midday sun.  
Guanshan parked the car at some nearly empty lot, directly where the sandy beach began. The water was still too cold for a long swim, so there were almost no people around.

He got out of the BMW and felt the sand crunching under his dark leather boots where the wind had blown it over the asphalt of the parking lot. When he opened the back, Roxy was already pawing the door impatiently, even barking twice.

"Alright, alright", the redhead said and unclasped her harness from the seats so she could jump out.

She immediately stormed off, sand spraying left and right as she raced towards the water.  
He Tian had gotten out as well and watched her running around, while he was holding onto the passenger door for support.  
Guanshan handed him the crutches and then gathered some things for Roxy. A leash - which he hung around his neck - a frisbee, a tennis ball and a bag with some dried salmon.  
He Tian walked a few steps to where the asphalt ended and the beach segment started. There he stopped and stared at the sand, cautiously poking it with one of the crutches. Great!

"Okay, let's go", Guanshan said, slamming the door shut and looking at He Tian. "What's wrong? Are you— Oh, crap!"

He came closer, pondering.

"Sorry, I didn't think about that", he admitted.

He Tian sighed. "Me neither. It's fine though. You go and play with her, I'll stay here and watch."

The redhead furrowed his brows. "No way!"

Without further ado he took He Tian's crutches away and gave him the frisbee and the ball.

"Here, hold these", he said and opened the car, tossing the crutches onto the backseats while He Tian tried to keep his balance.

Guanshan locked up once more and stuffed the keys and the treats into the pockets of his leather jacket. Turning back around, he reached behind his own back, pulling the waistband of his dark jeans up and took a sharp inhale through the nose.

"Alright, hold on tight", he said and slightly bent down to loop one arm behind He Tian's knees, while his other one was supporting his lower back.

He Tian's eyes widened. "Wait, what—?!"

In one swift motion, Guanshan picked him up bridal style and quickly adjusted his arms, so He Tian's weight was distributed more or less equally.  
He Tian was not happy. Surprised, he had dropped Roxy's toys into his lap and put both arms around the redhead's shoulders for support.  
His heart was racing, pulse picking up, breath shallow and fast.

"Put me the fuck down!", he demanded and glared at him, hands slightly shaking.

But Guanshan simply laughed and started walking, following Roxy towards the ocean.

"Consider this payback", he said, his grip around He Tian's body firm and secure. "When we were teenagers you'd pull shit like this constantly. Picking me up and touching me every chance you got."

He Tian looked down, biting his tongue. He couldn't imagine himself doing such a thing.

"But I can't remember any of that", he finally said. "So it's not really fair, is it?"

"You rather wanna hang around by the car on your own?"

Closing his eyes, He Tian bit back a reply and decided to let it go for now.  
No, he didn't want to hang around alone, because that sounded real boring.  
But being this close to Guanshan made him very aware of the other man's body. He could smell the expensive cologne the redhead was wearing. A spicey, leathery scent.  
He could feel the clasp of the dog leash digging into his thigh, where it was trapped between their bodies. He was far from oblivious of the hands holding him, gripping the hollow of one of his knees and the left side of his torso, just above the waist.  
He could hear Guanshan breathing through his nose, he could feel every step he was taking with his entire body.

When He Tian finally opened his eyes again, the other one's neckline was directly in front of him. He looked at the pale skin and saw the tiniest mole on the side of his jawline. Also, being this close gave him a chance to inspect some of the piercings on his ear a bit closer. There were three on Guanshan's left side. A black and silver stud in the earlobe and two silver rings on the outer shell towards the top.  
His gaze went back down to the dark t-shirt where he could clearly see defined collarbones under the thin fabric.  
Guanshan stopped walking and rolled his eyes to the side, looking at He Tian. He smirked.

"See something you like?"

He Tian's eyes shot up and he felt as if he got caught red-handed.

"As if", he mumbled and hoped he wasn't turning red from embarrassment. Why did Guanshan have to say something like that? He hated feeling teased.

"Relax", came the gentle reply. "I'm only joking. I know you need... time."

He set He Tian down onto the ground carefully and let him hold onto his arm for support.  
Roxy was playing in the wet sand a few meters in front of them. When she ran back towards them, He Tian threw the green tennis ball to his left side and they watched her racing after it to bring it back.  
The wind constantly blew his dark strands into his face and he kept pushing them away - to no avail.

"How did I use to handle my hair?", he asked, half serious, half joking.

Guanshan laughed through his nose. "You didn't use hairbands like Jian Yi, if you mean that. You either slicked it back or got a cut when it grew too long."

He Tian looked at him and wondered what kinds of memories went through the other one's head.

"But yeah, you've always been wearing it like that, with a fringe long enough to almost cover your eyes."

Roxy came back and dropped the wet ball into the sand in front of Guanshan before she sat down and looked at him expectantly.  
He moved He Tian's hand from his arm up to his shoulder, before bending forward and picking up the ball, throwing it again.

"Perhaps it's time for a change", He Tian mused.

Guanshan gave him a weird look and raised an eyebrow. "You want a new haircut?"

"Maybe", He Tian shrugged.

The redhead stifled a laugh. "Sorry, but I can't really picture you any other way. I'm used to this style ever since we met."

He Tian's grip on his shoulder tightened when he slightly hopped on his good leg, the cast from the other leg barely touching the sand.

"Did you ever wear your hair different than you have it now?"

Guanshan looked down and reached for He Tian's elbows. "Sit down", he said instead of an answer and helped He Tian to lower himself onto the ground.  
He settled next to him, their upper arms lightly rubbing against each other, their knees almost touching.

"Nah", he finally answered. "I always wore mine pretty short. You've probably seen the pictures on your phone from over the years."

He Tian looked straight ahead, watching the foamy waves wash over the wet sand, retracting slowly.

"I've seen them", he nodded. "But I never know how old each picture is without looking at the data from the file. It's hard to tell for me just like that. However, I've seen some where we all look pretty young... some kind of camping trip, I guess? Was that a class trip?"

"Oh ye, that... It was actually a picnic in the mountains..."

He Tian turned his head to look at the man next to him, his voice had changed. He suddenly looked sad.

"What's wrong? Did something happen back then?"

Guanshan avoided his gaze and looked to the side, dug his fingers into the slightly warm sand and grabbed a handful, before raising his hand and letting the grains run down slowly again.  
He Tian waited, still looking at him, eager to know the story behind those seemingly innocent pictures.

"That was in our last year of middle school", Guanshan finally said, voice barely loud enough for He Tian to hear over the constantly crushing waves.

"It was just the four of us though. Yi had tricked us both into coming along", a tiny smile tugged at the corner of his mouth when he remembered it. "But ye, it started out with the usual shenanigans. We almost ended up having no warm meal, but one of your brother's subordinates drove us there and he helped us out. After that we had quite a lot of fun actually. We found some kind of spring in the area and went for a bath, soon after we met an old farmer's lady and helped her with harvesting the crop in exchange for some drinks. But in the late afternoon it started raining and we wanted to get back and the forest floor was just so wet and muddy and—"

He Tian furrowed his brows. He could see the distress this memory was causing the other one. He absentmindedly stroked Roxy who had come back and had laid down on his left side.  
He wanted to ask again what had happened, but forced himself to hold back and let Guanshan tell the story in his own pace.  
The redhead cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

"Well, all of a sudden there was a landslide coming down on us and you must've sensed it sooner than the rest of us. You pushed me out of the way. When I turned around, there was just earth and mud and branches, shrubs and tree trunks even. But no sign of you. We were shouting, calling your name and digging through the wet earth, because we thought you might've been buried underneath. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. We eventually found you down the hill, injured but alive."

Guanshan wiped his sandy hand on his jeans and turned to look He Tian directly in the eye.

"In that moment—", he started and closed his mouth, breathing heavily through his nose, trying again. "When I saw you, I... I was just so relieved... I thought I had lost you, you know..."

He swallowed visibly, licking his dry lips. Then he looked straight ahead again, squinting due to the bright sun above the ocean.

"On that day I realized what you mean to me."

He Tian watched him and tried to read the various emotions on his face.  
That was an interesting story and he could see why it was important for Guanshan. Yet he felt no connection to it. It was like watching a movie or reading an article in a newspaper. He knew it was tragic and emotional for those involved, yet he didn't feel anything other than mild curiosity.

"So I saved the day, huh?", He Tian said in an attempt to lighten the mood. But Guanshan was dead serious.

"You saved _me_!", he said with a firm voice. "If you wouldn't have pushed me out of the way in time, I might've been hit by one of those trees. In the worst case scenario, I could've been dead or disabled for all I know."

He Tian gave him a skeptical look. "Don't be so dramatic."

Guanshan shrugged. "Fine", he mumbled. "It doesn't matter anyway. Since you can't remember it."

They were quiet for a while then, just listening to the sound of ocean waves and the squawking of the seagulls.  
He Tian stroked Roxy's warm, soft fur and enjoyed the way she was pressing into his side.  
After some time, Guanshan picked up the frisbee and that got her excited again.  
He stood up and threw it away, but a gust blew it towards the water - which didn't stop Roxy and she chased after it, ignoring the shouts of both men. She jumped into the waves and swam until she managed to snag the frisbee, which was floating on the surface.

When she returned, she was dripping wet and full of joy. 

"Oh no, Roxy", Guanshan said, sounding very alarmed. "Don't do it..."

She dropped the frisbee in front of them and started shaking out her wet fur, spreading water drops, fur and sand in all directions.  
He Tian and Guanshan protested and laughed.  
The golden retriever felt encouraged by their noises and happily jumped in He Tian's lap, who fell backwards into the sand, when she pawed at his chest.  
He laughed and winced at the same time, ribs hurting, a wet nose dragging over his face.

"Nooo, Roxy, stop... Off! Roxy—! Ahh, shit..."

"Come on, girl", Guanshan managed to grab her by the harness and dragged her off He Tian with gentle force. "Leave him be. That's right... sit! ...good girl!"

He Tian stayed on his back and looked up into the early afternoon sky. "Fuck", he mouthed breathlessly and rolled his head to the side. He saw Guanshan feeding Roxy one of the salmon treats, before he came closer and knelt down next to him. There was slight concern in his amber eyes.

"Are you alright?"

"Ye... ye, I'm okay."

"What about your ribs?"

"Just give me a minute."

The redhead nodded and reached for the tennis ball to toss it away for Roxy to chase.

"Nothing is friendlier than a wet dog", he said while raising up and brushing sand and fur from his clothes.

"You don't say..." He Tian chuckled and stretched out his right hand. "Alright, help me up."

There was a flicker of surprise on Guanshan's face, but he took He Tian's hand almost instantly, before moving behind him and shoving his other hand under his shoulder blade, pushing and pulling as gently as he could to bring him back into a sitting position.  
He Tian rubbed his aching chest carefully.

"Thanks", he murmured and coughed. "Was she always this boisterous?"

"Hmhm, pretty much", the redhead replied and turned around to look at some of the buildings in the distance, alongside the beach. "Hey, are you hungry? You want a snack or something? They're always selling some food over there, mostly desserts though."

He Tian turned his head as well but could barely tell the small buildings and stalls apart. They were too far away.

"I don't know... what do I like?" He barely had had anything sweet so far, so he wasn't sure if he even liked it.

But the redhead smirked at him, hands in his pockets. "You love cake and ice-cream", he said. "And waffles. Also all kinds of smoothies and sorbets."

He Tian sighed. "Well, surprise me then."

Guanshan started walking, then turned around after a few meters. "Don't leave", he said laughing, before moving on again.

"Very funny", He Tian shouted after him. The wind almost swallowed his words.

Roxy sat down next to him and he put an arm around her.  
He wondered why it suddenly felt so easy to talk to his boyfriend. It was almost like— no. They actually _were_ having fun! He Tian realized that he enjoyed himself and was glad he'd agreed to come here.  
But did that mean he had some deeper feelings for the other man?  
Not really. However, he started to like him as a friend. Now it didn't seem so far fetched anymore, that they hung out and stuck around each other ever since middle school. Once the redhead started to come out of his shell, he could be quite funny. Who would've thought?

When Guanshan came back several minutes later, he carried two cones. One was an ice-cream cone, holding 3 scoops of different colors, the other was a soft waffle, decorated with fruits, whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

"Your choice", the redhead said and offered He Tian both cones.

"Uhm..."

He Tian looked at them and couldn't decide. Roxy however, seemed to be more excited about the waffle with the whipped cream.

"Oh, that one?", he asked and looked at his dog. "You sure? Alright then."

Guanshan snorted and handed him the waffle, before sitting down in front of them. "Glad to see that some things never change", he said and gave the ice-cream a lick. "You still let her make decisions for you."

"Is that so?", He Tian wondered and ran his finger through the cream, then offered it to Roxy. Greedily she licked everything off and pawed his leg to signalize she wanted more.  
He stroked her and started eating. This was good. Very good actually. He Tian loved everything, especially the waffle itself.  
He finished it even before Guanshan had eaten all his ice-cream.

"Erm, you have some...", the redhead stopped eating and pointed at his face. "...some sauce on your cheek."

He Tian leaned away, brows furrowed, but his voice sounded rather amused: "Don't wipe it off for me. That'd be so cringy."

"You think?", Guanshan laughed. "Guess who used to be the master of cringe."

He Tian closed his eyes and started rubbing the napkin in which the cone had been served over his mouth and cheeks. "Okay, those are stories you can spare me please. This is the new me. Cringe-free and marvelous."

Guanshan didn't take his eyes off him. "You've always been marvelous."  
He Tian looked down and didn't reply.

They didn't stay much longer after the redhead had finished his snack and he was carrying He Tian back to the car the same way he had brought him here.  
He Tian didn't mind this time and just calmly held onto him until they were on solid ground again.  
The ride home was mostly quiet, but not awkward. Overall He Tian felt like he could relax more around the redhead now. At least he was definitely more comfortable in his presence.

"I need to get ready for work soon", Guanshan said, while giving Roxy's toys a quick wash in the kitchen sink. "It'll be a while before Yi and Zhengxi return, I guess. Do you need anything until then?"

"I'll be alright", He Tian said and got comfortable on the couch.

He had gathered some snacks on the small coffee table between the sofa and the TV and was planning to watch some movies until he passed out.  
He switched the big plasma screen on and struggled a bit at first to navigate through all the apps on the homescreen.  
Finally he settled on Baidu Video and started watching some movie trailers, while he heard Guanshan locking himself in the bathroom.

He Tian was about twenty minutes into _Chrysalis_ , when he heard the redhead getting ready to leave behind him. He lazily turned half around and watched him pocketing his phone and some keys.  
Guanshan walked out of the kitchen area and was standing indecisively between the hallway and the couch for a moment.

"Right", he said, sounding a bit lost. "I'll be going then."

He Tian turned around more, placing his cast up onto the cushions.

"Wait", he said, before he could stop himself, and Guanshan raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, uhm", He Tian started and wasn't sure how to put the things, which were on his mind, into words. "Guanshan!"

"W-what?"

"Let's be friends, okay?"

"...alright?"

He Tian took a deep breath, gestured around. "I mean, I need to get to know you better, right? How can you entertain the idea of us being partners when we're not even friends yet? So I'd say... let's become friends and then... well, then we'll see..."

It was quiet for a moment, but then He Tian heard the chuckle escaping the redhead's throat.  
He wasn't mad or sad or showed any other sort of negative emotion, like He Tian had dreaded. Instead, Guanshan was smiling.

"Yeah", he said at last, turning to leave. "Afterall, _we barely count as half-friends right now_ , right?"

He Tian furrowed his brows. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing", the redhead answered amused. "Don't worry about it. I'll see you in the morning."

"Right", He Tian mumbled and slumped back on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

A couple was being chased around a fairground in the movie. He heard the front door being slammed shut, soon followed by the faint sounds of a motorbike engine.  
He Tian's head rolled to the side, looking at the screen. He thought about rewinding the movie to catch up on what he had missed the last few minutes, but ultimately decided against it and just continued watching.

Two and a half horror movies later, He Tian had eaten an entire bag of chips, some popcorn, half a bar of chocolate and some crackers. He felt stuffed.  
Roxy was laying by his feet, smacking from time to time, hoping to get some more of those crackers.  
It was starting to get dark outside and He Tian felt tired, despite having lazied around all day.  
He switched off the TV and enjoyed the following silence in the big living room. He watched the trees and bushes in the garden, gently swaying in the wind and it made him yawn. He just wanted to rest his eyes for a bit.  
Minutes later, He Tian was asleep.

He woke up again when Roxy was jumping off the couch and noisily raced down the corridor.  
It took him a moment to realize where he was, but then he heard Zhengxi and Jian Yi stumbling inside, frolicking, greeting the dog and making their way into the kitchen.

"Water", Jian Yi moaned. "I need something cold."

"Haha, Roxy stop... no, off. Off! Good girl..."

He Tian sighed and rolled onto his back. He felt super tired and put an arm over his eyes, waiting for them to turn on the light.  
However the only light they switched on was the one in the kitchen and it barely reached the couch area.  
He Tian heard the fridge being opened. More laughter, some giggling. Their mood was definitely frisky. He almost laughed at that. Someone had had a fun date it seemed.  
Then again, his' and Guanshan's little beach trip hadn't been bad either.

"Hey hey, leave some for me. That's the only chilled bottle."

"Get it then, haha."

The next thing He Tian heard, were sounds of some kind of struggle, soon replaced by breathless, soft panting and tiny giggles.  
He visibly cringed upon hearing that and decided to just wait until they either moved this... -whatever they were doing- to their bedroom or decided to stop. He could always pretend to still be asleep until then and just save them all the awkwardness.

However He Tian had to realize soon, that his two friends seemingly had no intention to stop or leave.

"Mhh, Xixi... wait..."

Wet kissing noises, panting, content humming. He Tian's heartbeat picked up.

"Zhan Xixi! You can't possibly think about having sex right now?!"

"Why not? Seeing those two acting awkward around each other has made me more conscious of you than ever before."

"You can't be serious..."

It turned out that Zhengxi was indeed serious. He Tian could hear them kissing, could hear the rustling of clothes, which led him to assume they were stripping each other in the kitchen.  
_No fucking way... Nonononononono. NO!_  
His eyes went big, heart plummeting down into his suddenly aching belly. He Tian felt his scalp tingling, felt the heat in his cheeks when embarrassment washed over his entire body.  
They were about to...! And he was right here, just a few meters away from them, hidden behind the backrest of that ridiculously large couch.  
Fuck!  
He wanted to say something then, wanted to cough, wanted to shout, _Hey guys, I'm over here_ , - but he was too scared to move. It dawned on him that it was already way too late to barge in and he cursed himself for not greeting them right the second they had walked inside the house.  
He wanted to cover his ears, when slurping sounds and loud moans filled the air.  
More rustling, then-

"Hnn... turn around..."

"...b-but what... about... Tian...?"

He gritted his teeth when he heard his name. Jian Yi sounded out of breath. He Tian admired the blond for still having coherent thoughts at this point.

"It's late", he heard Zhengxi grinding out the words. He Tian wondered what kind of face the brunette was making in a situation like this. "He's probably asleep already."

If only!  
Zhengxi's statement seemed to be all the encouragement Jian Yi had needed, because the following silence was only interrupted by the blond's soft moaning and the random clatter of something that was swept off the kitchen counter.  
He Tian lay very still and tried to ignore the weird feeling in his stomach. His position on the couch became more and more uncomfortable, even if he knew it was probably only due to the fact that moving too much could give him away. Though the other two were probably too preoccupied to notice anything going on around them. Still - He Tian didn't want to risk anything and just decided to wait this one out.

"Are you ready?"

A desperate, choked sound was the only answer and just moments later the sound of skin slapping against skin was filling the air, making He Tian's cheeks feel even hotter. His fingers curled into the thin blanket he had draped over his body, his own breath going fast and shallow. Carefully he slid one hand between his legs to find he wasn't hard. Not even a little. He Tian wasn't sure if he should feel relieved or disappointed.

"Nhh, fuck, baby... you look so hot... god..."

"Ahh, mhh... Xixi... yes... right there... oh please... please..."

"Shh... don't... be so loud... he might... ahh, wake up..."

The moaning and rhythmic clapping made He Tian's skin crawl and he closed his eyes again, trying to block out the sounds and thinking of something else.  
It was no use. Jian Yi and Zhengxi were just too omnipresent. At some point, He Tian even thought he could _smell_ them, but he wasn't sure if that was just his imagination.  
He wanted to think that the following ten minutes were the most embarrassing of his entire life, but he couldn't be sure of that.

The moans, the gasping and groaning, the sounds of sex and their sweet-talking - all of that was cringy beyond anything He Tian could've ever imagined, but at some point it was finally over. Thank God.  
He listened to their labored breathing and soft chuckles.

"Right... I'll clean up, you go ahead and shower... I'll join you in a minute."

Kissing, naked footsteps on wooden floorboards, the tap from the sink running, the sound of someone wiping the counter and gathering clothes. More footsteps, a door clapped.  
He Tian waited until he could hear the shower and the bathroom door being opened and closed again.  
That was his chance.  
He got up from the couch, suppressing a moan, when his aching ribs shot waves of pain through his torso. Slowly He Tian grabbed his crutches and carefully limped back to his own bedroom, trying not to make enough sound for the other two to hear him.

A sigh of relief escaped his throat when he was finally back in his room, door securely closed behind him, nightlamp switched on.  
That had been awkward.  
He wondered if he'd take the knowledge of their little encounter with him to the grave, or if he'd tell them one day, when they were all older, having a drink and a good laugh. But who could tell what the future would hold.

He Tian felt tired. On one hand, he wanted to go to sleep immediately. On the other hand - he felt too much on edge. He knew he'd probably lay awake for hours to come now, despite yearning for some rest.  
Maybe... maybe he could take a look. Just a peek. One video or two.  
Having just witnessed what the other couple was like in the bedroom - or rather in the kitchen - had him wondering about the video folder again.

Moments later he was settled in bed, his heartbeat picking up once more, when he thought of what he was about to do. He couldn't deny it any longer. He was curious about him and Guanshan. About their previous sex life. Was it similar to Jian Yi and Zhengxi? He didn't see them but being able to hear was more than enough to fuel his fantasies.

He noticed that his hand was slightly trembling when he swiped around on his phone until he reached the image gallery. His thumb was hovering over the video folder, hesitating.  
But then he clicked on it and a myriad of videos started playing their loops of five-second-previews.  
Breath caught in his throat, eyes widening, nerve endings tingling, He Tian just stared.  
That was definitely him and the redhead. Naked, having sex, stripping, blowing each other...

"Wow...", he choked, barely more than a whisper. He swallowed.

He Tian clicked on the first video, presumably the most recent one.

"Hey... look up", he heard his own voice, while watching Guanshan on the screen, head bobbing in front of his crotch, before drawing back, revealing He Tian's entire length and staring up into the camera with lust hazed amber eyes.  
"Such a great mouth. How come you're so good at this?" His voice was teasing, as if he already knew the answer.  
"I had a good teacher."  
There was a chuckle and the redhead resumed his previous actions.

He Tian swiped the video away and clicked on the next one. His heart was hammering fast in his chest.

On the screen, he could see himself pushing into Guanshan, who was in front of him on all fours. Both of them were moaning, and he could hear himself calling the redhead all sorts of names, which really seemed to turn them on. One of his hands came forward, fingers curling into the short, red hair and pushing his head down onto the mattress.

He Tian gasped and looked away. His ears were burning.  
He took a few shaky breaths and watched a handful more videos, before going back to his homescreen.  
There was a strange sensation within him, that made him want to touch himself, yet he still wasn't hard from watching his own porn.  
Gulping he opened the internet browser and searched around for a while, before he was able to find a video of some young women showing off the new summer trends in swimwear.

He Tian watched them walking around the studio, posing in different models of bikinis and bathing suits.  
And that was when he felt himself reacting to what he saw.  
Softly breathing through his mouth, he pushed the blanket out of his lap and tugged down the elastic waistband of his track pants, together with his underwear, freeing his half hard cock.  
He wrapped his long fingers around it and started stroking slowly.

A moan escaped his mouth and he quickly bit his lower lip in fear of becoming too loud. He didn't want his friends to hear him.  
His eyes followed the ladies on the little phone screen, before he closed them, various scenarios playing in his head. His movements became faster, more rapid. He knew he wouldn't last long. He wasn't trying to hold out anyway. So close...

"Tian?"

It took him two, maybe three seconds to realize what had just happened.  
His eyes opened halfway, his wrist slowing down, but not stopping. The door was open. Why was it open? Guanshan was standing there, staring at him with an unbelieving expression.  
He Tian froze.  
His heart skipped a beat and his eyes opened wide in shock.  
He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. And Guanshan wasn't moving either.

He Tian was mortified.

Slowly he took his hand away and snapped the waistband back in place. He looked down and turned off his cell phone, then methodically draped the blanket over himself, turned to the side and switched off the nightlamp, proceeded to lay down, facing away from the redhead.  
He Tian's cheeks were burning with shame, heart beating like crazy, adrenaline rushing through his whole body.

"I— I'm sorry, I just... I wanted to get some clothes and...", Guanshan stuttered, seeming just as embarrassed as him.

He Tian squeezed his eyes shut. _Please go away. Please just leave. Please, please, please._

He heard Guanshan stepping closer and flinched when he was expecting the other man to touch him.  
But Guanshan just opened the wardrobe and he could hear him rummaging through the clothes in the semi darkness. The only light came from the corridor outside.  
The wardrobe was closed.

"I'm sorry, Tian. Really."

He didn't answer, jaw clenched, body tense.  
The door clapped and he was left alone in the darkness.

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, ye, told you it was long ^^;  
> Thank you soooo, so much for reading it, if you made it this far and didn't fall asleep, haha.  
> Special thanks to [Belly](https://bellona-owl.tumblr.com/) \- your neverending support means so much to me T_T ♥


	7. My faith is shaken, but I still believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I'm repeating myself, but your neverending support and love means so much to me, guys. THANK YOU! You're warming my heart, really.  
> Thank you [belly](https://bellona-owl.tumblr.com/) and [mopillow](https://mopillow.tumblr.com/) for your help ♥  
> Thanks a million to [crimsonleaf](https://crimsonleaf.tumblr.com/) for the beta! (What would I do without you? T_T )  
> Oh and there's another fanart-surprise for you waiting in this chapter ;) I hope you enjoy~

Guanshan woke up to the sound of the coffee machine. He turned over onto his back and yawned, trying to untangle his feet from the thin throw he used as a blanket.  
The sofa was quite comfortable, but he missed sleeping in his bed. Or rather - he missed sleeping next to He Tian.  
But after he accidentally walked in on him last night, sleeping in the same bed would surely be off the table for a long time to come. Guanshan hadn't meant to interrupt He Tian's... _quality time_. It had been long after midnight, the house had been quiet, he had thought everyone was asleep, so he didn't turn on the light and just quietly wanted to grab some clothes.

However after about two weeks of not being able to _do_ anything, seeing his boyfriend like this had left him wanting. Guanshan longed for He Tian's touch, longed for his affection, he missed his usual clinginess, which he had oftentimes found annoying and overwhelming.  
He just wanted him back.

Sighing deeply the redhead finally forced himself to get up when he heard Jian Yi and Zhengxi talking in the kitchen.  
He joined them for a light breakfast, eyes constantly darting down the hallway, watching his' and He Tian's bedroom door. But the dark-haired man wasn't showing up.  
At last, Guanshan took a spare cup and poured some coffee into it, taking it to their bedroom.  
He knocked.

"Tian?"

No answer.  
He knocked again. Waited.  
After about half a minute of silence, Guanshan finally pressed down the handle and opened the door a little bit.

"Tian, I'm coming in now."

He waited another few seconds, then pushed the door open fully and entered the room.  
He Tian was lying in bed, on his side, facing away from him.  
The redhead closed the door and came closer. He put the coffee cup onto the nightstand and sat down on the edge of the bed, behind the other one's legs.  
He could sense that He Tian wasn't asleep.

"Are you mad at me?", he started, trying to sound as normal as possible. "I didn't mean to walk in on you like that. I thought everyone was asleep."

No response. Not even a sigh or a huff.  
Guanshan stared down at his naked feet. _I need to cut my toenails_ , he thought and wiggled his toes up and down. The ones next to the big toes were the longest. He was the only one out of the four of them who had this trait.  
His hands bunched the sheets where he had pressed them to the edges of the mattress.

"Come on", he tried again. "You can't pout all day. We all know it's a natural thing, I was just surprised, that's all. You and me are fully grown adults of the same age. We shouldn't even have this conversation."

He Tian lay still and didn't respond. Guanshan could feel himself getting annoyed. He Tian was acting childish and they both knew it.  
A scratch on the door disrupted the silence.  
The redhead got up and opened the door to let Roxy in. Perfect. Maybe she would be able to lighten the mood.  
The dog jumped onto the bed and scurried closer to He Tian's face, her wet nose digging along the blanket, tail wagging with excitement.  
Guanshan let go of the door handle and smiled when he could hear a muffled sound of protest from He Tian who tried to stop Roxy from licking his face.  
Only moments later, he was hugging her, his face buried in the soft, long fur of her neck.

"Get up and get dressed if you want breakfast", Guanshan said, unable to hide the smile in his voice. "There's coffee on your nightstand."

He returned to the kitchen, wondering how this fluffy ball of fur could change the mood of everyone living here for the better in just a few seconds. Dogs had to be magical creatures.

About ten minutes later He Tian finally entered the kitchen, his fringe still wet from washing his face.

"Sit down", Guanshan said and put a plate in the microwave, covering it and its contents with a plastic cap. He set the timer to one minute. "I'll reheat it for you, since it's gotten cold now."

Jian Yi walked in from the hallway before leaning against the counter with one arm and lifting his right leg behind him, his free hand adjusting the back of his sneaker around the heel.  
Guanshan turned around just in time to see He Tian blushing ever so slightly and looking away. What was up with that? He shot a questioning look to his blond friend, but Jian Yi just shrugged and raised his eyebrows.

"Well, Xixi and I are leaving for a quick shop now", he said to He Tian. "You need anything from the supermarket? Is there certain stuff you want to eat? ...or try?"

He Tian looked back at him and slowly shook his head. "I'm good. But thanks."

The microwave gave a loud _ting_ and stopped rotating the plate.

"Right, then we're off. See you guys in a bit."

"Later", Guanshan said and placed the hot plate with reheated breakfast in front of He Tian on the glass table. "What you wanna drink? More coffee?"

He Tian grabbed a fork and inspected the sausages, cut and fried into little octopi.

"I think I'd like some juice", he answered, sounding not entirely sure, but Guanshan nodded and went to the fridge to pour him a glass of guava juice.

"Here", he put it on a coaster, next to He Tian's plate. "You drank this almost every day."

The clattering sound from the fork made Guanshan jump, as He Tian let it fall onto the plate and slumped back in his chair. The redhead could see that there was something bothering his friend and he had the faint idea it had to do with last night.

"Listen", He Tian finally spoke up, not lifting his gaze from a spot on the table. "About yesterday..."

Bingo.

"Yes?", he replied, trying to sound calm and friendly.

He Tian took a deep breath, eyes still fixed on his plate. "I was watching the videos."

"Yeah?"

"You know... _those_ videos..."

"...OH! ...damn. Okay..."

Guanshan pulled the chair opposite from He Tian out from under the table and sat down. This promised to be interesting. He had thought about their bedroom videos on He Tian's phone before and had wondered if He Tian had watched them or not.  
Guanshan had never been bothered by his boyfriend recording them, but he had hardly done it himself. Now he regretted that. He would've loved to ask He Tian for the videos, to copy them onto his own phone or laptop, but that surely would've been inappropriate. Asking someone with memory loss to share their former personal porn videos? Yeah, better leave it alone.

He Tian put both hands into his lap, his fringe covering his eyes. "I didn't want to look at them before, because— well, it doesn't matter, but I did yesterday and... there was nothing."

"You mean, you still can't remember?", Guanshan asked with a slight frown.

"No!", He Tian said immediately. "I mean, yes, but that's not the point. What I'm trying to say is..."

He took another deep breath. "There was no reaction, okay? I-I didn't get hard. But later, when I watched those girls..."

"I see", Guanshan replied. He felt weird and didn't know what else to say.

Finally, He Tian looked up and met his gaze. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm gay."

Surprised, the redhead raised an eyebrow. "Nobody ever said you are."

"Ye, but...", He Tian trailed off and looked to the side. "I don't know..."

With a sigh Guanshan got up and pushed the chair back under the table. His hands remained on the backrest for a while longer.

"He Tian", he said, his voice stern and serious. "You might've not been gay - if that's so important to you now. But I know for a fact that you loved me. You loved me so much that it was actually suffocating in the beginning."

The other one turned his head and stared back at him. "Are you serious?", he whispered.

Guanshan leaned forward until they were both at the same eye level. "Dead serious", he confirmed. "As time went on, I learned to just roll with it. And at some point I was able to return those feelings... I still do."

He Tian pressed his lips together and grabbed the fork once more. He stabbed one of the little octopi almost aggressively and shoved it into his mouth. He chewed and swallowed. Then he reached for the juice and drank half the glass with big gulps.  
With a suppressed hiccup, he sat it back down.

"Alright", he breathed, letting go of the glass and taking up his fork again. "Let's talk about something else, please?"

Guanshan felt his heart wrench in his chest. This wasn't good. How was he supposed to make He Tian fall for him again if his memories wouldn't return? By the look of things, He Tian wasn't interested in him in the slightest. At least not sexually. Why did He Tian feel such a strong attraction to him when they first met in school? What had been different back then compared to now? Guanshan failed to make sense of it.  
He straightened back up and let go of the chair.

"Sure", he replied and faked nonchalance. "What you wanna talk about instead?"

He Tian stuffed sausages, dumplings and youtiao in his mouth. He looked around while chewing. His gaze fell on Roxy, laying in the doorway, eyeing the last one of his octopus sausages.

"Ah", he said as if remembering something. He picked up the sausage and waved it in Roxy's direction. She came to him immediately and took the treat.

"Why does she have so many baskets around the house?", He Tian asked and looked back to Guanshan. "I think I've counted four so far."

The redhead snorted and took He Tian's empty plate. "Because she's spoiled rotten? You always insisted that she told you she wanted more."

He Tian blinked and gave him a weird look. "I said that?"

"Yep!"

"I have a hard time believing that."

When Jian Yi and Zhengxi returned an hour later, they all spent the rest of the Sunday watching movies together, cooking dinner and playing with Roxy in the garden.  
As it started to get dark, He Tian went to bed, saying he felt exhausted. The other three didn't stay up much longer, either, since all of them had work in the morning.

Guanshan lay on the couch in the dark, listening to Roxy's even breathing by his feet.  
He couldn't sleep despite feeling tired.  
After tossing and turning for a while, Roxy finally got up and left him to sleep in one of her own baskets. Guanshan sighed.  
At last, he got up as well and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. He filled a glass with some cold water from the tap and drank it slowly while staring out into the garden, barely able to make out any shapes in the dark.  
He placed the empty glass in the sink and made his way down the hallway, heading towards the bathroom.

When he walked past He Tian's bedroom, Guanshan froze. There was a strange sound coming from behind the door. Like moaning or muffled whimpers.  
Was He Tian masturbating again?  
Without even realizing it, Guanshan's right hand moved between his legs, palming his crotch. He leaned against the wall, next to the door, eyes falling shut and his hand putting more pressure on his growing hard-on through his sweatpants. He bit his lower lip to stop himself from making any sound. Somewhere in the back of his sleepy mind, he knew he shouldn't be doing this. It was morally wrong. But there was another moan, louder this time, and he just couldn't help himself.

After a few moments, Guanshan paused and furrowed his eyebrows. Those noises... they didn't sound exactly pleasurable, more like... He Tian was in pain?  
Without hesitation, Guanshan pushed away from the wall and reached for the handle, quickly opening the door.

"Tian?", he asked, standing in the doorway, his eyes trying to adjust to the darkness inside the room.

No phone screen illuminated the area around the bed, but he could hear He Tian rustling in the sheets, moaning and breathing heavily.

"...mhhmnn... no..."

Guanshan stepped closer, putting his hand on the other one's shoulder, shaking it gently.

"Tian? Tian, wake up, it's just a bad dream."

He shook him harder. He Tian turned around, letting out a choked gasp, but still showing no sign of waking up.

"Hey!", Guanshan said louder now, setting one knee on the edge of the bed to lean over him. "Come on, Tian... it's me, Shan..."

The punch came sudden and unexpected. Guanshan's head was forced sideways, his jaw exploding with pain. He cursed under his breath and blindly tried to get a hold of He Tian's wrists.

"Fucking hell, He Tian... it's ME alright?! Wake up!!"

Guanshan crawled onto the bed, straddling He Tian's hips, careful to avoid putting any pressure on the cast. He managed to grab one arm and leaned forward, shifting his full weight on the other man.  
He Tian was breathing heavy. They were struggling. Finally, as a last resort, Guanshan struck out and slapped him across the face, hoping it was hard enough to wake him up, but still light enough to not hurt for long and to hopefully not leave a bruise. His own jaw was stinging.

"He Tian!!"

"W-what...?", He Tian's voice was low and he sounded disoriented: his tense body suddenly going limp. He stopped fighting.  
Guanshan let out a sigh of relief.

"For fuck's sake", he breathed, letting go of He Tian and slumping down on the bed next to him.

He Tian was shaking, his naked upper body covered in sweat. He sat up and looked at Guanshan in the dark. "I... I dreamed..."

"I know", the redhead replied softly. He really couldn't be mad at him for the hit. It hadn't been He Tian's fault. Instead he felt the strong urge to hug his boyfriend, to comfort him. But He Tian wouldn't allow that. Or would he?

Slowly, carefully, Guanshan reached out, ignoring the pain. He touched He Tian's shoulder.  
The response was immediate and fierce.  
He Tian's body rushed forward, his arms wrapping around the redhead's torso, face buried in the crook of his neck.  
Guanshan's eyes went big, his mouth falling open in surprise. Was it his turn to dream now? He Tian was hugging him and he could hardly believe it. Guanshan's mind was racing. That dream must've been horrible if it had He Tian acting like this.  
A second later, he reciprocated the hug, one arm around He Tian's waist, the other hand on top of his head, fingers threading into the dark strands.

"You're alright", he murmured. "It was only a dream... you're safe here."

  
  
_(Amazing fanart by[Bisho](https://bisho-s.tumblr.com/post/626550717169156096/commission-for-19elaine-bassed-on-her-fanfic)! Thank you so much! You can also find her on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/bishos.art/) and [redbubble](https://www.redbubble.com/es/people/Bisho-s/shop))_   


He could feel He Tian's frantic heartbeat against his own chest, his skin sticky from cold sweat. He Tian's body shook against him, slightly, and he felt so incredible alive in his arms, it could almost fool Guanshan into thinking they were back to their old selves. Almost.  
They stayed like this for a long moment until He Tian started to calm down. His breathing was even again and the shivers had stopped.  
He hadn't loosened the hug yet, but mumbled: "This doesn't change anything..."

Guanshan closed his eyes and sighed. "Okay."

Hearing that He Tian felt the need to make such a statement hurt. His jaw was throbbing with pain. Yet Guanshan tried to enjoy the embrace as long as He Tian would allow it to last.  
When they finally parted after several minutes, He Tian took a deep, shaky breath and scooted backwards until he could rest against the headboard.

"Can you remember the dream?", Guanshan asked. He was curious. He Tian had not been able to remember anything so far and hadn't talked about dreaming either.

He Tian nodded and pushed his damp fringe out of his face. "Yes...", he started. "It was weird... I can't remember everything clearly, but I was in the body of a child, I think. There was a lot of water and an explosion... I think a boat exploded or something like that. And I was drowning. Maybe? I'm not sure... there was just water around me, I couldn't breathe and I tried to get to the surface... But that doesn't make sense, right? I haven't seen anything like it in a movie and people usually dream about things related to what happened during the day... or not?"

Guanshan held his breath.

"Tian", he hissed, grabbing his hand and giving it a light squeeze. "That wasn't a dream. That was a memory!"

"What?!" He Tian leaned to the side to switch on the nightlamp.

Guanshan squinted his eyes at the sudden brightness. He Tian looked at him and gasped.

"What happened?", he asked and pointed to Guanshan's face, where a red-purple bruise must've started to form already.

The redhead touched the aching spot carefully before letting his hand sink again, smiling weakly. "You still throw a pretty nice left hook."

He Tian gaped. "I did that?! Fuck, I'm sorry, I didn't know—"

"Tian", Guanshan raised a hand and shook his head. "It's alright. Wasn't your fault. It's your instincts kicking in, muscle memory and all..."

"Muscle memory?", he echoed. "So I'm a boxer?"

Guanshan laughed quietly. "No, not really. But you were trained by your brother from a very young age. Hasn't he talked about your childhood with you yet?"

He Tian denied and the other one sighed. "Well, you should talk to him. Also, about the dream. _Especially_ about the dream. Since, like I said, it's an actual memory from when you were a kid. It all started, when you and him were going camping and— fuck! Sorry, it's really not my place to tell you. You should call him tomorrow."

They were quiet for a while and when He Tian finally spoke up again, it sounded oddly loud in that small room. "But why would I remember that? My childhood... that was an awfully long time ago. It just seems so random to remember something like that."

Guanshan shrugged. "Not really", he explained vaguely. "It was a traumatizing event for you. You sometimes had nightmares about it even up into your late teenage years. Just like tonight."

"I see", He Tian murmured and wiped a hand across his face. He looked tired. "So does that mean I will start remembering more things from now on?"

"I honestly don't know", Guanshan replied and looked at him with a somewhat pained expression. "But I really hope so."

There was another long moment of silence. Though, surprisingly enough, it didn't feel that awkward. Guanshan cleared his throat and scooted off the bed.

"Alright. You should try and go back to sleep", he said. "I was only gonna use the bathroom, when I walked past and heard you—"

He was about to get up when he felt a hand around his left wrist. His eyes looked down, then up into He Tian's face, a questioning look on his face.

"Can you", He Tian swallowed and loosened the grip but didn't let go completely. "I mean, only if it's okay for you, but... can you sleep here tonight? Please?"

"Only for tonight?", Guanshan asked in a reproachful tone before he could hold himself back. Fuck! That came out the wrong way. He Tian withdrew his hand and Guanshan closed his eyes.

"Sorry", he mumbled and pinched the back of his nose. "I didn't mean it like that."

He Tian remained silent and the redhead stood up. "It's just... hard for me to accept these new living conditions. I'm used to sleeping next to you for so many years now and I guess I'm pretty selfish after all and I just want to be near you and... yeah..."

He got more and more quiet while talking, the rest barely a whisper.  
He Tian sighed.

"It's probably not fair to keep you out of your own bed", he admitted and scratched his head before drawing the blanket closer around himself.

"No, I get it", Guanshan said hurriedly. "It's probably awkward for you. I can only imagine how uncomfortable you must feel."

The other one shrugged. "It's actually getting better day by day... Hey. If you want to sleep here, then go ahead, just... just..."

"Stay on my side of the bed", Guanshan finished for him and nodded. "I get it."

A tiny smile tugged on the corner of his mouth when he walked towards the open door, then turned around for a moment. "And don't worry. I will", he promised. "Just let me get my things."

Guanshan went to the bathroom and afterwards back into the living room, gathering his phone and his pillow. He whistled for Roxy, who jumped out of her basket immediately to follow him into the bedroom.  
He closed the door behind them and the dog hopped onto the bed. While Guanshan got comfortable, He Tian petted Roxy who was clearly overjoyed to have her favorite humans back together in one bed.

~

The following two weeks were mainly circling around He Tian settling back in and the other three men getting back into their daily routine with work, friends and freetime.  
He Tian had been looking into his old job too, checking if he could make any sense of the data and information he had been given before. He had told Guanshan that it was confusing, even though he had a vague idea how to go about it. Lucky for He Tian, his boss was very understanding towards his situation and had told him to take a few more weeks off. They had a temporary replacement for him right now at the company anyway.

Besides that, He Cheng had been visiting them a few times, patiently answering any questions his little brother had had. About the nightmare, about his childhood, about their relationship, about his family and their business.  
Guanshan had been there during those visits: not talking much, just providing company and filling in minor gaps.

Also the closed court hearing was finally taking place and Guanshan drove He Tian there, since his attendance was mandatory, now that he was no longer in a coma.  
The redhead hadn't been allowed inside the courtroom, but he was waiting for He Tian outside.  
It didn't take long. The evidence was clear, there were enough witnesses and the accused pled guilty. He was sentenced to six months in jail for bodily injury caused by negligence.

He Tian looked tired when he left the room alongside some other people.  
Guanshan looked up from his phone and stuffed it back into his pocket as he saw him slowly approaching on his crutches.

"Hey, are you okay?", he asked, concern all too present in his voice. "And how did it go?"

He Tian nodded once. "Ye, I'm alright. It's just a headache", he said and licked his dry lips. "He got six months."

"Six months?", Guanshan echoed and furrowed his brows. "That's nothing. Considering everything you're going through."

"No, it's alright", He Tian sighed. "I don't really care for any sort of punishment anyway. I won't even press for pain and suffering either. My body will heal and he's not a bad person. It's not like he wanted to hurt me. You should've seen him. He apologized several times and cried the entire time... I just wish I had my memories back already. That's my only regret."

Guanshan looked at him and didn't know what to say. If it had been the other way around, if Guanshan had been hurt in an accident and had lost his memory... he knew that He Tian wouldn't rest until justice was brought upon the perpetrator. Not justice by public law. Justice according to his own world.

He Tian's gaze was fixed on something outside the window, behind Guanshan. "Take me home", he said quietly. "I want to lie down. My headache is getting worse..."

Back at their house He Tian lay down on the sofa with a wet cloth on his forehead and Roxy in his lap. Guanshan put a glass of water and some pills on the coffee table and got ready for work.

"Do you need anything else?", he asked from the hallway while putting on his shoes. "I won't be back until midnight, I think."

"No", came the weak reply from the couch and Guanshan saw a hand waving from behind the backrest. "I'll be fine. Don't worry about it."

"Alright, I'll see you in the morning then. I'll try not to wake you when I get back."

"Go! Or you'll be late."

Guanshan laughed quietly and left the house.

During work he felt a massive headache approaching and wondered if it was a coincidence or if him and He Tian had been exposed to something which might have caused this.  
At some point it got so bad, that Chef Kam sent him home an hour early.

"You're lacking concentration and you might hurt yourself", the man had said. "I can't risk that happening. Come back tomorrow, well rested and with a zest for action as per usual."

And thus, Guanshan was back home at around 11pm. His head was killing him. A throbbing, dull pain in the front, right behind the forehead.

"Hello?", he asked quietly when he saw the light in the living room was on.

Jian Yi's head popped up from behind the sofa. "Momo", he chirped and put his magazine down. "You're back early."

"Ye... I was sent home."

"No shit", Jian Yi took off his reading glasses. "You look awful. What happened to you?"

"It's this massive headache. Where are the painkillers?"

"Second drawer", the blond answered and got up, following him into the kitchen. "How weird. He Tian was complaining about his headache too. He went to bed a couple hours ago. I hope he was able to fall asleep."

Guanshan ripped open the drawer below the one with the cutlery and rummaged through its various odds and ends until he found a silver blister pack with two pills left in it.  
He popped them out and tossed them into his mouth before leaning over the sink and drinking a few mouthfuls of water directly from the tap.  
Jian Yi looked at him with a mixture of worry and amusement.

"You should head to bed too", he said and hooked his glasses into the neckline of his shirt.

Guanshan nodded and wiped over his wet lips with the back of his right hand. "Where's Xixi?", he asked, eyes quickly scanning the living room.

"Bath", Jian Yi answered shortly and started pushing him towards the corridor with their bedrooms. "Come on now. Get some rest and let those pills take action."

The redhead didn't complain and quietly entered his and He Tian's bedroom. He didn't turn on the light and didn't even change his clothes, just slipped out of his jeans and socks and crawled under the covers.  
He Tian's regular breathing suggested that he was asleep. Guanshan shifted to get more comfortable and closed his eyes. Lying down already felt better for his aching head.  
Minutes later, he drifted into a light, dreamless sleep.

The next time Guanshan woke up, it was still dark. He noticed that his headache was gone, however he felt slightly dizzy and still so sleepy.  
With a sigh he turned on his left side and stretched his arms. His hands came into contact with warm skin. Not really thinking about it, he scooted closer and wrapped one arm around the body next to him.  
He Tian responded only seconds later, a low hum escaping his throat. He leaned into Guanshan's embrace, his hands resting against his chest.

The redhead took a deep breath, inhaling He Tian's scent. His hair still smelled like the herbal shampoo he had been using and Guanshan buried his nose in it while his hand glided over He Tian's naked back, feeling the strong muscles under taut skin.  
He Tian was touching his neck, his fingertips moving down slowly, exploring the valleys above his collarbones.

Eventually their lips found each other, gentle pressure on tender flesh. Guanshan's tongue traced the seam of He Tian's lips, making him moan ever so softly.  
When he opened his mouth at last, Guanshan's tongue pushed past his lips, seeking the heat and the wetness of the other one's tongue.  
They were rubbing against each other in a sluggish, lewd fashion before Guanshan reached for the back of He Tian's head, nails lightly grazing over his scalp, fingers entangled in those silky, dark strands. With gentle force he pressed his head closer to his face, kissing him harder.  
He slid his knee between He Tian's thighs. The other one gasped into his mouth and cupped his face with both hands.

Somewhere in the back of his foggy mind Guanshan thought, _it had been a dream. Those last few weeks had just been one long-ass nightmare._  
And now it was finally over.  
All of this felt so familiar. Everything was warm and comforting - their breath, their body heat, the feeling in Guanshan's stomach.

"Mmhh... I missed you so much..."

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm yeah... next chapter will drop a massive bomb. (The last one, promise!) Be ready :P  
>  ~~Also guys, I have no idea how court cases are handled in china and couldn't find any information online, so I simply went by German law. Sorry v.v~~  
>  PS: I know some of you wanted a scene with Cheng - don't worry. It'll happen ;)


	8. I wish that I was good enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you [belly](https://bellona-owl.tumblr.com/) and [crimsonleaf](https://crimsonleaf.tumblr.com/) for your help and the beta!  
> And thank you [tracey](https://twitter.com/teanshan) for your kindness and generosity! (You'll find some amazing artwork by her towards the end of this chapter)  
> Well then, I hope you guys enjoy reading this. Depending on your mood, you might need a drink or some tissues ^^°  
> Oh, and here's some [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtlgYxa6BMU) if you want~

He Tian was floating.  
He didn't know where or why or even how. But none of that mattered anyway. Everything around him was warm and pleasant - a calming, languorous feeling.  
He felt somebody else beside him and welcomed the arm around his body and being dragged closer. There was a sense of security in that touch and He Tian leaned in, wanting to feel more of that comforting warmth.

His fingertips touched soft fabric and smooth skin. There was a faint smell of almost evaporated cologne mixed with spices and something else he couldn't define. But that other something was familiar - just like the heat and the touch on his back - and he knew he yearned for it like there was no tomorrow.  
Drowsy and lightheaded he didn't think much of it when soft lips pressed onto his mouth. In fact, it was only natural, the next logical step. He Tian opened his mouth, welcoming the other one's tongue, circling around it with his own, letting it tease him.

He hummed in approval, curling even closer to the other body, a moan escaping his throat every now and again. When a leg parted his knees, he couldn't help but eagerly push his hips forward, pressing himself against that other thigh.  
Nails scraped over his scalp, drawing him in, the kiss getting deeper and more heated. He was licking, biting, sucking, bruising those lips. His hands reached up, cupping the other one's face.  
He Tian breathed through his nose, heart hammering wildly in his chest. The line between being asleep and awake forever blurred.

He put his weight forward, half scrambling on top of the other person, pressing them into the mattress. His fingers trailed down again, noticing that the long-sleeved shirt was still there and it was definitely in the way. He went for the hem, started to push it up and was greeted by smooth, well-known skin, which seemed to respond so well to his touch.  
He Tian realized that - for some reason - he had really missed this. It was as if his body was moving on its own, doing what it was supposed to do. A dance, a rhythm, done a thousand times, familiar and reassuring, yet still exciting as if new.  
An incredible feeling deep inside of him, when—

"Mmhh... I missed you so much..."

That voice. He Tian opened his eyes, slowly, confused. He blinked.

"Wh-what?", he croaked, pausing all his movements, each heavy breath making his chest visibly rise and fall.

"Tian...", someone chased after his lips, a head lifting from the sheets, a mouth briefly colliding with his lips.

What was going on?

Dazed and not being able to shake that overwhelming feeling of tiredness, he tried to move away, his hands pushing against the other one's chest.  
The hands on his back didn't move, the arms holding him tightened around his body.

"Tian, please", the voice sounded desperate, pleading. "Don't leave me."

"Guanshan", he gasped, suddenly becoming aware of his surroundings.

His heart dropped to his stomach and a cold shiver ran down his spine. His scalp felt tingly, the area around his nose went numb, throat tight. He Tian could feel his jaw cramping, saliva pooling in his mouth, waves of hot and cold washing over his entire body.  
He felt sick. Ready to throw up.

"No!", he started struggling in Guanshan's tight embrace, panic rising within him. "Let me go!"

The arms around him loosened, hands sliding off his back. A choked sob in the dark, the chest underneath him jerking with the sound.  
He Tian hurriedly crawled away, cursing under his breath when he hurt his leg and finally leaning over the edge of the bed to reach for the switch of the nightlamp.  
He squinted his eyes and waited a few seconds before turning around, staring at the redhead lying in the middle of their bed.  
Guanshan had one arm draped across his face, hiding his eyes, his other hand attempting to pull down the shirt to cover his exposed chest and belly.

He Tian had to close his eyes for a moment, willing away that sickening feeling of nausea.  
Guanshan moved next to him, sheets rustling, bedframe creaking.  
When He Tian opened his eyes again, the other one was sitting on the edge, hunched over. Seconds later he got up.

"I need some fresh air", he mumbled and staggered towards the door, holding his head.

He Tian watched him leave before he let himself fall back on the mattress.  
That had been scary.  
The shocking realization that his body was moving on its own, doing things which seemed so familiar without consciously thinking about it, that was...   
_So fucked up_ , he thought and carefully rolled onto his side.  
Though the most frightening part was that he had actually liked it. There had been an undeniable stiffness between his legs and He Tian hated to admit it to himself but he knew he had been enjoying what they were doing - until Guanshan's voice had somehow pulled him out of that mellow state of mind.

He didn't feel sick because he had kissed Guanshan. He felt sick because he had no control over his own body.  
That had never happened before. Why now? It had been well over a month since the accident. Maybe he needed to see a doctor again? Or at the very least, bring this up when they would finally take his cast off next week.

He Tian sighed and lazily reached out, touching the side of the bed where Guanshan had been laying only minutes ago. The sheets were cold already. His fingers slid over the soft fabric, feeling the tightly woven mesh, trying to focus on it while his sickness slowly faded away.  
Once he felt good enough to get up, he grabbed one of the crutches and limped into the living room, looking for Guanshan.

The lights were out, but the door to the garden was half open.  
He Tian stepped out onto the terrace and saw the redhead sitting in one of the outdoor chairs. He was petting Roxy's head who had settled next to him.  
The air was cold and crisp and the first birds already started singing as the sky became brighter to welcome a new day.  
He heard a low crinkling sound when Guanshan raised his left hand and showed him a small silver object.

"What's that?", He Tian asked and came closer, taking it from him. It was the empty blister pack of pills from the day before.

"Valium", Guanshan said without looking at him. "I accidentally gave you those instead of painkillers. I took the last two myself before heading to bed. Thought it was paracetamol."

He Tian squashed the aluminum pack in his fist and let his hand sink. "So that's why..."

"Yeah..."

Roxy got up and approached He Tian, demanding a pet from him. He slightly bent over and put the corner of the blister pack in his mouth, holding it with his teeth, so he could give her a scratch behind the ears.

"I'm sorry", Guanshan said quietly. "I fucked up..."

He Tian shook his head even though the other one couldn't see it. He straightened up and took the small package out of his mouth again.

"Shit happens", he said simply. Somehow, he felt relieved, knowing now that these pills were the cause of his dizzy mind and overall sleepiness. However that still didn't explain completely why he was going autopilot on Guanshan earlier.  
He wasn't sure if he could brush it off as muscle memory. A bit extreme for that.

"We should go back to sleep", He Tian said after a long moment of silence between them. The bird concert grew louder by the minute. "I don't know about you, but I still feel super tired. I need at least a few more hours of sleep."

Guanshan made an affirmative sound and stood up, finally turning around to face him.

"I can sleep on the couch again", he offered.

He Tian hopped around on one leg, supporting himself with the crutch. He looked at Guanshan who averted his gaze. There was something sad and forlorn in his posture.

"Don't be silly", he grumbled. "I'm not holding you responsible, it was an accident and—"

"Tian."

He looked down at the hand which was loosely wrapped around his wrist. He Tian pulled himself free and waited.

"Did you remember? Anything? Maybe... maybe just a little glimpse or... I don't know... just... _anything_?"

For a second, He Tian considered lying to him, to just tell him ' _no_ ' and leave it at that. But that would've been only half the truth. And what was the point in that.

"Not really", he sighed and then admitted: "Well, it felt kind of familiar and I... I think I actually liked it..."

Those last words were barely a whisper. He closed his eyes and wondered if this was the Valium talking. He couldn't imagine being that brutally honest with this topic on a normal day.

"I see."

There was a strange sound in Guanshan's voice and when He Tian looked at him again, the redhead had covered his mouth with the fingertips of his left hand, staring at a potted plant next to them.

"Let's head to bed then", he said, gesturing for He Tian to go first.

When they lay down a few minutes later, the mood was more relaxed.  
In the brief moment before he fell back asleep, He Tian wondered if things would change between the two of them from now on.

The following days were surprisingly normal.  
He Tian had expected Guanshan to make some sort of advances toward him, but the redhead neither brought up their drug-induced night, nor did he try to initiate any form of physical contact.  
So at first He Tian started to relax and thought less and less about their pre-coma relationship. Instead he watched lots of movies and played some video games while the others were at work. He hung around the house, played with Roxy, ordered tons of different kinds of takeaway to find out what he liked eating and spent a sizeable amount of money on credits for various mobile games and apps.

And at some point he discovered Tantan.  
He Tian didn't tell Guanshan or the other two about it, because somehow it felt like this was something he shouldn't be doing. But he used the dating app anyway. It gave him a thrill every time he got a match and he had fun chatting with pretty girls from the local area.  
Soon enough he'd get excited every time his phone buzzed and sent him a notification.  
Guanshan had gone oddly quiet and He Tian wondered if the redhead knew.

Then, after a total of six weeks of walking around in crutches, his cast finally came off.  
Jian Yi had driven them to the hospital and accompanied him when the doctor sawed the plaster open. She didn't comment on the dark spidery lines just below his knee, where He Tian pretty obviously had been using a pen to scratch himself under the itchy cast.  
He looked at his leg in disgust. The skin there seemed way paler than the rest of his body, nearly white, and it felt a bit sticky, almost damp to the touch.  
The doctor checked the X-Rays on the wall, jammed into the mount of the light board. They showed the fractured bone of his left leg right after the accident.

"A broken shin", she said matter-of-factly and turned back around before sliding expert hands across He Tian's lower leg. "It's been six weeks, so you should be able to put pressure onto this leg again. However I will refer you to a physiotherapist. You need to build up your muscles and strength."

She grabbed his calf and his thigh and bent the leg by the knee, carefully circling it around by the joint.

"No workout except for the therapy", she ordered. "Don't jog and limit your walks to short distances within the first week. If you drive, I would recommend waiting until after therapy. You can go swimming, but any other sports that involve strenuous leg activity will have to wait. At least for another five months."

"That's almost half a year!", He Tian exclaimed and let his head fall back onto the stretcher, groaning in frustration.

Jian Yi laughed and patted his arm. "Can't wait to see you getting chubby", he chuckled, eyes sparkling with amusement. "Probably won't take long either, judging by all that junk food you've been stuffing in your face lately."

The doctor gave them a sharp look. "I recommend a healthy, balanced diet. Your therapist can show you some exercises you can do at home which do not involve the legs."

She let him stand up and take a few wobbly steps. Nodding to herself, the doctor jotted down a few notes onto a small block and ripped the top paper off.

"Take this to the front desk, they'll sort you out with the further treatment."

He Tian thanked her and took the note. He looked at it but couldn't decipher a single word. Hopefully her colleagues were able to read it.  
Outside in the corridor, He Tian stretched his leg and moved his ankle around. Despite wearing a shoe again, it felt weirdly exposed and lightweight.  
He held onto Jian Yi's shoulder for support as they walked to the front desk and showed the paper slip to the young lady working there.

"Physiotherapy for two weeks after a broken leg", she read out loud and looked up. She smiled. "Do you already have a particular practice in mind?"

He Tian declined and the girl started typing away on a keyboard quickly while staring at the computer screen. "Okay, I'll find you one close by. Can I have your insurance number please?"

He Tian fished out his wallet and slid his health card across the counter. "Do I have to call them and ask for an appointment or...?"

The young lady smiled at him again. "I can book you right in, if you prefer?"

"That'd be lovely."

Jian Yi poked his elbow into He Tian's ribs. "Stop flirting", he whispered and stared at him half angry, half amused while the girl was on the phone with the practice.

"I'm not", He Tian hissed back and furrowed his eyebrows. "I'm just being friendly."

"Okay", the girl said loudly and put the phone down. "You'll start tomorrow at three and will be attending once a day for the next two weeks. You can discuss individual times directly with them during your first appointment."

She wrote down the time on a piece of paper, which she then stamped and handed it back to He Tian, together with his card.

"Wishing you a quick recovery, Mr. He."

"Thanks, you too."

"..."

He Tian bit his lip and closed his eyes for a second. How stupid was that?!  
Next to him, Jian Yi giggled like crazy and He Tian shoved him around a little too rough before they started walking towards the exit.

" _Thanks, you too_ ", the blond mimicked and burst into another fit of laughter.

He Tian groaned. "I'm regretting not getting a taxi."

He called for a taxi the next day, though. Everyone was at work and he wasn't allowed to drive himself yet.  
When he arrived at the practice, he was led into a small treatment room by an elderly man in white clothes. As they passed some doors in the L-shaped corridor, He Tian could hear calming voices and instructed breathing techniques behind some of them.  
Everything was white here - the walls, the floor, the furniture. Yet there wasn't that sterile smell to it which he remembered from the hospital.  
The scent in the air was pleasant and refreshing. It reminded him of spearmint chewing gum.

He Tian was instructed to take off his pants and lie down on the massage table in the middle of the room.  
Not long after he had layn down on his back, a beautiful young woman entered the room. He Tian propped up on his elbows and couldn't help but stare at her. She was tall and fit, her long chestnut hair in a loose braid, her eyes of a warm brown color.

"Mr. He", she said and He Tian swallowed hard. Her voice was deep for a woman, but it sounded mellow and relaxing at the same time. "My name is Liu Suyin. I'll be undertaking your treatment over the next 14 days. How are you today?"

He Tian cleared his throat. "Fine", he managed to press out and watched her leafing through some papers on a small desk in the corner. When she bent forward slightly, his eyes were glued to the perfect shape of her behind, beautifully outlined by tight yoga pants.  
After two heartbeats He Tian forced himself to look away. _Better not lie here with a boner and make it awkward_ , he thought.

Miss Liu sat down on a white office chair and rolled to the massage table. "Your cast came off yesterday?", she asked and He Tian nodded. "Right. And have you experienced any pain since then while walking around?"

Her skilled hands started feeling up his leg, fingertips pressing into the weakened muscles.

"No", he answered and rolled his head to the side to get a better look at her while talking. "It doesn't hurt, but it feels... stiff? It's hard to explain."

She nodded once and stood up. "I understand. Well, you haven't put any pressure on this leg for over six weeks, Mr. He. So I'll help you to build up your strength and gain more mobility."

Miss Liu fetched a bottle of oil and began massaging his thigh and calf before she moved on to stretching his leg and bending it in all possible and impossible directions.  
He Tian sighed. Sometimes it hurt a little, other times it felt really good. Overall he enjoyed the treatment. Maybe a little too much.  
When Miss Liu was done, they discussed the appointment times for the following days.

Back outside on the street, waiting for his taxi, He Tian wondered if he was so attracted to her because she was indeed beautiful, or because of the simple fact that he hadn't had any female contact yet except for nurses and doctors.

The next day, He Tian took an extra long shower before heading to his appointment. He had also put more thought into his outfit and had made an effort to make his hair look nice.  
For some strange reason he felt the need to impress Miss Liu.  
They were talking a bit more that day. He Tian told her about the accident and his memory loss. Though he conveniently left out the part where he technically had a boyfriend whom he had planned to marry prior to the tragedy.

They got along pretty well and by the time the two weeks were nearly over, he knew so much about her that it gave him the feeling they were long lost old friends.  
She was two years older than him and single. She lived together with her grandmother and owned a cat. He Tian had learned that she loved the ocean but hated the beach. She loved outdoor sports and Italian food. And every winter holiday she'd go skiing in the mountains with her best friend.

After their last appointment, He Tian decided to make a move. Now or never.  
He was just dragging up the zipper of his dark pants and smoothed out the front of his white button-up shirt.

"Hey, uhm", he started and leaned against the massage table behind him. "I'm sure you hear this a lot, but—"

"Yes", Miss Liu answered before he could even form the question. She smiled at him. "I'll go out with you. Now that you're no longer my patient, there is nothing to be said against it."

He Tian looked surprised. He didn't expect her to agree so easily, even though he had hoped she was interested and he didn't just misinterpret the signs.

"Then how about we go for some drinks tonight? What time do you finish?"

She glanced at the big clock on the wall and said: "Around five, but I live close by. Let me get home afterwards and freshen up, you can pick me up at six if that's alright. I'll text you the address."

They exchanged numbers and a kiss on the cheek before He Tian left the practice for the last time.  
Back home he was greeted by Zhengxi, who watched TV in the living room.  
He Tian checked the time. 3pm.

"You're home early", he observed and stepped closer to pet Roxy, who lay on the couch next to his friend.

"There was a water main break in the office, so they sent everyone home early", the brunette explained. "And you had your last appointment today, right? How does your leg feel?"

He Tian walked into the kitchen. "Good", he shouted over his shoulder. "I think it's pretty much back to normal, however I'm not allowed to do heavy exercise for another four to five months."

"Oh, that's rough", Zhengxi shouted back. "I bet you're itching to go to the gym, huh?"

He Tian fetched a bottle of water from the fridge and came back. "Well, I'll still go, but for swimming and some upper body exercise."

He twisted the cap open and had a few sips. "Alright, I'll get ready then."

"Ready?", Zhengxi gave him a curious look. "For what?"

"Just meeting someone for drinks", He Tian replied casually while walking away.

He Tian stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror above the sink. His hair was still wet from the shower and water rolled off his naked body.  
He tilted his head to look at his face from different angles. Then he reached up and pushed the fringe out of his face, combed the hair back with his fingers.  
With a low sigh he let go of it and leaned onto the edge of the sink.

Since a while back now he couldn't shake off the feeling that what he was about to do was - strictly speaking - cheating.  
He wasn't sure anymore if Guanshan and him still counted as a couple or if they were just roommates. Back then he had asked him to become friends first before considering any sort of deeper feelings but given their history he didn't know if that made them free men or just boyfriends on a break for an undefined amount of time.

The truth was, Guanshan had barely spoken to him in weeks. Most nights they ate dinner together with Jian Yi and Zhengxi and afterwards they shared the bed without really talking to each other.  
All that should have made it easy to forget that heated night about a month ago. Though He Tian found himself thinking about it more and more frequently. And it annoyed him. He wanted to forget about it, not linger on drug-induced sentimentality and heat-of-the-moment lasciviousness.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shaking his head as if to clear it of those irritating thoughts. He had a date to attend to. A real date. With a beautiful woman. He was not going to fuck this up.

At 6pm sharp, He Tian got out of the taxi in front of Liu Suyin's house to pick her up.  
She looked incredible.  
He had only ever seen her in Lycra tops and yoga pants.  
Tonight she was wearing a red dress with matching high heels which complimented the color of her hair perfectly.  
He took her to a cocktail bar which he had looked up online before.  
They drank, they talked, they laughed and He Tian tried to have a good time. Yet he couldn't enjoy it to the fullest since his thoughts kept wandering back to his redheaded friend. What he was doing here didn't feel quite right.

After about three hours the bar became really loud and crowded, so He Tian called them another taxi and dropped her off first. When she asked if he wanted to come inside for ' _a coffee_ ', he politely declined. "Maybe next time", he had told her with a smile and they both knew then, there would probably never be a next time.

Back home, He Tian just wanted to sneak in and shower and head to bed.  
But for some reason his friends were still up and had decided to have some sort of game night. He found them in the living room, all sprawled out over the long couch, playing Mario Kart against each other.

"Tian!", Jian Yi shouted with excitement and waved his controller. "Where have you been? It's so late."

Guanshan cursed and put his controller down before grabbing a pillow and covering his face with it in frustration. It looked like Zhengxi had won.

"Just... out", He Tian said vaguely and shrugged. Jian Yi narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

Zhengxi turned around now and gave him a strange look. "He had a few drinks with someone..."

He Tian shot him a sharp glance that pretty much said: _Thanks asshole._

Jian Yi's eyes went big. "Holy shit! You've been dating??"

"Wait, what?!" Guanshan was suddenly standing next to the couch, staring at He Tian.

All of them were staring at him, how he stood there dressed nicely, hair slicked back and wearing so much cologne they could smell it even from their distance. He could see the accusation in their eyes, the silent judgement. It pissed him off.

"Yes, I had drinks with someone", he snapped and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Sue me!"

"Wow...", Jian Yi said quietly and Zhengxi shook his head. Guanshan was very still.

"Hey, this is _my_ life, alright? I will do whatever I damn well please. And whatever happened before that fucking accident doesn't define who I am today. This is me right now and I don't know who I used to be. And you can either accept that or fuck off!"

With those last words he turned around and stomped towards the bathroom with angry steps. He wasn't interested in their answers. Not right now. What he needed was a hot shower, a comfortable bed and some sleep.

After He Tian had that shower he already felt better and more at ease. Some of his anger had faded away and the slight tipsiness from the alcohol was gone.  
He took his time blow-drying his hair and when he finally came out of the bathroom to get some fresh clothes, he could hear the others talking in the living room.  
He Tian slipped into his room and turned on the bedside lamp. He walked over to the wardrobe and fished out some boxer briefs and a pair of black sweatpants.  
Just as he reached for a dark, comfortable shirt, the door opened and Guanshan entered the dimly lit room.

"We need to talk."

Oh.  
He Tian closed the wardrobe slowly and put the shirt on before going to the bed and sitting down by the foot end. He didn't feel like having a serious talk right now, he much rather wanted to lie down and sleep.  
But the redhead looked dead serious and so He Tian decided it was better to get this whole thing over with right then and there.

  
  
_(This amazing artwork was drawn by[traceytries](https://archiveofourown.org/users/traceytries/pseuds/traceytries) / [teanshan](https://teanshan.tumblr.com/) \- thank you so, so much!! ♥ please follow her on [twitter](https://twitter.com/teanshan) and [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/teanshan_/) ^^ )_   


"Okay", he replied and leaned forward, elbows resting on his thighs. He looked up at Guanshan who had stepped in front of him, barely two feet away.

"So you've been on a date today", he started and waited a few seconds. He Tian said nothing, so Guanshan continued.

"I'm not stupid, Tian. I know you've been using Tantan. I just didn't think you'd actually hook up with someone for real."

"It wasn't someone I met through the app", He Tian admitted. "I went for drinks with my physiotherapist."

He wasn't sure if that made it better or worse. Maybe it didn't even matter anymore.

"I see", came the quiet reply and for a while none of them said anything.

When Guanshan spoke again, his voice was lower than before. "I didn't want to push you any further because that only seemed to drive you away. I wanted to give you time and enough room to figure yourself out. I thought that if I leave you alone for some time that you'd eventually seek me out, that you'd start showing some kind of interest..."

He Tian tightened his jaw. He didn't like the direction this conversation was heading.

"But instead, you decided to give up on me—on _us_ ", Guanshan continued. "You tried to find someone new."

He Tian opened his mouth. He wanted to deny it, wanted to say that things were different than they seemed. But that would've been a lie. He went on that date with a certain intention and even if he had changed his mind, it was no excuse.  
He closed his mouth again and remained silent.

Guanshan nodded slightly. "Thank you for confirming this for me."

He Tian kept his eyes on Guanshan the entire time. The redhead suddenly looked small and inconspicuous and much, much younger. Shoulders slumped, arms hanging by his sides, eyes dull and without any of that usual amber spark.  
Somewhere in a far corner of his heart, He Tian felt the faint urge to hug him, comfort him, even if he himself was the cause of the other one's grief.

"You know, I've been thinking a lot about the past", Guanshan mused. "What it was like before we started dating. I thought that if I could figure out what it was that made you go mad for me, I would have a second chance. That I could make you fall in love with me once more. But the truth is..."

He took a deep breath and reached up to rub the back of his neck.

"I can't even give you a reason as to why you should love me. You just did. For some strange, incomprehensible reason, unbeknownst to me, you started coming after me in middle school and decided to love me like your life depended on it. And I couldn't understand why. Every day I asked myself - Why me?", he let his hand sink and stared down at the carpet.

"There isn't anything special about me. I'm just your average Joe... I wasn't particularly good-looking, I was doing rather bad at school, I don't come from a prestigious family, we didn't have money either... and I wasn't really talented when it came to anything except maybe cooking."

Guanshan paused and looked back at He Tian. His eyes were glassy.

"There was nothing I could think of which was worth the attention of the richest, most annoying, most beautiful asshole on campus..."

He Tian's mouth had gone dry, his lips a thin line. He felt awful and didn't know what to say.  
For some strange reason, hearing all this had made it hard to breathe for him. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it only felt worse afterwards.  
Guanshan pressed the heels of his hands into the outside corners of his eyes and looked up to the ceiling. He took another shaky breath and then crossed his arms in front of his chest while he took half a step back.

"I can feel that we're no longer on the same page", he finally concluded and snuffled. "I tried to be there for you, I tried to be patient... but as it turns out I'm simply not what you want. Not anymore."

He Tian could only stare. _Say something!_ , his brain raged but his throat was tight and closed up, not able to form a single word.  
Guanshan continued to retreat, taking small steps back until he reached the door. His hand gripped the handle, his voice nothing more than a whisper.

"I'm sorry that I'm giving up too now. But I just can't get to you. Maybe in another life we will have a second chance."

The door opened and closed quietly.  
He Tian was alone.  
His eyes were fixed on a random point on the wall. This wasn't what he wanted. He wasn't even sure what exactly it was that he desired but he knew it was definitely not this.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there when the door was pushed open again and his head jerked up.  
But it wasn't Guanshan. Of course not. Did he really expect him to come back tonight?  
Zhengxi walked in and shut the door behind him, leaning against it with his back.  
His eyes were hard and unforgiving. He Tian had never seen him like this. It was almost scary.

"Let me just say one thing", Zhengxi started and He Tian gestured for him to continue.

"I don't think you realize how lucky you are. You've always taken so many things from him and he let you - after all he gave it all willingly. So I don't know what you were waiting for all this time, He Tian, but it's as if you're waiting for a sign, for something amazing to happen. But you won't get it from Momo. He already gave you everything. He has nothing left to give."

He Tian furrowed his eyebrows. He felt confused and couldn't make sense of those words. What was he supposed to do? What did all of that mean?  
He didn't look up when Zhengxi left the room after a while and lowered his head even more, hiding his face in his palms.  
He felt muddled and helpless, sad and regretful. If only he could figure out why this whole thing made him feel so terrible.

He Tian felt like crying.

Time passed and no one else was entering the room anymore. No voices could be heard from outside. Nobody came to check on him.  
He Tian sat on the bed, blanket in his lap, the Cartier ring box in his hands.  
The rings were polished and shiny, the edges sparkling in the light. Yet they offered no conclusion, no clarity, no comfort.  
The room started swimming and he let go of the small box, covering his wet eyes with one hand.

"I want to remember", he whispered to no one. "Please! Let me remember."

_~tbc_


	9. But I wanna stay with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys... the overwhelming amount of feedback on the last chapter touched my heart. I'm sorry for making some of you cry and I promise it won't happen again. Well, not because of sad content anyway. So now get ready for all the comfort in the world. I love you guys!  
> (Thank you, Belly, for your help and encouragement! ♥ Beta by crimsonleaf - thank you ♥)

Guanshan couldn't sleep.  
He had lain there for what felt like hours: awake, anxious, heartbroken, unable to find any rest.  
Zhengxi stirred next to him, but his' and Jian Yi's even breathing suggested they were deep asleep.  
Guanshan rolled onto his side, lying on the edge of the mattress.  
The talk he had had with He Tian kept replaying in his head, over and over again. Well. He had been the one talking. He Tian had not said anything, hand't even tried to lie to him. There had been nothing but stares from dark eyes.  
And it hurt. Guanshan had never broken up with someone before which was no wonder, really, since there had never been anyone else. Only He Tian.

Back in high school he hadn't been naive enough to think that a relationship which started in school would last a lifetime. But one year had turned into two years, then three, then four..., and before he was fully aware of it, they'd been a couple for seven years and it was the most natural thing in the world. There had been no doubt about it. It was him and He Tian until death did them part.  
But death had come earlier than expected. Their past and all their memories had died for He Tian and evidently that had marked the end of their forever after for them.

Guanshan would cry if he hadn't already used up all his tears. Instead he just felt that painful stinging on the tip of his nose and his eyes felt dry, the skin around them red and sensitive.  
He sighed and wondered what He Tian was doing right now. Was he able to sleep? Was he happy that he was finally set free and could now 'go out and meet people'... and _have sex_?  
He closed his eyes. The gnawing feeling of jealousy towards whomever He Tian had been meeting was sickening.

Guanshan only opened his eyes when he heard a faint scratch on the door. Roxy.  
He thought about getting up and letting her in, but the decision was made for him when the door opened quietly and he could see He Tian's shadow in the doorway.  
His heart skipped a beat and his stomach turned.  
Roxy squeezed past He Tian and rushed towards the bed where she instantly sought out his face and started licking his cheeks. Guanshan hummed in disapproval and pressed his face into the pillow while his hands automatically started petting her.

When he turned his head back again to face the door, He Tian was kneeling beside the bed, next to Roxy, and Guanshan flinched. He hadn't heard him coming closer.  
He could sense He Tian searching for him in the dark. Their hands met in Roxy's fur on her upper back, fingertips lightly brushing against one another.  
Guanshan froze.

"Hey...", He Tian whispered quietly so as to not disturb the other two.

Guanshan gulped. It was weird hearing his voice again, especially when it sounded so gentle. What was He Tian doing here?

"Hey", he replied after a while, his own voice raw and hoarse.

He could feel He Tian staring at him in the dark. Was this real? Or just a dream? Wishful thinking maybe?  
Guanshan bit the right side of his cheek inside his mouth. It hurt. This was very much real.

"I... want to talk", He Tian said and quickly added: "If you're not too tired."

Talk. The word echoed in Guanshan's mind. So He Tian was finally willing to respond to the things he'd been telling him earlier? Or was this about something else?  
Guanshan was tired. He wanted nothing more than to fall asleep right now, to drift into a deep, dreamless slumber.  
But he knew he wouldn't be able to. His mind was too busy and on top of it he was curious now. What could He Tian possibly have to say to him that couldn't wait until morning?

Guanshan sighed and started to push his legs over the edge of the mattress. "Fine", he mumbled and slowly drew back the blanket before getting up carefully, trying not to make too much noise.  
He Tian rose up and started walking back to the corridor, Roxy on his heels.  
One last glance to his friends - still asleep and hugging each other on the other side of the bed - and Guanshan followed He Tian into the living room.

They didn't turn on any lights and went to settle down on the couch. He Tian took a seat first and when Guanshan left about half a meter between them when he sat down, Roxy took the opportunity and jumped up to get comfortable between the two men.  
He Tian shifted and turned sideways, his right leg bent, naked foot under his left thigh, the other still on the ground. His arm and shoulder leaned against the backrest while his hands had already started stroking the retriever's soft fur.

Guanshan could feel He Tian's gaze on him in the dark. He suppressed a sigh and casually folded his hands in his lap. He didn't turn his head and instead stared straight ahead, looking outside the window while his eyes slowly adjusted to the lack of light.  
He Tian cleared his throat.

"So, first of all", he said, voice low and soft, "I want to apologize."

Guanshan's heart skipped a beat. That was unexpected.

"I should've said something earlier, but I was too... I don't know. I couldn't say anything and just felt... shocked? I guess I needed time to think about all of it", he raked his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry, Guanshan. I really am."

He made a small pause and the redhead could feel his gaze on him. He refused to turn his head.

"For treating you the way I did. For not saying anything when I should have in regard to where I see us standing, but honestly... I'm not even sure about this. All I know is", he took a deep breath. "that you've been on my mind a lot lately. A-and I keep thinking about that night... you know which one..."

Finally Guanshan turned to look at He Tian. He couldn't believe it. None of this made sense to him. "Then why did you use Tantan?", he blurted out. "And why did you go on a date with... your physiotherapist? I mean, that is _so_ messed up, seriously."

"I know", He Tian agreed. "I know... it's just that I was kind of pissed off that everyone seemed to expect me to be together with you despite not knowing you anymore. It made me angry that nobody really asked me what I wanted in terms of relationships. It was like there was no other option, I had to be with you and that was the end of it."

Guanshan furrowed his brows. "So you didn't even consider giving us a chance... out of resentment?", he asked slowly, sounding incredulous.

He Tian huffed out a short laugh. He didn't sound amused though. "It sounds horrible if you put it like that, but... probably, yeah."

"Wow..."

Guanshan looked out of the window again and realized that he had dug his short nails into his thighs, leaving little marks which would probably take an hour to fade away.  
He didn't know if he should feel offended or relieved. On one hand He Tian's behaviour and even his confession had been insulting - on the other hand... did he just somehow imply that there were feelings after all? That there might be a chance that—

"Look", He Tian interrupted his thoughts. "I deleted the app. And I never hooked up with anybody from there. When I went for drinks with Liu Suyin, nothing happened, I swear."

Guanshan's head jerked to the side and he eyed He Tian in the darkness of the room, the last bit of moonlight casting pale highlights on the floorboards.

"Nothing happened?", he echoed. "But I thought..."

He Tian shook his head. "Honestly. We only had a few drinks and when I dropped her off, she asked if I wanted to come inside, but... I declined. I just... I don't know why, but it felt wrong. I felt like... I didn't belong there, you know? Well, needless to say - we won't see each other again."

Unconsciously, Guanshan mirrored He Tian's pose as his body turned sideways and he leaned his shoulder against the couch.  
That was interesting. But even if He Tian finally realized and admitted his own feelings, he could've come clear much sooner. Those last few weeks had been hard for Guanshan, with constant bellyaches and waves of nausea.

"Why didn't you say anything?", he asked and grimaced. "Before, I mean. It was rather cruel leaving me in the dark with your intentions to find someone else, while I still had hopes for us."

He Tian remained quiet for a long moment. The only sound in the room was the low hum from the fridge which carried over to where they were sitting. Even Roxy was perfectly still as if she knew this was important and didn't want to interrupt their conversation.

"I was a coward and an asshole", He Tian finally admitted and he stopped petting the dog before continuing to talk in a low voice. "But you... _had hopes_... Does that mean you've really given up?"

Guanshan shifted around for a bit until he could also lean his head against the backrest in a comfortable manner. What was He Tian getting at here?

"I'm not gonna lie, it was a hard decision but I thought it's for the best if I move out."

"Please stay!", He Tian begged almost immediately. "I know I have no right to ask that of you after everything that happened but... I don't want you to leave. I, mh... I think I got pretty comfortable around you..."

"I'm not here to simply provide comfort for you, Tian", Guanshan said, half amused. "I mean, it's great that you're less... skittish. But I won't stick around to see you hooking up with somebody else and play roommate just because it's convenient for you to have some friends close by."

He Tian shook his head slightly. "That's not what I meant, Guanshan... It's not just that I feel comfortable, but I told you I keep thinking of you when you're not around and also about that night... I don't think I want to do that with anyone else."

Guanshan's heart jumped slightly in his chest. So He Tian was actually serious? Could that mean that...?

"So what is it exactly that you feel towards me then?", he interrupted his own thoughts, not wanting to get his hopes up quite yet. However the warm feeling pooling in his stomach could hardly be ignored.

What a night.  
First he had felt betrayed, angry, incredulous. That quickly had changed to heartbroken until resignation had trickled in, slowly, like thick honey dripping from a spoon.  
He had made up his mind. Zhengxi and Jian Yi had tried to comfort him and Guanshan had cried until he was so exhausted that a welcoming numbness had taken over his body.  
And now? Now He Tian sat across him and that bastard had the audacity to look unbelievably gorgeous in the middle of the night, even with a wrinkled shirt and his hair a mess, while apologizing and suddenly freely talking about dwelling feelings of... what exactly?  
It didn't seem fair!

What annoyed Guanshan the most was how receptive he was towards this sudden change of heart. Though if he chose to believe He Tian, it wasn't that sudden after all.  
He knew he needed He Tian like the very air he was breathing and if there was even the slightest chance left that they could go back to how things used to be, he'd take that chance in a heartbeat. He'd reach for it like a drowning man clutching at a straw. If he knew there was a second chance, of course he'd take it. He just couldn't see it earlier. It all seemed so lost, broken beyond repair, endless burning betrayal.

But now his world was flipped upside down once more. He didn't know how much more of this emotional rollercoaster he could take.

"Look", He Tian said softly, hands gently roaming over Roxy's back who then put her chin on his knee. "I... I can't remember what being in love feels like. How it's _supposed_ to feel. I have no idea what it's like to fall for somebody... Is this it? A desire to be near someone? To feel funny when thinking about kissing them?"

Guanshan smiled at that. Experiencing He Tian in this clueless, almost innocent way, was kind of endearing.

"Well", he whispered, "you have to find that out for yourself. Nobody can tell you what it should feel like to be in love. But trust me - as soon as you are, you will know."

He Tian neither looked convinced nor satisfied with that answer and stared down at his dog. "Will you stay though?", he asked, his voice sounded shy and unsure.

Guanshan didn't really have to think about it anymore, yet he remained silent for a few seconds. His friend misinterpreted it as pondering.

"I want to fall for you", He Tian added and lifted his gaze, now staring directly into Guanshan's eyes in the dark. "I was an idiot for trying to ignore it. I will be honest with you from now on. Please give me another chance?"

"Very well then", he finally replied. "I won't go. And I will try to help you figuring this out... this _funny feeling_... after all you once wanted to marry me. I probably owe you that much."

He Tian looked relieved and Guanshan seemed amused.

"So what are we doing now? I'm not sure how to proceed..."

"Now", Guanshan said and pushed away from the backrest, straightening his back, "Now we're going to bed. I'm tired and I need rest. These past few hours have taken ten years off my life. And tomorrow we will go on a date and you better watch out because I plan to swipe you off your feet."

He Tian chuckled. The tension between them was broken.

"Right. Work your magic then, I can't wait to see you in action."

"Oh, it will be magical alright. Like a fucking fairy tale. You're the princess who slept for a hundred years and I'll be your knight in shining armor, waking you up and showing you the world."

They both laughed quietly.

He Tian tilted his head. "But wasn't the princess woken up by a kiss?"

Their laughter died away and they suddenly became very quiet.  
Just like that, Guanshan could actually _feel_ the air between them, electrified and materialized, ready to be touched with their fingertips to ignite in a spark.  
His gaze lingered on He Tian's lips, they were slightly parted, bottom lip fuller than the upper lip, soft and inviting. He still remembered how they felt against his own. Unconsciously, he licked over his own lips and only realized he was leaning in when their faces were barely two inches apart. He Tian was meeting him halfway, their breath a warm, reassuring caress onto each other's face.

Guanshan shut his eyes and moved forward, closing the gap. His heartbeat picked up and his nerve endings were tingling.  
But the anticipated warm softness of He Tian's lips never came. Instead there was a cold nose between their faces, followed by a long, wet tongue licking his chin.

"Roxy...", Guanshan breathed out and his hands came to lie on her head to push it down while he suppressed a laugh. "Dammit..."

He drew back and brushed the back of his right hand over his chin, wiping away the dog saliva.  
He Tian hugged Roxy and hid his face in her neck, groaning in frustration.

"Bed", Guanshan said firmly and got up, stretching his stiff legs. "Come on, you two."

He offered a hand to He Tian and, after Roxy jumped off the couch, He Tian took it and let himself get pulled up. They lingered in that moment for a few seconds longer, standing close, He Tian's hand in Guanshan's.  
The redhead cleared his throat and loosened the grip. He Tian let go.

Though, when they were comfortably settled in their bed a minute later, their hands had instinctively found their way to one another again. Fingers interlaced, no pressure, hearts light with relief, eyelids heavy with exhaustion - and that was how they fell asleep.

~

"Do you ever sit at opposite ends and shout-talk to each other while enjoying your meals?", He Tian asked and sounded dead serious but Guanshan knew it was meant to mock his older brother's lifestyle.

They had come to He Cheng's mansion for a weekend brunch. At least that was what Guanshan had told He Tian, the real reason however was seeing the sharks. He had promised him a date after all and what better way to start it off than by feeding some deadly predators before heading to the aquarium. Oh, the romance was killing him.  
Right now though, they were sitting at one end of a long-ass table together with Qiu and He Cheng, enjoying a variety of hearty and sweet international breakfast dishes.

It must've been at least two years since the last time Guanshan had been here, but he remembered the big estate all the same. Nothing much had changed anyway since they were teenagers and had come here for the first time together with Zhengxi and Jian Yi, having a barbecue and a sleepover. Guanshan still remembered how cringey He Tian and him had been back then. The memory made him smirk.

"Of course", He Cheng replied, just as serious. "But it always gets awkward when one of us asks the other one to pass the butter."

Qiu frowned and put his fork down. "What are you saying? We don't shout here. We usually keep binoculars next to our plates, so we can communicate in morse code by blinking with our eyes."

"Rich people...", He Tian mumbled and tried to hide his smile while dipping the edge of a croissant into some strawberry jam.

"Hey, you're part of this family, too, you know..."

"Can't be helped then, I guess."

He Cheng reached for his napkin and wiped the corners of his mouth in a minimalistic and elegant gesture before putting it back down next to his plate. "Right", he said and gave He Tian a weird look. "Are you done eating? My pets are hungry and I believe you wanted to help feeding them?"

He Tian dropped his croissant and turned his head to stare at Guanshan rather than his brother.

"The sharks?", he asked, a hint of disbelief in his voice. "Are you serious? I thought this was a joke."

Guanshan tried not to laugh, but a short chuckle escaped his mouth. "Why would I joke?", he asked, hiding a smile behind his cup of coffee.

He Tian opened his mouth and closed it again, now looking between He Cheng and Qiu. "You're keeping sharks and didn't bother to tell me?"

"Well, you knew before", He Cheng said diplomatically. "It just never came up in conversation since... your accident. Also, what's the big deal?"

"What the big deal is?", He Tian asked, leaning forward and folding his arms on the table after shoving his plate away. "It's freaking awesome, that's what it is! Anything else you forgot to mention? Maybe that you keep an entire zoo somewhere on this big-ass property? Or maybe there's a giant helicopter outside on a field or something?"

He Cheng sighed and Qiu said: "Now don't be silly. The helicopter is on the rooftop."

Qiu got up and pushed his chair back to the table. "Come on, guys. Or I'll be feeding them without you."

He Tian got up quicker than a lightning bolt and tried to keep up with Qiu who had already left the dining room. Guanshan followed them slowly, stopping in the doorway to turn back around to He Cheng.

"Go ahead", the older one said. "I'll join you in a minute."

Guanshan shrugged and jogged down the corridor until he caught up with He Tian.

"Was he serious about the helicopter, too?", he whispered and furrowed his brows.

Guanshan nodded. "Ye, though I know nothing about a private zoo."

They followed Qiu through the mansion, across the yard and into a building that looked like a huge swimming pool from the outside.  
Inside it was warm and smelled like ocean and fish, the air was slightly humid. They walked through a small corridor which lead into a giant room that was almost entirely taken up by the pool. Two of the walls consisted of glass windows, bathing the room in natural light. The pool itself was dark and not lit up and Guanshan looked to the right where it went under one of the glass fronts and led into a fenced outside area.

"Wow", He Tian took a look around before stepping to the handrail, leaning over it and trying to spot something in the water. "Have you been here before?"

Guanshan came forward and stood next to He Tian. "Maybe once or twice", he admitted and couldn't help but think how amiable it was to see He Tian so excited. It reminded him of himself when he visited his brother's estate for the second time, it had just been He Tian and him back then, and he had finally shown him the long-promised sharks.

"Right, are you ready?", Qiu appeared behind the corner, carrying two metal buckets that reeked like fish.

"Where are they though?", He Tian asked and craned his neck.

Qiu put the buckets down next to them. "Outside", he simply replied and grabbed a large piece of tuna from one of the buckets and tossed it into the water. "Just watch."

The piece of meat hit the surface of the water and started to sink down. Just seconds later there was movement under the window front and something long and gray shot through the water at an incredible speed.  
There were more movements, the hint of some kind of commotion under water. Then a creature jumped out of the water, about two meters high, turning in the air and falling back into the cool wet.  
The two young men had taken a step back while Qiu had been fishing out a cigarette, personifying calmness itself.

"Shit", He Tian muttered and cautiously went back to the handrail. "But... that didn't look like a shark. More like... I don't know. They're so long and thin."

"Thresher sharks", Qiu simply replied and pocketed his lighter, blowing out smoke. "Not every shark looks like the Great White. You've probably watched too many horror movies."

Guanshan looked down into the water where he could spot three sharks now, slowly swimming in a circle, waiting for more food. Their bellies were white like pretty much any other sharks', the sides a light gray, but their backs shimmered in different hues of purple.

"They're really pretty", He Tian said and Guanshan couldn't have agreed more.

Qiu closed his eyes, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Go ahead, feed them the rest of the tuna and the mackerels from the other bucket. But be quick, don't hold onto it for too long and don't tease them. As you can see, they can jump quite high."

He didn't have to tell Guanshan twice, who immediately bent sideways to retrieve another chunk of tuna. He tossed it into the middle of the pool and the three sharks immediately went after it.  
He Tian swallowed and shook his head, but then he grabbed some mackerels and threw them into different areas in the pool to spread the sharks apart.

After they had had their breakfast, they stayed inside and slowly swam around in front of the young men as if waiting for more.

"How old are they?", He Tian asked. "Do they live as long as humans?"

Qiu tossed his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, grinding it out. "Those three are siblings, they're about twelve years old now", he said. "Their common lifespan is about twenty years and relatively short compared to some other breeds who can even get several hundred years old. Thresher sharks are endangered and out in the wild they're always hunted for their meat, their fins, teeth, skin... they often don't get older than a few years, which is the reason for their near-extinction. They only reach sexual maturity between thirteen and fourteen years, so..."

"...so they won't live long enough to reproduce", He Tian finished and looked sad. "What a shame. Beautiful creatures."

Guanshan watched them for a while, noticing how long their tails were when suddenly he sensed movement coming in from the outside area again.  
A moment later, He Cheng emerged from the depth of the pool right in front of them and in-between the sharks, wearing nothing but a black diving suit and a pair of yellow flippers.  
Guanshan gasped and felt He Tian tense up next to him.

"Holy shit, what are you doing?!", he hissed at his brother.

Qiu laughed breathily, leaning his forearms onto the handrail. "Relax. Thresher sharks don't pose a threat to humans as long as you don't provoke them. Besides they're used to us."

He Cheng seemed calm and relaxed, treading water, his hands gliding over the sharks' leathery skin.

"How about it, little brother?", he asked and looked up. "Wanna come in and pet them?"

He Tian's eyes went big. "Oh. I don't know... I mean, I don't usually carry a diving suit with me and... maybe next time."

Guanshan turned his head and studied He Tian's face. In the past, he would've jumped at such an opportunity without a second thought. Somehow He Tian seemed to be way more careful since he lost his memories. Was that a good thing? Probably.

They stayed for another hour, mainly talking about sharks and life in the ocean. Then Guanshan hurried He Tian along - the aquarium was only open until late afternoon. Plus he had another surprise for him in store.

After they passed the turnstile, they walked down a long, winded corridor. Dark and shaped like an underwater grotto with small, lit up fish tanks on both sides, habituating colorful and exotic fishes.

"You once told me you came here as a child", Guanshan said while He Tian crouched down in front of a tank with a red coral reef and some clown fishes. "And they opened it for you at night or something."

He Tian turned half around in his position, sneakers shuffling on concrete floor. "Or something?", he asked and quirked an eyebrow. He looked amused.

Guanshan shrugged. "Ye, it was before... we were dating. I think I told you to shut up before you could tell me more. Sorry."

He Tian snorted and turned back to the tank, tapping the glass. "Man, I must've been desperate for your attention, huh?"

"Pretty much."

"Hm. Say, when did we officially start dating? I know you said you realized your feelings for me during that hike in the woods, but that was still in middle school, right?" He rose to his feet and casually shoved his hands into the front pockets of his gray pants.

Guanshan gnawed on his bottom lip. "Ye. It was the first year of high school. We went on another weekend trip, but..."

He looked around. The aquarium wasn't packed, but there were still always a few people around them, mostly families with kids.

"I'll tell you another time. This might not be the place."

"Oho", He Tian's expression was wild. "Can't wait to hear that story later. I will definitely remind you."

Guanshan groaned and wiped a hand across his face. "Of course you will", he muttered and continued louder: "Let's go. There's something I want to show you."

They exited the grotto and walked through a tunnel which went directly through the giant ocean tank. There were big sea turtles, sharks, rays and more fish species than they could count.  
He let He Tian watch them swim around for a while before leading him through another grotto-style tunnel with different jellyfish tanks that were lit up in all the colors of the rainbow.  
Finally, they reached Guanshan's planned destination.

Just outside a little cinema room, which played a short documentary about ocean life on repeat, there was another door labelled ' _Staff room. Do not enter._ '  
Guanshan looked at the time on his phone. 3pm. They made it just in time.  
They only had to wait another minute before the door opened and a young woman in a blue shirt with the aquarium's logo greeted them.

"Mr. Mo, I presume?", she asked friendly and looked at the two of them.

"Yes, that's me", Guanshan replied and gestured to He Tian. "This is my friend He Tian. Thank you so much for responding to my request on such a short notice."

"You're welcome", she said and held the door open for them. "My name is Yeung Liling. Please follow me."

He Tian shot Guanshan a questionable look but followed her wordlessly.  
They walked through a long hallway with many doors on each side. It strongly smelled like animals and fish back here.  
Liling opened a door to the right and waited for them to step inside. It was a small room, like an antechamber, with only a few lockers on the left and a sink on the right.

"Please wash your hands and then wear these masks", she said and gestured to the right side.

He Tian's expression turned more and more puzzled, though he proceeded after Liling and Guanshan, and washed his hands thoroughly before pushing the elastic bands of a surgical mask over his ears.

"Alright, this way please", Liling opened the door opposite where they came in and they all walked into a small room that faintly looked like a children's playroom. There was a couch, some stools, blankets and pillows, different toys and a hammock.

"Please take a seat."

While Guanshan and He Tian sat on the couch, Liling opened a little hatch on one of the walls and two small otters immediately hurried into the room.  
They slid over the floor as if they were in water, checking out their toys, before shifting their attention to the two visitors, climbing up their legs and walking all over their laps and arms.  
He Tian let out a small huff and carefully brushed his fingertips over their soft, dense fur.

"Oh my God...", he whispered and stroked one under its chin.

Guanshan leaned sideways when one of them attempted to climb onto his shoulders. He offered the otter his hand and it instantly reached for it with its little paws.  
When both otters started whining and making high pitched noises, Guanshan looked up to ask Liling what they wanted but she had already stepped closer, handing him a metal bowl with small pieces of different fish.

"They're hungry", she said. "Give these to them and don't worry about their teeth. They might scrape your fingers a bit, but they don't bite."

As soon as the two otters saw the bowl, they started clinging to Guanshan's arm and he laughed, handing the bowl to He Tian before taking a piece of fish and offering it to one of them. It was snatched away in an instant and the little otter chewed noisily. He Tian wasted no more time giving the other one some fish as well.  
Guanshan watched him feeding the rest of the bowl to them, alternating between the two who clung to his shoulders, each on their own side, trying to reach the bowl which he had to hold up high.  
There was the same warm expression in He Tian's eyes he usually had when playing with Roxy.

"You like it?", Guanshan asked under his mask and He Tian looked up. He could see the smile behind the mint green fabric of the face mask reaching his eyes.

"I love them", he answered and put the empty bowl down. The otters checked if there was anything left and started whining again when they saw the food was gone.

"Look at their tiny paws and the cute black eyes, like on a teddy bear."

Guanshan snickered and leaned back on the couch. He never thought he'd live to see the day He Tian entitled something as _cute_. This new He Tian was full of surprises.  
Liling gave them two pet combs and they started brushing the otter siblings who clearly enjoyed this treatment a lot.  
Sitting next to each other in that small room, their thighs touching, arms brushing against each other now and again, each of them having a pleased otter in their lap - Guanshan felt truly happy.

They spent about half an hour with the otters before they had to say goodbye so they could have their afternoon nap.  
They let Liling take a picture of them together with their little friends and thanked her for her time and the opportunity to feed them.

Back outside, in front of the cinema room, He Tian raised his arms and indulged in an extensive stretch.

"That was awesome!", he said, sounding absolutely thrilled. "How did you manage to do that? I can hardly imagine they just let anyone who asks feed their pets."

"Oh, that", Guanshan mused as they walked on. "Uhm, they're currently rebuilding the otter compound and I made a rather generous donation, so..."

He Tian stopped to look at him and slightly shook his head. "You're incredible", he said, admiration swinging in his voice. "If this is how you planned to sweep me off my feet, let me tell you it's working."

"Ahh", Guanshan looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. He felt a little embarrassed. "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"That's an understatement."

They were back at the large ocean tank, however this time on its opposite side. There was no tunnel to walk through but a huge dome, shaped like a hemisphere.  
He Tian looked up to the balcony and suddenly reached for Guanshan's wrist, dragging him towards the stairs.

"Come", he said. "Let's take a picture up there. As a memorabilia."

Guanshan stopped dead in his tracks. "What?", he croaked, staring at He Tian with wide eyes.

He Tian looked confused and let go of his wrist. "What?", he asked back. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing", Guanshan let out a shaky breath. "What you just said... I thought... ah, forget it. It doesn't matter."

He Tian looked concerned. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah. Ye, let's do this. Let's take a picture."

He Tian shrugged and fished out his phone, unlocking it and opening the camera app.  
They both stood by the banister and He Tian extended his arm, scooting closer to Guanshan.

"Shouldn't we have the tank as the background?", he asked and was about to turn around.

But He Tian quickly draped an arm over his shoulders. "And let that big-ass manta ray photobomb our picture? No way!"

Guanshan stifled a laugh and leaned his arms onto the handrail. He tilted his head and smiled into the camera.  
A new memorabilia.  
One of many more to come.

_~tbc_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading it. I hope it wasn't too boring for you, now that the drama is over ^^;  
> Get ready for more dating and feeeeelings, haha


	10. You make me feel this way somehow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice in this chapter that I changed some of the boys' names. (Like: Tian -> He Tian)  
> I also went ahead and changed everything in the previous chapters (unless they talk to each other).  
> TLDR; ahead~  
>  _The reason being that over the past two months, I received more and more notes and comments about this and I didn't realize it was actually upsetting people and some even found it offensive or said it put them off reading this fanfic.  
>  Well. First of all: It's obviously not my intention to upset anybody by just writing fanfic. I simply chose to use just their given names to emphasize that the four young men are meanwhile very close friends, almost like family. (I wasn't aware that the names absolutely must have at least 2 syllables or words.)  
> Second of all - when I started writing this, I just wrote it for myself, I didn't even think people were interested in amnesia fic (because most people on tumblr seemed aversed to it) and I certainly didn't expect that there would be so many people reading this and giving me so much heartwarming and encouraging feedback. So by now, it's not just my fanfic anymore. It's yours as well and I'm grateful for everyone who takes time out of their busy day to read this!  
> And lastly - I'm obviously not chinese and therefore I'm not very familiar with their customs and how they live and behave etc, aside from reading the manhua of course. I do research for some of the aspects of this fic (like He Tian's injuries, or the hotel and restaurant where they work, etc.) but aside from all that I just want to tell a story about love between two young men. I never intend to hurt or disrespect anyone by letting these guys act like they do. I mean... it's fanfic, it's my own world, it's a piece of fiction and imagination. It can be accurate or it can be different from what you're used to read about young (gay) chinese men.  
> But if I fuck up big time, please let me know. I won't get offended or anything, and I will consider it of course. I just thought I'd explain here what made me do things the way I did.  
> So yeah - changing their names won't hurt me and if people like it better this way and it makes them happier, I can do that. No problem there._  
> Alright, that's all I wanted to say ^^; Now, happy reading~
> 
> PS: I was able to commission another amazing artist for some fanart in this chapter - so look forward to that by the end of this chapter ♥

He Tian cursed under his breath.  
The water in the little pot was boiling over, hot droplets hitting the surface of the stove with an angry hissing noise.  
He grabbed the pot and wanted to drag it off the flame, but burned his fingers on one of the handles since he didn't get a tea towel first to protect himself from the heated metal.

"Fuck!"

He Tian let go in an instant, water sloshing over the edge of the pot and creating an even bigger mess. Some of it also spilled into the adjacent frying pan with the minced beef.  
The burning sensation on his fingertips was killing him. He reached over to the sink and let the tap run cold water over his hand. Sighing in relief he eyed the disaster on the stove.  
Well. He had created an ugly, dirty mess but maybe he could still save it. The noodles were practically done and just needed draining and the beef got a little watery there, but he could just cook it out and at least it wasn't burnt—

He sniffed. It smelled burnt.  
He Tian furrowed his eyebrows. Then he saw the smoke coming out of the oven.  
Oh shit, the garlic bread! It had completely slipped his mind.

"Shit, shit, shit!"

He turned off the water and stepped to the side to open the oven.  
Unbearable heat hit him in the face, smoke burning his nostrils and eyes. He Tian stumbled back, coughing and waving his hands. Half blind he fumbled around for the knobs, turning off the oven and all the hobs.  
What a shitshow.  
Here he wanted to try and impress Guanshan with some homemade cooking, but in the end he couldn't even heat up some bread without almost setting the kitchen on fire.

He managed to find a towel and started waving it around, hoping the smoke wouldn't set off the fire alarm in the living room. He walked over to the terrace door and opened it to let some fresh air inside.  
Outside it was already dark and cold.  
Guanshan should be back any minute now and nothing was done. He should've probably started sooner to leave time and room for errors.  
However He Tian had had no idea he was such a lousy cook. He had followed the recipe from the website step by step - how hard could it be to follow some proper cooking instructions? Very hard apparently.

He walked back into the kitchen area, followed by Roxy who was curious as to what was going on.  
He Tian needed a plan. The garlic bread was history, but he could still cook out the water in the minced beef and drain the noodles before they got too soggy. Then he could just fry everything and add some veggies from the fridge. That should work.  
He turned the gas back on and carefully placed the pan on the hob. Next, he rummaged through the kitchen cabinets in search for a colander to drain the noodles. He finally found one in the overhead storage above the fridge. It was on the highest shelf and he had to stretch to reach it, despite being the tallest person in this household.

He Tian balanced on his tiptoes, fingertips brushing against one of the handles. It wasn't enough.  
He jumped from where he stood, fingers quickly curling around the silver handle the moment he was high enough to finally reach it. When his feet touched the ground again, a sharp pain shot up his left leg and he tripped to the side, his hip colliding with the long handle of the frying pan.  
The pan slid over the edge of the stove and fell to the floor with a noisy clatter, pieces of crumbly minced beef scattered everywhere on the kitchen floor tiles.

He Tian stumbled backwards and Roxy immediately squeezed past him to start eating up the mess like a furry vacuum cleaner.  
He Tian blinked and stared. Just how much misfortune could strike in one evening? It looked like he had to accept the cold, hard fact that he was useless in the kitchen.  
Groaning he leaned against the counter with his behind before sliding down until he sat on the floor.  
He put down the colander next to him and drew up his knees to rub his aching left shin, feeling the scar tissue through the thin material of his trackpants.

What a fucking mess. What a fucking, gigantic monster-crap of a mess!  
He Tian wanted to surprise Guanshan with dinner and not with a kitchen battlefield.  
Endlessly frustrated he let his forehead sink down onto his knees, hands wrapping around his ankles.

He stayed like this for a few minutes, listening to Roxy noisily lapping up all the meat.  
Finally he heard the sounds he had been dreading for about an hour now: the front door being opened, keys jingling, clothes rustling, shoes scraping over the foot mat in the hallway.  
Guanshan was home.

He Tian held perfectly still as he heard him coming closer and only pressed his forehead harder to his knees, eyes squeezed shut.  
He could hear footsteps, the crinkling of plastic bags, the soft clatter of keys being put down on the counter. Then Guanshan stopped moving.  
He Tian exhaled against his thighs. He could only imagine how pathetic he must've looked in the eyes of the redhead.

For a moment everything was quiet. Roxy was done eating and neither of the men moved.  
But soon enough Guanshan stepped closer and there was a faint click coming from his knees as he crouched down next to He Tian.  
A moment later he could feel something soft poke his cheek and he opened his eyes in surprise, lifted his head and turned to look at what it was.

Guanshan gave him a sympathetic look and pushed a giant plush shark forward, offering it to He Tian.  
Having no other choice than to take it, He Tian slowly reached for the soft toy, his legs stretching out on the floor to make room for the shark in his lap. Guanshan removed the rest of the plastic bag from its tail and bunched it up to toss it on the counter.

"You bought me a giant shark plushie", He Tian said matter-of-factly before he squinted his eyes and sounded more confused. "Why did you buy me a giant shark plushie?"

Guanshan grinned and crossed his arms over his knees. "Well", he said, sounding somewhat smug. "You saw that big sandwich in the study, right? The one that's almost my height? You gave it to me one Valentine's Day. So consider this payback."

He Tian groaned. "Again? You can't keep coming back at me for things which I did years ago and can't even remember anymore. I told you it's not fair!"

Guanshan shrugged and stood up, his gaze wandered to the oven. "Just put it in the bedroom, we can use it as an extra pillow. It's nice and soft."

It was nice and soft indeed. He Tian couldn't help but press the shark to his chest for a moment and giving it a little squeeze.  
He shuffled to his feet and Roxy came closer, sniffed the new toy and wanted to take it away from him.

"No, Roxxers", He Tian said, holding the shark up high. "You can't have that. Plus, you have enough toys already."

She sat down in front of him, giving him puppy eyes and started to make little whiney noises.

"No!", He Tian said firmly. "This is mine."

He hugged the plushie tight, turning half away from her, demonstrating it was out of the question.  
Guanshan snorted out a laugh while he eyed the chaos around them.

"Close the bedroom door after you put it there. Otherwise she'll take it", he warned and picked up the frying pan from the floor. "And what did you try to make anyway?"

"Beef noodle stir-fry..."

Guanshan nodded and sounded half amused. "Well, well, well... Let's clean up and make something quick together."

He Tian sighed and started heading to the hallway, then paused and turned back around.  
Guanshan stood there - tall and gorgeous - and looked at him curiously.

"I'm sorry", He Tian said, voice low and with a hint of embarrassment. "I didn't want you to come home to _this_. I wanted to surprise you with some food but somehow everything went wrong and—"

"It's fine", Guanshan interrupted and smiled while putting the pan in the sink and proceeded to toss the burnt garlic bread away. "I appreciate the thought. That was really sweet of you." 

He Tian looked down, hiding his face. "Right...", he mumbled and rushed into the bedroom to put the shark away.

Sweet? He wasn't sure anymore if he should feel flattered or embarrassed. At least Guanshan didn't seem disappointed in him. But was there anything worse than messing up when you actually wanted to impress somebody? The awkwardness of it all was irritating him like a papercut that wouldn't stop hurting.

He Tian sighed again and looked at the plushie from all angles, asking himself why the redhead would bring him such a gift. Surely the real reason had nothing to do with 'getting back at him'. Perhaps he was putting too much thought into it. Maybe Guanshan had simply remembered the way He Tian had eyed the shark plushies at the zoo shop last weekend when they were about to leave the aquarium. Admittedly he had really wanted to buy one but thought it would've looked too silly.

Shaking his head he placed the shark at the top of the bed, between their pillows. They'd have to think of a name for it later.  
Returning to the kitchen He Tian saw Guanshan rummaging the fridge for cooking ingredients. He wasn't sure if what was left was good enough to make dinner.

"Can you get the mop from the closet, please?", the redhead asked from behind the door and placed some pork fillet, yellow and green peas and pak choi on the counter.

He Tian nodded and fetched the mop and a bucket which he filled with some water from the tap. "Can you work with that?", he asked and jerked his chin towards the ingredients Guanshan had fished out.

The other one gave him a look with one eyebrow raised.

"Of course!", he replied and sounded almost insulted. "Did you forget what I do for a living? It's my speciality to get creative with what's available."

He Tian rolled his eyes, but couldn't help the smile tugging on the corners of his lips. "Yes, chef."

While he was mopping the floor, Guanshan washed some rice before putting it on the hob and gathering some more ingredients and kitchen utensils from the cabinets.  
After He Tian was done and had put the cleaning supplies away, he stood next to Guanshan and watched him chop the pork into a mince-like consistency with two big, heavy knives.

"So what're we having?"

"Some soup, dumplings... fried peas... this and that..."

"And you're sure you want my help?"

Guanshan stopped chopping and placed a wooden bowl in front of He Tian. "You'll be in charge of the dumplings."

He Tian looked surprised. "But I have no idea how to make them."

"No worries, I'll tell you exactly what to do", Guanshan said and pointed towards a packet of flour. "Pour some of that into the bowl. More... more. Okay, that's enough. Now a pinch of salt and all of the water from that jug. Alright, grab a pair of chopsticks and mix it into a dough."

He Tian did exactly as instructed and soon enough the ingredients came together and formed an elastic dough. He kneaded it by hand for two minutes and then covered it with a tea towel.

"Very good", Guanshan said while handling a wok and frying some yellow peas in scorching hot oil. "While that rests you can prepare the filling."

Either Guanshan's instructions were easier to follow than those from a website or it was immensely helpful to have an expert watching over every step of the cooking process. Whatever it was, He Tian was definitely impressed an hour later when the table was filled with bowls and plates loaded with different dishes. There was rice soup with pork and peas, the dumplings he had made, various fried vegetables covered in spicy chili oil and crunchy salty peas.

"Wow", he said and wanted to sit down when Guanshan reached for his hands.

"Let me see", the redhead said and He Tian looked confused before he followed his gaze down to his own hands.

"Oh."

He raised them and looked at his fingers. He had only cut himself twice, though it wasn't bad. Only the burn from the pot earlier still hurt.  
Gently Guanshan's fingers brushed over the cuts and red marks.

"We should put some ointment on it."

"Nah", He Tian waved it off. "It'll be fine. It's just a scratch."

Guanshan grinned. "Watch out, we got quite the badass over here."

They both laughed and finally sat down to enjoy their dinner.  
He Tian kept looking at Guanshan while they were eating and knew that the other one only pretended not to notice it.  
But He Tian couldn't help it. He felt drawn to him like gravity. Like a moon circling a planet. And the feeling grew stronger each day. He found himself wondering if that's how he used to feel towards Guanshan.

Ever since they had that nightly talk a week ago, both of them were in a much better mood. He Tian felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Suddenly it was easy to smile and laugh around Guanshan. The redhead didn't act like he was walking on eggshells around him anymore either - like he had done for many weeks after He Tian had awoken from the coma. For the past week now he was also louder and snarkier, he was swearing a lot and He Tian found he came to love his sarcasm as well.

Overall he liked him much better this way and he wondered if this was the real Guanshan. If this was the person he used to love.  
Because really - it seemed easy to get lost in this kind of personality, He Tian found it addicting and it made him want to spend more and more time with the other one.  
He didn't like when they were separated, when either of them went to work. During the last few days when he had spent a few hours at the office, He Tian had caught himself often enough; just staring out of the window, daydreaming about Guanshan.

"—day been?"

He Tian blinked. He hadn't realized he was blatantly staring at his counterpart, not really listening while Guanshan was talking to him.  
He put the chopsticks down and reached for his drink.

"Sorry, what was that?"

Guanshan grimaced, leaning back in his chair. "Do I have a grain of rice on my face or why do you keep staring at me?"

He Tian smiled easily. "Nah. I just like looking at you."

"Huh?", he cocked an eyebrow. "I guess some things never change... anyway. I was asking how your day has been? Are you getting back into the flow of things at the company?"

Sighing He Tian grabbed his chopsticks again and started pushing some of the leftover crunchy peas around. "They treat me like an intern currently, since I still get confused by all the data even though it's vaguely familiar. Maybe I should start looking for something else... something new."

Guanshan shrugged. "That's a decision you have to make yourself. My only advice would be do what makes you happy. I spent too much time doing shit I didn't wanna do just because I was desperate for money. It makes you miserable in the long term. Money is important, yes, but it's not everything. Took me a while to realize that."

"Wow..." He Tian stared down at the table. "Looks like you got it all figured out, huh?"

Smirking Guanshan pushed his chair back and got up. "Yep. And that's why I'm gonna go shower now while I leave it in your trusty hands to clean up."

"Thanks", He Tian replied dryly and watched him leaving the living room with Roxy following him happily.

He stared at the leftovers and wondered if he should be wrapping them up or tossing them away. It wasn't enough for one person anymore.  
In the end, he put it all on one plate and covered it with clingfilm.  
He carried everything else back into the kitchen, put the dirty plates and bowls into the dishwasher and wiped the table and counters clean with a damp cloth.

When he was done, He Tian looked around and tried to decide if he wanted to watch TV or play some Xbox.  
A few weeks ago, Zhengxi had told him his memory loss had one perk: He could play all of his favorite games again and experience the story just like the first time. Brilliant.  
He made his way towards their study, searching his pockets for his phone. It wasn't there.  
He Tian checked the bedroom, the kitchen, the living room - to no avail. Maybe he had forgotten it in the bathroom earlier?  
Guanshan was still showering and he knocked on the door before opening it a bit, steam escaping the little crack.

"Hey Guanshan", he shouted over the sound of running water. "I think I forgot my phone in here earlier. Can I get it real quick?"

"Sure, I'm done anyway", came the muffled reply.

He Tian opened the door fully and stepped inside, avoiding staring at the shower cubicle and instead focusing on the counter by the sink.  
Bingo!  
He walked over and picked up his phone when the water was suddenly cut off, followed by the sliding of the shower door.

"Can you pass me a towel, please?"

He Tian swallowed and stared into the fogged-up mirror in front of him, he could make out the redheads' blurry shape behind him but no details. He pocketed his phone and reached for one of the thick, white towels from the stack on the counter.  
Blindly he stretched out his arm behind himself, offering Guanshan the towel.  
Wet footsteps on the tiles, a small draft behind him, the terry cloth being taken from his hand.

He Tian waited for a few seconds, assuming Guanshan would tie it around his hips, then he turned around to leave - and froze.  
Guanshan was standing right in front of him now. Naked, casually rubbing the towel over his wet hair, water still dripping down his skin.  
Slowly he let the towel sink, placing his free hand on his hip, a provoking smile on his lips.

"Like what you see?"

He Tian hissed, only realizing now he had been holding his breath. His eyes wandered to the side, hand reaching up to scratch the side of his nose. He wasn't sure what to say.

"Pop me?", he heard himself say instead of answering the question. What?! He closed his eyes and held his right hand up, pinching the bridge of his nose with the other hand. He tried again. "Popcorn. I meant popcorn! You want some? We could watch a movie..."

Guanshan laughed and continued to dry himself off. "Sure. Why the fuck not! Let's have a movie night."

Practically fleeing the bathroom, He Tian shut the door firmly behind himself and took some deep breaths.  
What. Was. That.  
Since when was Guanshan so frisky? Why was he feeling so flustered? And why didn't he just answer the question? A simple 'yes' could've opened up a whole lot of opportunities.

 _You idiot_ , he scolded himself. Another chance wasted.  
Did Guanshan notice? He Tian looked down to his crotch where his comfy pants showed a very prominent bulge.

"Fuck."

That was a first.  
Groaning quietly, he crouched down in the hallway and pushed his hands into his hair, nails scraping over his scalp before his fingers curled around the dark strands, tugging on the roots.  
_Fuck fuck fuck._  
He looked up and gulped. Guanshan had looked so damn confident. As if being naked in front He Tian was the most natural thing.  
_Of course it is_ , he reminded himself. After all they used to have sex and all. For years. Obviously it was normal for the redhead. So why did it get He Tian all hot and bothered?

Letting go of his hair, He Tian rubbed over his face and slowly rose to his feet again.  
Distraction. That was what he needed right now. Didn't he promise Guanshan some popcorn?  
He walked into the kitchen and started rummaging through the drawers and cabinets in search for a packet of microwave popcorn.  
When he finally found one - salty, because he had a feeling that Guanshan preferred that over sweet - he followed the instructions on the back and put the bag into the microwave.

While the plate was rotating, He Tian stared through the tinted little window in the door and his thoughts drifted back to Guanshan in the bathroom.  
Wet. Dripping. Naked. Smiling. Provoking. Teasing. Daring. Sexy.  
He slumped forward, leaning his elbows on the kitchen counter, one hand idly stroking the back of his neck.

Guanshan wasn't shy. But he clearly waited for He Tian to make the first move now after having been so rudely rejected a couple of times. He Tian couldn't even blame him.  
So why couldn't he just do it? His mind went back to every night within the last week where they had gone to bed together. When they had gotten comfortable under the covers, Roxy at their feet, the room warm and dark and then... then nothing.  
Every evening He Tian thought about scooting closer, about reaching out and touching the other one, running his fingers over his scalp, feeling the short strands of soft hair and the warm, smooth skin under his fingertips again. The memory of _that_ one night still vivid and alive, always present.

He groaned in frustration and didn't notice Guanshan coming up behind him. Only when a hand was placed on his hip for a moment before the other one walked by, He Tian snapped out of his thoughts and straigtened up.

"Lost in thoughts, eh?", the redhead teased while opening the fridge and getting a can of pop.

He Tian glared at him but before he could reply the microwave dinged and his head turned towards the noise. He opened it without giving an answer and sucked in some air when he almost burned himself on the piping hot paper bag.  
Guanshan put his drink on the counter and bent forward to retrieve a big bowl from one of the cabinets. He placed it between them and reached for the popcorn to carefully tear the package open and pour the contents into the white plastic bowl.

"You gotta be more careful", he said. "If you continue like this, your hands will be useless by the end of the week."

"Very funny", He Tian replied but it sounded a lot less snarky than he had intended it to be.

He hated this. The feeling of being teased, of feeling slightly inferior. He wanted their roles to be reversed. He wanted to see Guanshan blushing, flustered, a little angry from being edged on. He wanted him to call his name, sounding desperate and needy.  
Instead the redhead gave him the widest smile when he tossed one of the popped kernels into the air and easily caught it with his mouth.

"Want some?"

He Tian shook his head.

"Come on then", Guanshan laughed. "Stop pouting and let's pick a movie."

It was like he knew exactly what was going on in He Tian's head. And he seemed to enjoy this situation way too much.  
He Tian followed him to the couch and watched Guanshan sprawling out on it, almost taking up the entire length when he laid down, head propped against the armrest, the bowl of popcorn on his chest.  
He Tian could only stare and Guanshan gave him a bewildered look.

"What?"

He followed his gaze down the couch.

"Oh."

Guanshan moved his feet and drew up his knees, making room for the other one. "There."

For a moment, He Tian was tempted to just be bold and sit on top of him, straddling his hips, but he settled for the other end of the couch instead.  
Had this four-seater always been this small? He shifted around a bit, trying to figure out where to put his long legs, but, in the end, He Tian stretched his left leg, his foot comfortably resting against Guanshan's hip, while his right heel hit the ground next to the sofa.  
Guanshan's one foot was between He Tian's open legs, the toes idly brushing the inside of his thigh. He had already started eating the popcorn and was now digging for the remote between the backrest and the cushions.  
He turned on the TV and began to flick through their hundreds of channels.

"What are you in the mood for?"

He Tian's eyes slightly widened for a second before his brain caught up and told him that Guanshan was asking for the type of movie he wanted to watch.  
Breathing out quietly he turned his head towards the screen and shrugged.

"Anything... whatever you want."

Guanshan stuffed popcorn into his mouth with one hand while the other was busy changing channels on the remote.  
Finally he put it down.

"There. Some new drama premieres after the news. You good with that?"

"Sure, why not."

They were quiet for a few minutes, Guanshan munching and watching the news, He Tian pretending to watch, but being painfully aware of their feet and legs touching in various places.  
At some point he couldn't bear being quiet any longer.

"Hey, uhm... can I ask you something?"

"I believe you just did", Guanshan replied calmly, not taking his eyes off the screen.

He Tian clicked his tongue and nudged the redhead's hip with his bare foot. "I'm serious."

Guanshan tore his gaze away from the news lady and looked He Tian in the eyes over the edge of the white bowl, both his hands on the sides of it. "Ask away."

Huffing out a small laugh, He Tian closed his eyes for a moment before looking at a random point on the couch and clearing his throat.

"So the first time we... were in bed together..."

"You mean just sleeping or actual sex?"

He Tian took a sharp breath. "Yeah... sex..."

Guanshan nodded. "We were 16... What about it?"

"So young?", He Tian frowned and watched the other one making a show of licking his fingertips clean from the salt after he put the popcorn away. Fuck!

"Well", Guanshan scooted around to get more comfortable. "It wasn't like we planned it. It was rather shitty as well."

"Oh?"

He Tian didn't know what to say to that. Shitty? In what sense?

"Was that what you wanted to know?"

"Hm, I actually wanted to know who was... eh, in charge? But now that you say it, why was it shitty?"

Guanshan folded his hands over his stomach. He looked calm and serene. "You took the lead. But neither of us really knew what we were doing back then, so yeah. Not the best sex we had. Far from it actually. Why you asking though?"

He Tian shrugged, a vague gesture. "Ah, just curious, I guess."

Guanshan's lips stretched into a lascivious smile. "Are you thinking about having sex again, Tian?"

"Shut up!", He Tian's breath quickened and his scalp tingled. Guanshan laughed. Was it really that obvious?

Next to them, the intro song of the new drama series started playing, but neither of them was paying it any attention.  
Slowly Guanshan reached for He Tian's left foot and lifted the whole leg to rest his heel on top of his own thigh.

"Does your leg still hurt?"

"Sometimes", He Tian replied and watched him carefully massaging the foot. "It hurt earlier when I jumped up."

Guanshan's strong fingers wrapped around the sides and his fingertips glided over the skin with firm pressure. The thumbs followed the muscles on the underside and executed pressure in all the right places.  
He Tian couldn't help but close his eyes and he didn't even try to suppress the moan escaping his throat. Shit, that felt good!  
His head rolled to the side, leaning against the backrest of the couch.

"That alright?"

He Tian could only nod and hum with approval. He watched Guanshan through hooded eyes, who tried to follow the show now, a slightly bored expression on his face.  
Eventually he let go of He Tian's foot and searched for the remote again.

"This sucks!", he announced and started switching channels once more, his free arm draped over the armrest behind his head. It caused his shirt to ride up his body slightly, exposing some of the skin above the waistband of his pants.

He Tian sighed heavily and sat up cross-legged, his elbows leaning against the sides of the couch, their naked feet rubbing against one another. He stared at his counterpart, eyes roaming over the redhead's body. They stopped just below the exposed skin.  
_Now or never!_ , he thought and decided to make a move as long as he was feeling bold.  
Slowly, carefully he stretched out his right leg, his foot sliding between Guanshan's slightly open legs.

The ball of his foot as well as the toes came into contact with Guanshan's crotch, putting gentle pressure onto his dick through the thin fabric of his grey pants. He felt warm and soft and He Tian started rubbing his foot up and down in small movements.  
Guanshan didn't flinch or look surprised in the slightest and he took a few seconds before finally turning his head and facing He Tian, staring back into his eyes...

_tbc~_

  
_This amazing fanart was drawn by[blablablayaoi](https://www.instagram.com/p/CG5wS7Zpmkg/) ♥ Thank you so much! Please follow her on [tumblr](https://blablablayaoi.tumblr.com/) and [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/blablablayaoi/) :)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh... getting frisky here, hm? XD  
> THANK YOU to everyone who is still reading this despite me making you wait so long v.v  
> I will finish this fic before Christmas, I promise!  
> As always, thanks a fuckton to Belly for all the help and motivation ♥  
> And thanks to crimsonleaf for the beta ♥


	11. It's just you and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thanks to Belly and crimsonleaf for the help and the beta ♥  
> 

He anticipated the pressure before it was there. Guanshan could sense He Tian's intense stare, his thoughts were too loud, he could clearly hear them as if the other one was screaming right into his ear.  
Slowly he tore his gaze away from the figures on the screen and looked at He Tian instead.  
The foot between his legs was no surprise. It was careful, testing, maybe even teasing.  
They looked into each other's eyes. Moments went by. Two, three heartbeats and then—

The pressure was gone and He Tian moved. He shifted, leaning forward, trying to figure out where to put his long limbs and Guanshan could only stare, secretly amazed by He Tian's newfound bravery. Some of his old self slowly pouring through the cracks of his post-accident modesty.  
For a brief moment he thought about helping him out, meeting him halfway, but he enjoyed this situation way too much.  
Finally, He Tian was on his knees - between his legs - and his hands came to lie on Guanshan's thighs, a light touch without putting any of his weight on him. He leaned further in, one hand moving onto the couch, the other palming his crotch where his foot had been earlier.

He Tian's face came closer and with fascination Guanshan noticed the slight blush on his cheeks. Automatically he lifted his arms, his hands reaching for the other one's shoulders.  
Guanshan closed his eyes when he could feel the hand between his legs squeezing gently. _Fuck!_  
He had missed this: He Tian wanting him, desperate and clearly burning with desire. It had been way too long.

"Guanshan..."

The redhead opened his eyes, He Tian's face was directly in front of him and it took him a second to focus.

"Hmm?"

"I, uhm..." He Tian swallowed and his mouth opened to say something, but he choked on his words when the loud thud of the front door being closed echoed throughout the house.

Both their eyes slightly widened. Guanshan's in surprise, He Tian's in panic.  
He scrambled up, took his hand off Guanshan in a sudden movement as if he had burned himself and fell back against the armrest at the other end of the couch.  
Not so gentle footsteps in the hallway, then Jian Yi waltzing into the living room, petting Roxy on his way to the sofa.

"Hello beautiful people", his mood was chipper. "What are you watching?"

He Tian's lips were a thin line and his gaze was stubbornly fixed on the TV screen.  
Guanshan smirked.

"Hey blondie", he said and reached for the remote he had dropped earlier. "Nothing really. We tried watching this new drama show, but it was boring as fuck."

Jian Yi leaned onto the backrest of the couch and cast He Tian a side glance. "Aww, that's too bad."

"Where did you leave your boyfriend?"

The blond looked surprised and straightened back up. "Xixi is not back yet? Huh. He must be still at his sister's then."

Guanshan nodded and stretched to reach the bowl of popcorn on the table. "Want some?"

"Nah, I'm gonna head for a shower and hit the sack", he suppressed a yawn and stepped back. "I have an early shift tomorrow."

"Oh, alright then."

"Is there any food left for a lunchbox?", Jian Yi asked while heading towards the kitchen.

Guanshan furrowed his brows. "I don't think it's enough, but I'll make you something later, if you wanna."

"No, don't bother with it so late. I'll get something on my way to work then. But thanks anyway."

After Jian Yi had disappeared, He Tian waited a full five minutes until the sound of running water could be heard from down the hallway. Guanshan had been openly watching him the whole time.  
Now He Tian focused his attention back on Guanshan and they both started moving at the same time, drawn to each other like magnets. North and south pole.  
They reached for one another, their hands an uncoordinated mess of trying to grab shoulders, arms and more hands, all at once.

Guanshan leaned back, dragging He Tian with him, on top of him - and they both froze.  
The front door clapped again.  
This time He Tian didn't retreat, but Guanshan could feel his muscles tensing up under his touch.

"Hello?", Zhengxi shouted from the corridor and they could hear him taking off his coat and shoes.

Guanshan grinned. "Here!", he shouted back and didn't let go.

He Tian groaned in frustration and his body went limp as he flopped down on top of the redhead, hiding his face in the crook of his neck.  
Zhengxi shuffled closer and Guanshan gave him a pointed look to which the other one raised an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, just watching something. And he's in the shower", Guanshan added and jerked his chin in the general direction of the bathroom.

"Figured as much."

"How's your sister?"

"She's doing fine, thanks. About to finish her thesis. She acts confident, you know her... though I bet she'll start panicking a week before the deadline."

The redhead snorted. "Yeah, didn't we all?"

He Tian made a disgruntled sound and Zhengxi wore the strangest expression on his face. "What's up with him?"

"Ahh", Guanshan lightly patted He Tian's back. "Sexually frustrated."

He Tian hissed in anger and half-heartedly slapped his arm. Guanshan laughed.

"Hey, don't mind me. I'll... just leave you to it then", Zhengxi said and took off his shirt while walking away to join Jian Yi in the shower.

"He's gone", Guanshan noted after a minute of He Tian not moving.

"Yeah... thanks for telling him... asshole", came the muffled reply against his shoulder.

Sighing, Guanshan took the remote and switched off the TV. "I was just stating the obvious. Besides - you'll survive it. Just try to imagine the countless times you embarrassed me and look where we are now."

He Tian lifted his head and put his chin on the other one's sternum.

"We should get out of here sometime", he suggested. "Somewhere far away... and private..."

Without the TV on, the room was cast in darkness except for one small stripe of light falling in from the corridor. Guanshan shifted a little to make them both more comfortable and tried to look at He Tian before his head sank back against the armrest.

"You mean like renting a cozy, small, romantic chalet in the winter wonderland of the swiss alps?"

The amusement was evident in his voice, though He Tian seemed serious. "Well. Maybe not that far away, but... we could go to the countryside, rent a lodge in the mountains, just... just us for a couple of days."

Guanshan thought about it. He liked the idea. "Mh, I'll be off work next weekend... Alright, I'll have a look online tomorrow if there are some nice places no further than a few hours by bike."

"Bike?"

"Hell, yeah! We're gonna ride my baby and you can't deny me that pleasure. It's been forever since I had a trip longer than half an hour with her."

"...should I be concerned?"

"Ah ah, jealous?"

"You call your motorbike _'baby'_ , I think a little jealousy is in order here."

Guanshan moved his arms to hug He Tian a bit tighter.

When Jian Yi padded into the kitchen twenty minutes later, hair still wet and only wearing a long t-shirt, Guanshan could hear him getting something from the fridge before those naked footsteps approached the couch.  
He Tian had fallen asleep on top of him while listening to his heartbeat. His breathing was slow and even, some wayward strands of his soft dark hair tickled Guanshan's chin.  
Jian Yi opened his mouth to say something but Guanshan shook his head.

"Shut up!", he murmured, the ghost of a smile on his lips.

Jian Yi raised his hands in defense, one holding a bottle of water. "Fine. But let me bring you a blanket", he whispered.

"Okay. ...thanks."

A trip into the mountains, huh? If that didn't bring back memories...

~

A week later Guanshan and He Tian were standing in the garage, next to the redhead's _baby_ and got ready to depart.  
Roxy was circling them while panting happily, probably thinking she'd accompany them on a new adventure.  
Guanshan felt a little guilty for leaving her behind, but he knew their friends would take good care of her during the weekend.  
He fastened the straps of the pannier and turned around.

"Time to say goodbye."

He Tian crouched down and hugged Roxy, kissing the top of her head.

"Be a good girl", he said and didn't fight it when she licked his cheek. "We'll be back in three days."

Guanshan opened the door which connected the garage to the house and whistled for her to follow him.  
She barked and jumped away from He Tian before running after Guanshan.  
He went to the kitchen to give her a rawhide bone and petted her head after she accepted the treat. Nothing better to keep her busy for an hour.

"See you when we get back", he murmured and watched her heading for one of her many baskets.

He went back into the garage and closed the door.  
He Tian was just fastening the straps of his knee protectors and gave his boyfriend a quizzical look.

"Are you sure we gonna need all this?", he asked and pointed at their knee and elbow pads. "It seems a bit... much."

"Well", Guanshan stepped closer and grabbed a helmet to put it on He Tian's head. "I won't force you to wear them. It'd just be sad seeing you with carpet burn on your knees when it's not even from sex."

He closed the clasp under his chin and took a step back, smirking at the dark helmet.  
He Tian pushed up the visor.

"Why would I get abrasions when riding a motorbike?"

Guanshan shrugged and handed him a pair of dark, padded gloves. "Mountain roads are very curvy, sometimes you lean in at such an extreme angle that your knees will scrape the concrete."

He Tian stared at him. "Is it too late to take the car instead?"

Laughing, Guanshan put on his own helmet. "Don't be a party pooper. It'll be fun, you'll see."

He checked the route one last time on his phone and then stashed it away before grabbing another pair of gloves for himself.

"Alright then, let's hit the road, babe. And hold on tight."

Half an hour later they managed to leave the busy city core behind them and headed for the much quieter outskirts which eventually led them into the countryside.  
After several kilometers the fields and meadows slowly changed to a thick forest.

Another hour went by and it started raining, the grey afternoon sky heavy with dark rainclouds, thunder and lightning in the distance.  
Guanshan cursed under his breath. He slowed down as the road started to become more slippery.  
Thankfully there was little to no traffic the higher they went up into the misty, rain-shrouded mountains.  
The light cone from the motorbike created a shiny glint on the wet asphalt in front of them.

He could feel his pants and sleeves becoming heavier with rainwater as the material started to absorb more and more until the wetness eventually reached his skin.  
His back however, felt warm and dry since He Tian was pressed against him, holding on tight like he had told him to.  
Guanshan tried to concentrate on that feeling instead of how his cold and wet pants stuck to his legs.  
The cabin they rented had shown a bathtub in one of the pictures. He couldn't wait to get in and warm up.

When a truck came down the the street in the other direction, Guanshan slowed down even more until he came to a stop on some gravel on the side of the road.  
He Tian got off the bike first and he followed suit, putting down the kickstand before fishing out his phone to make sure they were still on the right track.  
He took one of his gloves off and started swiping on the touchscreen.

"Everything alright?", He Tian's voice sounded muffled from under the helmet and the pouring rain around them drowned out a lot of noise anyway.

Guanshan stepped closer and pushed up his visor. "Yeah, don't worry. Just checking the route."

He Tian nodded visibly and made some half squads, followed by a few small jumps and finally he shook out his legs. "How can you sit like this for hours? My thighs will be fucking sore by the end of this day."

Guanshan gave him a lopsided smile. "I'm sure they will be. Considering all the stuff that still lies ahead of us."

He Tian made a scoffing sound and Guanshan put his phone away. There was no use beating around the bush anymore. They both knew why they were here. Why they decided to make this trip in the first place.  
He just wasn't sure if it made them desperate or smart to rent a fucking cabin high up in the fucking mountains just for the sole purpose of having some uninterrupted quality time.

A minute later they were back on the road.  
They had been on the right track. Just another twenty minutes or so of following this road and they should see a sign pointing them to a side path through the woods leading up to the small lodge.  
Guanshan accelerated, they were so close, he couldn't wait to get out of the rain.  
The road weaved up the mountain and Guanshan held the handlebar with a steady grip, taking sharp turns at every corner, He Tian pressed flush against his back.

Almost there.

When he finally spotted the sign after another turn, he slowed down a little, looking for that pathway. It was a few meters behind the wooden sign and Guanshan almost drove past it.  
He jerked his bike to the right and hit the brakes, trying to turn into the forest alleyway before it was too late.  
The motorbike wobbled, the ground suddenly no longer hard asphalt but muddy forest floor.

"Fuck!"

Instantly Guanshan felt the adrenaline pumping through his veins, the sudden rush threatening to make him feel lightheaded. He tried to keep the ride steady but felt the exact moment when he lost control over it.  
They slipped on wet earth, the front tire rushed to the left, the rest of the bike couldn't follow quick enough.  
They both fell to the right, hitting the ground hard. Guanshan winced upon the impact on his shoulder and leg.  
The bike was slipping into the trees and him and He Tian were being dragged across the ground.  
_Let go!! Before it's too late!_

Guanshan let go of the handlebar and the bike scooted out from underneath them, crashing into a tree only seconds later.  
The pressure of He Tian's body on his back was gone. He tumbled through mud and weeds and grass, his body rolling around for several meters until he finally came to a halt lying on his back.

He groaned.  
Fuck, that hurt!  
Fuck!!

Carefully Guanshan moved his fingers, then his toes. He could feel it all. Nothing seemed broken. Slowly he rolled onto his side and brought himself into a sitting position before taking his helmet off. Rain hit his face immediately.  
He looked around.  
Where was He Tian?  
Hastily he scrambled to his knees, attempted to stand up and slipped on the muddy ground, falling back down.

"Tian??", he shouted and managed to get up, his eyes searching the area.

There!  
He saw him lying on the other side of the path, face down in the grass.  
He wasn't moving.  
Guanshan's heart skipped a beat and left his chest aching with fear. An ice cold, unpleasant sensation threatened to burn his heart with frostbite.  
He closed the distance between them as fast as he could, dropping down to his knees next to the other one's body.

"...Tian? Please... please be alright..."

He ripped off his gloves and started examining He Tian's body with shaky hands.  
Slowly, carefully he rolled him onto his back, fumbling for the clasp and taking off the helmet with one hand while the other supported his neck at the back.  
He Tian's face was relaxed, it almost looked as if he was sleeping.  
Guanshan bent down and pressed his ear to the other one's nose, his gaze firmly on the chest.  
Yes, he was breathing! He could feel the warm air and saw his ribcage rising and falling ever so slightly.

"Come on, wake up."

His thumb wiped some rainwater from He Tian's dark lashes and finally the other one reacted. His face scrunched up for a long second, then he opened his eyes and coughed.

"Oh, thank fuck!"

Relief washed over Guanshan's body and he leaned his forehead on He Tian's chest, taking a few long breaths. Thank fucking goodness he was alive!  
But it only took him another moment to realize that the situation could actually be much worse.  
He jerked up again, staring into his boyfriend's face, afraid to ask the inevitable.

He swallowed thickly. "Do you... know who I am?"

He Tian stared back at him, brows furrowed. "Sun Rui? Am I in heaven?"

Guanshan hissed out the breath he was holding. "Asshole", he muttered but went back into serious mode immediately.

"Do you feel any pain? Can you move your toes?"

He Tian laid there for a moment before he attempted to sit up. "I feel like I've been hurled through the woods... but otherwise I'm fine. I think." 

"Be careful!", Guanshan snapped and almost pushed him back down though He Tian seemed fine and probably wanted to get out of the rain as much as he did.

"Don't worry about me, I survived getting hit by a truck... this was nothing."

"Don't remind me", the redhead muttered and craned his neck to look at his bike. "Wait here, I'm gonna get our things."

He stood up, trying to ignore the wet, sticky feeling of his dirty clothes, and walked over to where the motorbike was laying on its side against a thick tree trunk. He could faintly hear the low crackling and ticking from the hot machine parts slowly cooling down.  
Guanshan bent down and turned the key to check if the engine was still working. The lights flashed and the bike gave a hum, so he turned it off again before yanking on the handlebar. It didn't move one bit.  
Frustrated, he squatted and pushed his fingertips through the short strands of his hair, clawing at his scalp.

"Is it broken?", He Tian came up behind him, a hand on his shoulder.

Guanshan shook his head. "The engine's working but I have to take a closer look. Preferably with daylight and without rain. Fucking hell... Help me get her up."

Together they tried to push the heavy machine into an upstanding position. It took them several attempts but finally they succeeded and were back on the path, pushing the bike towards their goal.  
They didn't have to walk for long, the trail was short, leading to a small clearing in the forest, a little open shed in the middle of it, which was used to stash firewood. There was enough room to park the bike.  
Next to the shed was a stony staircase: its wide steps were perfectly embedded into the small, grassy hill. And there, on top of it - finally - the wooden lodge.

Guanshan gave his bike a quick once-over. He could see mud, scratches and dents, one broken mirror. The rest looked fine but he'd give it a proper inspection tomorrow.  
The pannier, containing the few clothes and other stuff they brought along, seemed intact as well.  
Guanshan shouldered the two bags and He Tian carried both their helmets. Together they walked up the stairs.

"What a brilliant start into a mini holiday", He Tian remarked and wiped some water from the tip of his nose with the back of his right hand. "I sure hope they have a washing machine in this hut."

Guanshan cast him a side glance. "I didn't see one in any of the pictures... Plus you were the one who suggested this in the first place, if I may remind you."

"Somehow I pictured this differently in my mind."

"That little off-road adventure was not... ideal", Guanshan admitted while ripping a note from the door. "...but we gotta make the most out of it now."

Frowning he unfolded the small paper and quickly read the handwritten text.

"Everything alright?", He Tian asked and sounded mildly concerned.

Guanshan scrunched up the paper and stuffed it into his pocket before punching the code he had received last night into the keypad. "Yeah, don't worry. Just a note from the owner with some further instructions. We get electricity from the generator behind the shed and there's an oven behind the kitchen for warm water. He wrote he turned it on this morning."

The door gave a satisfying click and he pushed it open. He couldn't see much with the lights off and the day slowly fading into the night, but it was warmer inside than out here. And dry.  
They left their boots on the front porch and finally stepped inside.  
Guanshan's hand searched alongside the wall until he found a light switch.

There was one giant room, like a loft type, with a small open kitchen on the right side, a living room area with a big couch arrangement and a fireplace, behind it a high table with a group of chairs, and a king-sized bed to the left with a huge flatscreen on the opposite wall. In the corner of the bedroom area was an open door, which led to the small bathroom for a bit of privacy.  
The walls, the ceiling, the floor, most of the furniture - it was all made out of wood and the smell was incredible. Guanshan loved it immediately.

"Wow... looks better than online even, right?"

He Tian looked around and put the helmets on the narrow kitchen counter. "It's nice. But it'll be even nicer once we're out of these clothes and have a fire going."

Guanshan closed the door behind them. "Let's run a bath first then. I hope our spare clothes didn't get wet."

He Tian headed for the bathroom while Guanshan put the pannier on the dining table and opened both bags. He took out He Tian's vanity bag, some food and all of their clothes, which - thankfully - had stayed dry during the journey. He paused and looked at the contents on the table, then peeked into the empty bags again. He frowned.  
Where was his own bag of toiletries?  
Did it fall out during the accident?  
The thought of going back out into the rain and searching for it didn't sit well with him, yet it was necessary, considering what else was in that small bag.

But the pannier had been closed and it didn't look like something could've slipped out.  
With a heavy heart, Guanshan reached for his phone.

"The bathroom light is not working", He Tian said as he stepped out, his wet jacket draped over his arm.

Guanshan looked up. "Oh. Hmm, maybe have a look in the kitchen? Perhaps there are spare light bulbs or some candles."

He Tian hung his wet jacket on a hook next to the front door and started rummaging through all the drawers and cabinets in the kitchen.  
Guanshan turned to face away from him and quickly texted Zhengxi.  
The reply came after not even a minute.

_> > Yes, it's still here. I saw it next to the sink earlier and wondered if you've forgotten it. Have fun sharing a toothbrush. <<_

Guanshan closed his eyes and leaned forward onto the table.  
Fucking great! At least he didn't have to go back out into the rain. Small miracles.  
But this wasn't about the damn toothbrush. His vanity bag also contained—

"No light bulbs", He Tian came up behind him. "But I found some candles and matches."

Guanshan shoved his phone away and peeled out of his jacket. "How romantic. I hope you didn't forget the rose petals."

He hung his jacket next to He Tian's to dry overnight and followed him into the bathroom where the other one had already started to run a bath. The tub slowly filled with lukewarm water and He Tian placed the candles onto the window ledge, the counter behind the tub and on the small shelf above the sink.  
As he lit up the candles, Guanshan looked out the window and marveled at the view. Since the lodge was situated on a little hill, they could look down into the valley without any trees blocking their view.

Meanwhile it had gotten pretty dark outside and the rain had subsided into a light drizzle. The clouds broke open to reveal a full moon, basking the landscape in a soft, whitish glow. Paired with the candlelight atmosphere inside the bathroom, the mood almost proved to be too much for the redhead. There was only so much romance he was able to take.  
He reached for the hem of his grey tank top and pulled it over his head before dropping it to the floor. He winced at the pain shooting up his right upper arm and shoulder. Guanshan rubbed the aching muscles and moved on to unbuttoning his jeans.  
He Tian stopped undressing after opening the buttons on his dark shirt and considered him for a moment.

"You know", he said and stepped into the bathtub fully clothed, "since there is no washing machine here, we should probably kill two birds with one stone..."

Guanshan stopped in his movements and gave He Tian a skeptical look. "You can't be serious."

"Watch me!"

With that He Tian sat down and turned the tap off. Next, he reached for Guanshan's jeans and hooked his finger into one of the belt loops, tugging him closer. "Join me. It's nice and warm."

"No way! Not like this."

"Oh come on, don't be like that..."

"Hey, watch it... fuck!!"

He tried to keep his balance but ultimately failed and fell into the tub, on top of He Tian.  
The shock was short lived, the worry lingered.

"Fucking hell, Tian! Your leg could've been broken again! Do you ever think before you act?!"

Guanshan struggled a bit and twisted and turned until he sat more or less comfortably in He Tian's lap.  
The other one didn't say a word but just smiled at him the entire time. Guanshan's frown relaxed and his expression went softer.  
He reached for his boyfriend's face and gently cupped his cheeks. It almost looked like... could it be that—

"Tian, are you....? Can you remember?"

He Tian's hands landed on Guanshan's hips. He shook his head.

"No, I can't", he spoke softly. "I wish I could, but I still can't remember a thing before the accident... does it actually matter though? Isn't it more important to be sure of what I feel right now?"

Guanshan bit his tongue. Hard.  
He tried to swallow the knot which was threatening to close up his throat.

"Of course", he whispered and leaned their foreheads together.

This was important. The here and now.  
He Tian was alive and somehow he had fallen in love with him all over again.  
Guanshan had no idea how he had managed to do that. Twice.  
It seemed like a fucking fairy tale after all.

An hour and a second bath without clothes and muddy water later they sat in front of the crackling fireplace, wearing fresh, dry clothes, the sofa at their backs, half eaten bowls of noodle soup next to them on the floor.  
He Tian's head leaned against Guanshan's shoulder, their hands lay on his thigh, fingers loosely interlaced.  
What a crazy day.  
But here they were. Finally alone and undisturbed. He almost couldn't believe it.  
He tilted his head a little and leaned his cheek against He Tian's silky hair. It was nearly dry.

"You can pet my head if you wanna", He Tian said and something in his voice implied that he really, _really_ wanted Guanshan to touch his hair and scalp.

The redhead could barely suppress a laugh and lifted his free hand to run his fingertips through the dark strands. He Tian sighed and Guanshan continued, combing through the hair while his short nails lightly grazed the scalp.  
After some time, he leaned over and placed a small kiss on top of the other one's head.  
He Tian's reaction followed slow but it was certain. He lifted his head and turned his face to look at Guanshan. His eyes wandered over his features and stopped at the mouth.  
Unconsciously, Guanshan licked his lips.  
Suddenly he became painfully aware of the fact that they hadn't kissed yet, with the exception of that drug-induced night, where they—

He Tian was kissing him.  
He was kissing him and all of Guanshan's thoughts died at once. Warm, pliable lips, a soft pressure, familiar and comforting.  
He closed his eyes and angled his head slightly, kissing him back.  
His hand glided down to He Tian's ear, his fingers gently tracing the outline of the shell.

"Nhh..."

Encouraged by the sound, Guanshan shifted a little, turning his body towards He Tian, before opening his mouth and letting his tongue slip out. The other one reacted immediately, meeting Guanshan's tongue with his own, hungrily sliding against one another, wet and messy.  
A moment later he drew back for a second, then leaned in once more and closed his lips around He Tian's tongue before starting to suck on it.  
A hand clasped around his upper arm, fingers painfully clawing at his muscles.  
Guanshan let go of the tongue and caught He Tian's bottom lip between his teeth instead, gently pulling on it.

He Tian moaned.  
Desire flared in Guanshan, his heartbeat quickening, stomach turning and twisting into a nervous knot. And he wasn't the only one.  
When He Tian broke the kiss he was panting slightly, his cheeks flushed red. Guanshan wasn't sure if it was from the kiss or the in the meantime nearly unbearable grown heat of the fire in front of them. All he knew, was that his own cheeks felt pretty warm too.

"Let's do this."

Guanshan blinked. What? 

"What?"

His voice sounded hoarse. _This?_ Did He Tian really mean...?

"I want to sleep with you."

It shouldn't have been a surprise. It shouldn't have. Afterall this was why they came here.  
Still it caught Guanshan by surprise.  
He swallowed.

"You mean... now?"

"No, how about next Thursday at three? Of course now, silly."

Guanshan laughed nervously and wiped a hand over his face.

"Well, there's something I need to tell you first..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...thank you for reading it.  
> [I'm afraid this fic is cancelled.](https://19elaine.tumblr.com/tagged/NLTG) At least for now. Maybe one day I will be able to rewrite chapter 12 and 13 and be satisfied with it.


End file.
